GENWiki

In this day and age of overcrowding, ballpark traitors, and local unemployment

The Group Opposed to Harboring Movers from the East (G.O. H.O.M.E.) has come up With a few guidelines concerning our best interests in the name of civic pride. The reason for these guidelines stems from our intense desire to rid ourselves o YOU, YOUR attitudes, YOUR lifestyle, YOUR blatant anti-westernism, and YOUR smelly new york black socks! You people move out here, live here two weeks, and think you own the place.

G.O. H.O.M.E. hates:

YOUR 'I LOVE NEW YORK' stickers
Being in a traffic jams because YOU moved here.
Not being able to get a job because YOU already stole it.
YOUR insults about how much you hate L.A.
YOUR boo's of OUR sports teams at OUR ballparks
YOUR  renaming	of OUR places and things (long	island	ice  tea,
Manhattan beach, New York cheesecake etc.)
And YOUR dirty, ugly, yellow license plates.

If you still insist on remaining here the following guidelines must be

strictly observed. These guidelines apply to anyone who moved to Southern California from the east. The east is defined as those geographical locations that have:

a) an unemployment rate greater than ten percent
b) snow on at least 52.7 percent of the ground between November 1 and May 1.
c) a ratio of people to steel mills less than 6000 to 1.

Exceptions: None (unless your my friend)

The Guidelines are divided into five areas:
      I. General
     II. Employment
    III. Commerce
     IV. Transportation
      V. Residential

I.  General

    a) All easterners will be issued I.D.  cards that must be carried with
  them at all times.	Armbands and matching tatoos will be worn at all times.
  The armbands and tatoos will be color coded of the source state (e.g.
  Pennsylvania-coal black, Idaho- potato head brown, New York-puke gutter
  gray)

    b) Alien Level Points (ALP) can be earned.  These points are graduated
  such that a higher accumulation results in higher alien status.  Briefly,
  there are four levels:

	    Level 1	Trash	       0 - 1000
	    Level 2	Unwanted    1001 - 5000
	    Level 3	Alien	    5001 - 10000
	    Level 4	Paroled     over  10000

    All easterners start out as Trash.  A complete list of the methods for
  point earning can be obtained in G.O.  H.O.M.E.  's pamphlet entitled 'Why
  Bother Reading This, Just Go Home'.  Here are a few examples and values:

  Burn a Yankee Cap				1 point
  Shove a cigar in Red Aurbachs face	       50 points
  Provide the permanent exit of 1 easterner   100 points

II.  Employment

    a) Easterners with Paroled level may not occupy any employment position
  associated with an income of more than $4.00 per hour.

    b) Any level below that of Paroled will not be granted employment.

III.	Commerce

    a) Easterners will not be permitted to own or obtain stock in any
  California franchise

    b) Commercial depots are to be set up for the bartering of goods amongst
  Easterners.  Bread rations are available when all the native animals are
  fed.

IV.  Transportation

    a) No easterner of any level will be permitted to use any freeways between
  the hours of 6 to 9 am and 4 to 7 pm weekdays.

    b) When the time is not during those above mentioned hours easterners must
  travel in the far right lane, roll their windows all the way down and
  tailgate:

	       i) a diesel automobile or RTD bus
	       ii) a vehicle that is burning massive quantities of oil.

V.  Residential

    a) Highrent housing is available right near the beach, underneath the
  takeoff end of LAX.

    b) More moderately priced reservations are available in a location halfway
  between Barstow and Thermal (summer only).	G.O.  H.O.M.E.	wants it to be
  known that these are only guidelines.  It remains perfectly legal, for
  example, to pummel a Californians fist with an easterners face.  These
  situations come up every now and then.

    Certain parts of our major cities are off limits to easterners.  However,
  Californians encourage easterners to visit our most prominent sites such as
  Watts Heights and Barrio Hills.  I'm sure we'll get along just fine.

				     C.O.1985

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