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            OR SMALL DOGS!
                          -transcribed by Ioseph of Locksley
                           All lyrics Public Domain / NO copyright!
  • * THE BALL OF BALLYKNURE (AKA: THE GATHERING OF THE CLANS) -supposedly Robert Burns; dates from the 1880's (1) Oh the Ball, the Ball of Ballyknure Where your wife, and my wife, were doin' it on the floor! (chorus) Wha' do ya, lassie? and wha' do y'noo? I'm the man what did y'last, lass, I canna do y'noo! The Queen was in the parlour, eatin bread and honey The King was in the chambermaid, and she was in the money! The village idiot he was there, a-sittin' by the fire Attempting masturbation with an india-rubber tyre! Oh the village postman he was there, but he had the Pox He couldna' do the ladies so he did the letter-box! The Queen of England she was there, backed against the wall "Put yer money on the table, boys, I'm going ta do you all!" The Count and Countess, they were there, a-doin' on the stair The bannister broke, and down they fell, they finished in mid-air! There was music in the garden, there was music in the sticks You couldna' hear the music for the swishin' o' the pricks! They were doin' it on the landing, they were doin' it on the stairs You couldna' see the carpet for the wealth of pubic hairs! The Kingdom Herald, he was there, whattya think o'that? Blazoning positions wi' a Duchess and a cat! (10) The fubba-wubbas they were there, sittin' all alone Complainin of the doin's with loud and piercing moans! Mr. Jameison he was there, the one that fought the Boers He jumped up on the table and he shouted for the hoors! The Board of Directors they were there, and they were shocked to see Four-and-twenty maidenheads a-hangin' from a tree! John the Blacksmith he was there, he wouldna play the game He did a lassie seven times, but wouldna see her hame! The village Constable he was there, now whattya think o'that? Amusin' himself by abusin' himself, and catchin' it in his hat… * more * Ball of Ballyknure (cont.) It started out so simple-like: each lad and lassie mated But pretty soon the doin's got so bloody complicated! Four and twenty virgins came down from Cuinimore Only two got back again, and they were double-bore! Clan MacChluarain, they were there, sleepin in the shade For no one could decide if they were Man, or Sheep, or Maid! The village pervert he was there, scratchin' at his crotch But no one minded him at all, he was only there to watch! The Kingdom Seneshal was there, linin' 'em up in rows He didna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his toes! (20) The village cripple he was there, but he didna shag too much His old John Thomas had fallen off, so he did 'em with his crutch! The old schoolteacher he was there, he diddled by rule-of-thumb workin' logarithmicly the times that he would come! The village chimney-sweep was there, a really filthy brute For every time he farted, he covered 'em all with soot! The local Cavaliers were there, in elegance they sat A-doin' Things Unusual with the feathers in their hat! The Rapier-fighters they were there, doin' what they could A-thrustin' and a-parryin' with Real Steel, not with wood! The local Hordesmen they were there, busier than bees the ladies wouldna have 'em, so they diddled dogs and trees! The village carpenter he was there, with his prick of wood He made it when he lost his own, and it worked just as good! The shenai-fighters they were there, all wrapped up in smiles A-doin' everyone they could in Oriental style! The College of Heralds they were there, in the other room Arguin' about who would do what, with which, to whom! The rattan-jocks were out in force and they were such a sight They didna do the ladies 'cause they'd heard there was a fight! (30) The old fishmonger he was there, a dirty stinkin sod He never got a rise that night, so he diddled 'em with a cod! The Kingdom Laurels they were there, and quite a sight to see A-doin' everyone they could, and most artisticly! The Kingdom Pelicans were there, doin' it with a sob They diddled out of duty; it was just another job! Four and twenty virgins went down to Inverness And when the Ball was over, there were four and twenty less! * more * Ball of Ballyknure (cont.) There was doin's on the porches, and doin's on the stones You couldna' hear the music for the loud and joyful moans! (insert name) he was there, covered up with smiles Doin' thirty-two at once, and in amazing style! All the Kingdom spodes were there, but