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rfc:rfc1882

Network Working Group B. Hancock Request for Comments: 1882 Network-1 Software and Technology, Inc. Category: Informational December 1995

             The 12-Days of Technology Before Christmas

Status of this Memo

 This memo provides information for the Internet community.  This memo
 does not specify an Internet standard of any kind.  Distribution of
 this memo is unlimited.

Discussion

 On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
        A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree
        anyway?)
 On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
        Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is
        going on?)
        And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a
        10GB database!)
 On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
        Three French users (who, of course, think they know
        everything)
        Two transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all
        over the net)
        And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)
 On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
        Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over
        and over)
        Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over
        trivial things?)
        Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones
        they are?)
        And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What's a
        pointer error?)

Hancock Informational [Page 1] RFC 1882 12-Days of Technology Before Christmas December 1995

 On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
        Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they're better than
        silver!)
        Four support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on
        hold?
        Three French users (No, we don't have footpedals on PC's. Why
        do you ask?)
        Two transceiver failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I
        would know which ones to fix!)
        And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are
        you nuts?!?!)
 On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
        Six games a-playing (On the production network, of course!)
        Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean "not terminated!")
        Four support calls (No, don't transfer me again - do you HEAR?
        Damn!)
        Three French users (No, you cannot scan in by putting the page
        to the screen...)
        Two transceiver failures (I can't look at the LEDs - they're
        in the ceiling!)
        And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That's where this
        was written?)
 On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
        Seven license failures (Expired? When?)
        Six games a-playing (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to
        each other!)
        Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean I need "wide"
        SCSI?)
        Four support calls (At least the Muzak is different this
        time...)
        Three French Users (Well, monsieur, there really isn't an
        "any" key, but...)
        Two transceiver failures (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would
        set it myself!)
        And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk
        to Lars - NOW!)

Hancock Informational [Page 2] RFC 1882 12-Days of Technology Before Christmas December 1995

 On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
        Eight MODEMs dialing (Who bought these? They're a security
        violation!)
        Seven license failures (How many WEEKS to get a license?)
        Six games a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on
        updates?!?)
        Five golden SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It's supposed to be
        fast, isn't it?)
        Four support calls (I already told them that! Don't transfer
        me back - DAMN!)
        Three French users (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to
        end a program)
        Two transceiver failures (What do you mean "babbling
        transceiver"?)
        And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English
        in Oslo?)
 On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
        Nine lady executives with attitude (She said do WHAT with the
        servers?)
        Eight MODEMs dialing (You've been downloading WHAT?)
        Seven license failures (We sent the P.O. two months ago!)
        Six games a-playing (HOW many people are doing this to the
        network?)
        Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean two have the same
        ID?)
        Four support calls (No, I am not at the console - I tried that
        already.)
        Three French users (No, only one floppy fits at a time? Why do
        you ask?)
        Two transceiver failures (Spare? What spare?)
        And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I am trying to find
        Lars!  L-A-R-S!)

Hancock Informational [Page 3] RFC 1882 12-Days of Technology Before Christmas December 1995

 On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
        Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What is that Godawful beeping?)
        Nine lady executives with attitude (No, it used to be a mens
        room? Why?)
        Eight MODEMs dialing (What Internet provider? We don't allow
        Internet here!)
        Seven license failures (SPA? Why are they calling us?)
        Six games a-playing (No, you don't need a graphics accelerator
        for Lotus! )
        Five golden SCSI contacts (You mean I need ANOTHER cable?)
        Four support calls (No, I never needed an account number
        before...)
        Three French users (When the PC sounds like a cat, it's a head
        crash!)
        Two transceiver failures (Power connection? What power
        connection?)
        And a database with a broken b-tree (Restore what index
        pointers?)
 On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
        Eleven boards a-frying (What is that terrible smell?)
        Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What's a MIB, anyway? What's an
        extension?)
        Nine lady executives with attitude (Mauve? Our computer room
        tiles in mauve?)
        Eight MODEMs dialing (What do you mean you let your roommate
        dial-in?)
        Seven license failures (How many other illegal copies do we
        have?!?!)
        Six games a-playing (I told you - AFTER HOURS!)
        Five golden SCSI contacts (If I knew what was wrong, I
        wouldn't be calling!)
        Four support calls (Put me on hold again and I will slash your
        credit rating!)
        Three French users (Don't hang your floppies with a magnet
        again!)
        Two transceiver failures (How should I know if the connector
        is bad?)
        And a database with a broken b-tree (I already did all of
        that!)

Hancock Informational [Page 4] RFC 1882 12-Days of Technology Before Christmas December 1995

 On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:
        Twelve virtual pipe connections (There's only supposed to be
        two!)
        Eleven boards a-frying (What a surge suppressor supposed to
        do, anyway?)
        Ten SNMP alerts flashing (From a distance, it does kinda look
        like XMas lights.)
        Nine lady executives with attitude (What do you mean aerobics
        before backups?)
        Eight MODEMs dialing (No, we never use them to connect during
        business hours.)
        Seven license failures (We're all going to jail, I just know
        it.)
        Six games a-playing (No, no - my turn, my turn!)
        Five golden SCSI contacts (Great, just great! Now it won't
        even boot!)
        Four support calls (I don't have that package! How did I end
        up with you!)
        Three French users (I don't care if it is sexy, no more nude
        screen backgrounds!)
        Two transceiver failures (Maybe we should switch to token
        ring...)
        And a database with a broken b-tree (No, operator - Oslo,
        Norway.  We were just talking and were cut off...)

Security Considerations

 Security issues are not discussed in this memo.

Author's Address

 Bill Hancock, Ph.D.
 Network-1 Software & Technology, Inc.
 DFW Research Center
 878 Greenview Dr.
 Grand Prairie, TX  75050
 EMail: hancock@network-1.com
 Phone: (214) 606-8200
 Fax: (214) 606-8220

Hancock Informational [Page 5]

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