they just sat and sulked For this was the occasion that no one told them "Get fulked!" Clan MacChluarain they were there, chasin' round the Keep And every single man of them buggerin' a sheep! (insert name) had a gerbil, he diddled it very well He didn't wrap it in duct tape: he blew it all to hell! (insert name) he was there, with his favourite toys: A dozen beautiful women, and a dozen beautiful boys! (40) (insert name) he was there; he wasn't very nice He didna do the ladies, he did gerbils, rats and mice! (insert name) she was there, covered all in sweat, Takin' on all comers, and she hasn't finished yet! (insert name) she was there, covered all in sweat, The Dark Horde carried her away, and we ain't found her yet! The Locksley Monsters they were there, lookin' for some nookie But they got distracted by a chocolate chippie cookie! (insert name) he was there, a crafty friend of Ghengis, He speaks a lot of languages; he is a cunning linguist! The village Masochist, he was there, beggin' for some blows The Sadist merely looked at him, and softly answered "No!" Yang the Nauseating was sittin' out in back The ladies did na' want him for he smelled too much of yak! The village druggist he was there, grinnin' like a fox He'd sold out of condoms, so he sold 'em dirty socks! Buell the Kind was also there, that beggar meek and mild, He didna' do the ladies, he had brought his favourite child! (insert name) he was there at the revel feast He doesn't like the girls, and the boys call him "The Beast!" (50) And in the morning, early, the Farmer nearly shat For four and twenty acres was nearly fuckit flat! It was a grand old party, lads, and sure a Locksley Plot And every lad and lassie there was glad of what they got! And when the Ball was over, everyone confessed The music it was wonderful, but the "doin's" were the best! *
  • Follows are extra verses, and XXX-rated verses, to "The Ball of Ballyknure": (Alternate CHORUS): Singin' balls to your partner Arse agin' th' wall! If y'canna' get laid on Saturday nicht You canna' get laid at all! The Minister's wife, she was there, buckled tae th' front Wi' a wreath of roses round her arse, and thistles round her cunt! The Minister's dochter, she was there, an' she gat roarin' fu' Sae they doubled her ower the midden wa' and did her like a coo! The undertaker he was there, in a long black shroud Swinging from the chandelier, and pissing on the crowd! (insert name) was there, as well, she kept us all in fits Jumping off the mantlepiece, and bouncing on her tits! The village cooper he was there; he had a mighty tool! He pulled his foreskin over his head, and yodeled thru the hole! The local vicar, he was there, his collar back to front He said, "My girls, thy sins are blessed!" and shoved it up their cunts! The local surgeon, he was there, with his knife in hand, And every time he turned around, he circumsized a man! (60) The village idiot he was there, up to his favorite trick: Bouncin' on his testicles and whistlin' thru his prick! The village fireman was there, quenchin' lassie's fires He diddled 'em in the firetruck, right beside the tires! (insert name) was also there, standing back-to-front, With thirteen inches of candlestick inserted in her cunt! The village nympho, she was there, wi' a happy grin Every hole was stuffit fu', and she was fu' o' quim! The village glazier he was there, with his prick of glass He diddled 'em in their cunnys, and also in the ass! One female musician was some sight to watch With "Dowland" from her lute, and "Palestrina" from her crotch! There was doin's in the bedrooms, there was doin's in the tub 'Till every single pecker there was worn down to a nub! The bride was in the bedroom, explainin' to the groom: The vagina, not the rectum, is the entrance to the womb! The King was in the counting house, counting out his wealth; The Queen was in the parlor, playin' with herself! * more * Extra and XXX-rated verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.) (insert name) he was there, his balls was made of brass And when he blew a fart, m'lads, sparks flew out his ass! (70) The tailor was a busy man; his work went to his head Sewing up the stretched-out cunts with miles and miles of thread! The Elder Statesmen all were there; they were too old to firk, So they sat around the table and they had a circle-jerk! (insert name) was excited and racin' round the hall A-pullin' on his pecker and showin' off his balls! The Parson's wife, she was there; she was the worst of all: She pulled her skirts above her head and shouted: "Fuck it all!" (insert name) he was there; he played a wily game: He did his lassie fourteen times before he finally came! (name) and (name) they were there, and they were quite a pair, Each did a lassie seven times, and never touched the hair! (insert name) he was there, up to his old trick: Dancin' naked 'round the room, pirouettin' on his prick! (insert name) he was there, but he wouldna' dance, Just sat there with his ten-inch rise, a-waitin' for his chance! (insert name) he was there; he was the perfect fool: He sat beneath the old oak tree, and whittled off his tool! (insert name) he was there, up from Dungaree With a yard-and-a-half of Glory, that hung below his knee! (80) The Queen, she had a chicken, the King he had a duck, So they put them on the table to see if they would fight! The cows were wearin' bridles, the horses wearin' bits The Queen she wore two harness-rings thru the nipples of her tits! (insert name) he was there, grinnin' at the Queen He'd built himself a dildo, and powered it by steam! (insert name) he was there, that rowdy rantin' bloke Masturbatin' all by himself with a backhand double stroke! The Royal Fool was also there, sittin' in the hall, Tryin' to do a mongoose with an india-rubber ball! (insert name) he was there, that egocentric elf, The ladies were na' guid enough, so he went and fucked himself! (insert name) she was there, and she was very strange: You stick a dollar in her cunt, she'd spit back 10 cents change! (insert name) he was there, but he was fast asleep The ladies wouldna have him, and we'd run clean out of sheep! * more * Extra and XXX-rated verses to "Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.): (Alternate CHORUS): Singin' who hae ye, lassie? Who hae ye noo? The ane that had ye last time He canna hae ye noo! (insert name) he was there, big and strong and mean, Out behind the bushes, boys, picking his next Queen! They tried it on the garden path, and once around the park, And when the candles snotted out, they diddled in the dark! (90) First they did it simple, then they tried it he's and she's, But before the ball was over, they went at it fives and threes! The groom was in the corner, oiling up his tool, The bride was in the icebox, her private parts to cool! (insert name) (s)he was there, backed against the wall, (s)he didn't want the doin's, just a lot of alcohol! First lady over, second lady front, Third lady's finger up the fourth lady's cunt! Fifth lady worn and dry, sixth lady passed, Seventh lady's finger up the eighth lady's ass! Ninth lady forward, tenth lady back, Eleventh lady's finger in the twelfth lady's crack! (insert name) he was there, givin' happy sighs! His rise had used up so much skin he couldna close his eyes! A strapping Scotsman he was there, known to all as "Ronald" His rise it weighed a quarter-pound…he must be a MacDonald! Bunny Foo-foo he was there, hoppin' thru the wood, Doin' the Good Fairy like a horny rabbit should! Big Goon Foo-Foo, he was there, stomping thru the weeds Buggering the Good Fairy ( his attitudes have NEEDS! ) (100) Monty Python, they were there, with their ferocious MOOSE, "The bloody parrot's bloomin' DEAD; 'e canna reproduce!" (insert name), that randy wench, she was also there, And thirty men were suckit dry before she stopped for air! (name) and (name) they were there, havin' themselves a ball, She hiccuped as he took her, and she swallowed him, shoes and all! The Kingdom Marshal, he was there, full of botheration, For nobody signed a waiver for the evening's fornication! (insert name) she was there, and she was lookin' pert, With six or seven Cavaliers underneath her skirt! * more * Extra and XXX-rated verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.) (insert name) was also there, with his feather-bed, And on the bedposts he had marked his score of maidenheads! Santa Claus was also there, and very drunk, I fear, You'd be drunk there with him if you came just once a year! (insert name) he was there, and he was smooth and slick, Tallyin' up his score that night by notches on his prick! The village dwarf was also there, that randy little runt, He'd dive upon a lassie, headfirst in her cunt! (insert name) she was there, the fattest of the lot, So they rolled her up in flour, and looked for the wettest spot! (110) (insert name) (s)he was there, hid behind a mask, God knows what (s)he was doin', lads, we didna stop to ask! (insert name) was also there, (s)he was a sight to see, They bent him (her) o'er the table, and the rest was Greek to me! James the First and Sixth was there, a sight you should have seen, He was the King of England but preferred to be the Queen! (insert name) he was there, but he was runnin' late, Askin' round from man to man just how to copulate! (insert name) was also there, but he was fast asleep, Cuddled up, with a happy grin, beside his rubber sheep! The (insert name) all were there, that's what I presume, They buggered themselves into a chain, and danced around the room! (insert name) she was there, and she was wondrous wise, With "USDA Grade A Choice", tattooed on her thighs! (insert name) he was there, sittin' on a stump, Masturbation was his choice; he didn't know how to hump! (insert name) was also there, doin' his famous stunt: Braidin' all the pubic hair on every single cunt! Anne Bolyn was also there, even tho she's dead, She's terrific on her back, me boys, but better giving head! (120) Cyrano de Bergerac, dressed in fancy clothes, He wouldna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his nose! Pinocchio was also there, and quite a sight to see, The ladies sat upon his face and shouted "Lie to me!" Cyrano de Bergerac diddled, with a poem, And ended his refrain with the words: "Thrust home!" (Insert name) was also there, and he was lookin' cute, He didna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his lute! * more * Extra and XXX-rated verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.) note: this may not be ALL the verses, but it's doggone close! *

  • WALTZ ME AROUND AGAIN, HROTHGAR! -Ioseph of Locksley and countless others! -tune: "Celito Lindo" A limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical But the good ones we've seen So seldom are clean And the clean ones so seldom are comical! (T) (Chorus): Ai, ai, ai, ai! I am drunker than you are So sing me another verse That's worse than the other verse And waltz me around again, Hrothgar! (I) A blue ribbon was quite a surprise To a Scotsman in his native guise "I don't know where you've been, Whether good, or in sin…. But I'm glad that you won the first prize!" (I) While Titian was mixing rose madder He espied a nude girl on a ladder Her position, to Titian Suggested coition So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er! (T) A wanton young lady from Wembly Reproached for not acting quite primly Answered "Heavens above!" "I know sex is not love!" "But it's such an attractive facsimile!" (T) There once was a knight from the West Who thought he was the very best But the ladies just chaffed And pointed and laughed And never put him to the test! (U) A Celt, with a grin, softly said As he killed all his enemies dead "These trophies so gory Are my marks of glory, It's my enemies giving me head!" (I) There was a young lass from Bryn Mawr Who committed a dreadful faux pas She loosened a stay In her decollette Exposing her je ne sais quoi! (T) There once was an old man of Lyme Who married three wives at a time When asked: "Why a third?" He replied: "One's absurd!" "And bigamy, sir, is a crime!" (T) * more * Waltz Me Around Again, Hrothgar (cont.) The Revel lasts all of the night Lords and ladies in finery bedight The music doth swell The dancers look well Once they learn their left foot from their right! (E) There once was a knight from the Middle Who wanted to learn how to diddle In the East, at his ease, He caught a disease: And now he can't even piddle! (I) A randy young man from Caid Was discovered spreading his seed In horses and dogs, In owls and in frogs, And in two or three slow-moving Swedes! (I) At least if you're in the Dark Horde You will never sit 'round being bored Our ladies, and wives. Tend to carry sharp knives…. First get their permission, my lord! (U) A lusty old Duke, at Estrella Was behaving in ways I won't say-a In his BVDs Duct-taped to a tree He woke up the very next day-a! (I) Address all unknowns as gentle Treat ladies as tho' sacramental Unless their bare arms, Loose behavior, and charms Proclaim that their favours are rentals! (E) Don't ever drink Caidan Blue It'll getcha as nothing else do! A pirate one day Drank two, so they say, Just look at that boy gork and spew! (I) There once was a young knight from Kent Whose thing was so long that it bent! To save himself trouble He'd put it in double, And instead of coming, he went! (T) The trouble with list'ning to Yang Was that every damned song the man sang Was either illicit, immoral, explicit, Or in lower Mongolian slang! (E) * more * Waltz Me Around Again, Hrothgar (cont.) There was a young lady named Banker Who slept with the Corsairs, at anchor! She awoke in dismay When she heard someone say: "Now, up with the top's'l and spanker!" (U) A serious thought for today Is one that may cause dismay: Just what are the forces That bring little horses If all the big horses say "Neigh?" (U) There was a young man from Racine Who invented a "Doing Machine" Concave and convex It could "do" either sex, But oh, what a bastard to clean! (T) There was a young couple named Kelly Who walked around belly-to-belly Because, in their haste, They used library paste Instead of petroleum jelly! (T) At the Revel last night down in Crewe I found a large mouse in the stew Said the waiter "Don't shout, And wave it about, Or the King will be wanting one, too!" (T) There was a young lady named Greene Who grew so abnormally lean And flat and compressed That her back touched her chest And sideways, she couldn't be seen! (T) A certain young man from An Tir Sat down, and cried in his beer, His lady, he said, Wore chain-mail to bed And it took off the hair round his peer (I) There once was a knight from the Mists Who cockily entered the lists A Duke soon uncocked him, Dehorned and defrocked him, He got screwed, but never was kissed! (I) If you kiss enough frogs, so they say, One might be a Prince, some fine day, But beware of the dude Who is uncouth, and lewd: He's a horny toad, and a bad lay! (I) * more * Waltz Me Around Again, Hrothgar (cont.) A certain young Herald so charming Had Arms that were very alarming: A maiden, displayed, On a bed, disarrayed, And the motto: "Foreplay is forearming!" (I) You can fight the Dark Horde, if you wanna You'll find plenty of blood, guts, and honnah While you turn them quite green With your shieldwork supreme Look out for that left-hand katana! (E) The East, or the Mid, (It depends!) Remarks when the Horde condescends To march into place With sword, spear and mace: "Your friends? I thought they were our friends!" (E) Now Ysgithrs' all in a riot They've never been peaceful and quiet We'd turn it to slag Mop it up with a rag Or sell it, but nobody'd buy it! (U) A Meridian lady, they say. Was made a peculiar way: She took forty-two strokes And three dirty jokes And a gallon of mead every day! (U) Ansteorra's a place in a rut Delighted to wallow in smut! They use dirty socks To cover their jocks And do, well, I mustn't say what! (U) As I gazed at the heavens one night The cracks in the sky caused me fright! Pieces came down! Fell all over town! I guess Chicken Little was right! (J) God's plan had a hopeful beginning But Man spoiled his chances by sinning We trust that the story Will end up in Glory But, at present, the Other side's winning…. (T) And now we have got to The End Of this song about Terrible Sin And if you've been bored I'm sorry, m'lord You should NEVER have let me begin! (I)

Follows are extra verses, and XXX-rated verses to "Waltz Me Around Again, Hrothgar": There was a young girl named Alice Who used dynamite for a phallus They found her vagina In South Carolina And her arse was just this side of Dallas! (T) A rancid old hermit named Dave Kept a dead whore in a cave He said; "I admit," "I'm a bit of a shit;" "But think of the money I save!" (T) There was a young man from Nantucket Whose prick was so long he could suck it Said he, with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!" (T) Now, Jon and Diana one day Founded the whole SCA At a Berkeley party That was very arty Now it's covered the whole USA! (U) His Grace (or Her Grace…it depends) Remarks when the Dark Horde descends With chickens and goats, six Serbs and five Croats "My friends? I thought they were YOUR friends!" (E) There once was an old maid from Wooster Who thought that a man had seduced her When looking around, She finally found: 'Twas only the bedpost that goosed her! (T) There was an old lady from Munich Who was ravished one night by a Eunuch At the height of her passion He slipped her a ration From a squirt-gun concealed in his tunic! (T) There once was a mighty stick-jock Who had holes down the length of his cock When he got an erection He'd play a selection From Johann Sebastian Bach! (U) An attractive young lady named Myrtle Had quite an affair with a turtle What is more phenominal A swelling abdominal Showed Myrtle the Turtle was fertile! (T) * more * Extra verses and XXX-rated verses to "Waltz me around again, Hrothgar" (cont.) An unfortunate fellow named Chase Had an ass that was badly misplaced He showed indignation When investigation Proved that few persons shit thru their face! (T) A Roman, who hailed from Gazondom Used a dried hedgehog's hide for a condom His mistress did shout As he pulled the thing out "De gustibus non disputandum!" (U) There was a young maid from Madras Who had a magnificent ass Not pretty, and pink, As you probably think: It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass! (T) A bather, whose clothing was strewed By breezes, that left her quite nude Saw a man come along And, unless I am wrong, You expect the next line to be lewd! (U) A habit obscene and unsavoury Holds the Vicar of Wessex in slavery With maniacal howls He deflowers young owls Which he keeps in an underground aviary! (T) There was a young harlot from Crewe Who filled her vagina with glue She said, with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They'll pay to get out of it, too!" (U) There was a young lawyer named Rex Who was sadly deficient in sex Arraigned for exposure He said, with composure, "De minimus non curat lex!" (U) There was an old lady of Tring Who, when somebody asked her to sing Replied, "Isn't it odd? I can never tell 'God Save The Weasle' from 'Pop Goes The King!" (U) A young poet, whose name was McMahon Wrote verse that never would scan When they said, "But the thing Doesn't move with a swing," He said: "Yes, but I like to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can! (U) * more * Extra Verses and XXX-rated verses to "Waltz Me Around Again, Hrothgar" (cont.) There once was a Duke from the West Whose bride wore chain-mail with the best He said," She is sweet, And gentle, and neat, But it pulls out the hairs from my chest!" (I) There once was a man named Old Jossil Who found a most int'resting fossil He could tell by the bend And the knot in the end, T'was the pecker of Paul the Apostle! (T) There once was a man from Rangoon Who was born by the light of the moon He had not the luck To be born of a fuck But a wet-dream scraped up with a spoon! (T) There once was a man from Shambock Who played the bass viol with his cock With massive erections He rendered selections From Johann Sebastian Bach! (T) There once was a girl from Milpitas Who had a great yen for coitus Her athletic friend Had an itch on the end, So now she has ath-el-ete's foetus! (U) There once was a girl from Mobile Had a cunt made of crucible steel Her greatest sex-thrill Was a rotary drill And an off-center emery wheel! (U) A broken-down harlot named Truppe Was heard to confess, in her cups, "The height of my folly Was to diddle a Collie, But I got a nice prize for the pups!" (T) There once was a man named Grost Who had an affair with a ghost He said, with a spasm, At the height of orgasm, "I think I can feel it, almost!" (T) There once was a Corsair named Bates Who did the fandango, on skates; He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless, And practically useless on dates! (T) * more * Extra Verses and XXX-rated verses to "Waltz Me Around Again, Hrothgar" (cont.) There was a young lady named Cager Who, as the result of a wager, Consented to fart The whole oboe part Of Mozart's Quartet in F Major! (U) There was a young lady from York Who was greatly adverse to the stork But no matter how firm, She feared no man's sperm, For she plugged it up first with a cork! (U) There was an old Count from Svoboda Who would not pay a whore what he owed her, So, with great savoir-faire, She stood on a chair, And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda! (T) There was a young lady from Arden Who was blowing a man in a garden, He said, in a huff: "Do you swallow the stuff?" She answered him:" (gulp!) Beg your pardon?" (T) The lovely young Countess of Bole Had a sense of humor most droll To a masquerade ball She wore nothing at all, And backed in as a Parker House Roll! (T) There was a young man from old Sparta Who was a magnificent farta He could fart anything From "God Save the Queen," To a solo from "La Traviata!" (T) On the chest of a Countess named Gail Was tatooed the price of her tail, And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was the same information, in Braille! (T) There was a young man from New Haven Who had an affair with a raven Said he, with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, "Nevermore!" (U) * note: there are HUNDREDS of verses to this song……. (T): Traditional (U): Unknown source (to protect the guilty!) (E): East Kingdom Songbook (I): Ioseph of Locksley (J): John Benson **

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