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archive:stories:superg1

Subject: Superguy #1

The story thus far:

                 C'mon, get real! This is the first episode. There
            is no story thus far. Anyhow, I might as well introduce
            the main characters in the story.

Wonder Grunion: A strange new hero from the depths of the ocean.

     He was an ordinary fish until toxic refuse mutated him into
     his current condition. He now champions those causes which
     are beneath the notice of most serious super-heroes.

Kate (Katherine) McCarthy: Marine biologist from Sea World that was

     originally hired by the government to stop Wonder Grunion, but
     quickly befriended him because he wasn't male (at least not by
     human standards), he wasn't a chauvinist (not that he understood
     what chauvinism was), and he wasn't a pig (this, even Wonder
     Grunion knew and accepted). She is a card-carrying member of
     the ACLU and voted for Micheal Dukakis.

Special Agent Johnathan Sutherland: Field agent for the NIB, to stop

     and/or destroy Wonder Grunion, whichever will gain the most
     funding from covert government sources. He really doesn't have
     much of a character and doesn't know enough to be dangerous, so
     we'll just mention him in passing.

Special Special Agent Richard Less: Office agent in charge of Project

     Grunion-buster of the NIB. He is to make sure that plans to stop
     or destroy Wonder Grunion are implemented AND make sure that the
     public will never find out about these plans. To aid in his first
     task, he hired Special Agent Sutherland. To aid in his second task,
     he hired an over-sexed, photogenic young prosti.. er, lady named
     Randi, who has the special qualifications of being able to covertly
     smuggle documents by means that can only be mentioned in the file:
     SEX_TECH. She will be this author's only outlet by which to
     propigate an offensive female stereotype.

George Herbert Walker Bush: Former director of the CIA and current

     president of the United States of America. Even if he knew about
     Project Grunion-Buster, he wouldn't admit it.

J. Danforth Quayle: Heh heh heh . . .

Omegas: Major villian of SF_STORY. His goal is to take over all alterverses

     in that digest. As this is not one of them, he will not and cannot
     enter this or any other story line in Superguy Digest. (Thank God)

Elanor Bell: My grandmother and also not part of this story.

Chris Wilcox (Creeper): The author and publisher of Wonder Grunion. While

     he ...er I... should not appear in the story, I will make no promises.

Massacre: Major hero of my next Superguy production. He will make his first

     appearance in Wonder Grunion (obvious plug). From there, he may get
     his own storyline based upon a public opinion poll which I can
     override if I don't like the results.

Now, ON to the story !!!

* Wonder Grunion * Wonder Grunion was not having a good day. Not that it was going to get any better for him (not by a long shot), but it had been a pretty shitty day to begin with. To start off his fine morning, he fell over Kate's endtable, causing a serious bruise to his pride and a respectable-sized welt on his skull as well. Having yet to learn any of the better and more appropiate exclamations that befitted such a situation, Wonder Grunion decided to scream in pain. This, in and of itself, would have been fine and befitting of the moment, had Kate not been bringing in breakfast at that precise moment. This scream, combined with her astonishment over said scream, caused Kate to send the meal airborne. Not that this was bad either. Had it not been for the fact that the aforementioned breakfast carried a trajectory which, when combined with pre-existing conditions, allowed for it to fall upon Wonder Grunion's already wounded noggin. "Oh lord, I'm so sorry Wonder Grunion," Kate exclaimed. Wonder Grunion's rudimentary handling of the English language though, interpretted this to mean, 'My word, I forgot the syrup Wonder Grunion.' Even for Wonder Grunion, enough was enough. Wonder Grunion flew out of the house in a rage (quite literally as a matter of fact) and headed for the Atlantic Ocean. Wonder Grunion arrived but a few minutes later. This was not due to the amazing speed at which Wonder Grunion flew but with the extreme closeness of the Atlantic to Kate's home in Boston. Wonder Grunion decided that he was going to abandon the surface world forever and return to his ocean home. WHAT TERRORS LURK IN THE OCEAN FOR WONDER GRUNION? WHY HAVEN'T SPECIAL AGENTS SUTHERLAND AND LESS BEEN MENTIONED? DID KATE INDEED FORGET THE SYRUP? HOW CAN I SUBSCRIBE TO STARTREK DIGEST FROM UMO? WILL SOMETHING ACTUALLY HAPPEN IN THE NEXT POSTING? ALL THIS AND MORE IN THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF *WONDER GRUNION* «002» Meanwhile, unknown to Wonder Grunion (since I'm just now making it up), Joe Phoot, a pizza chef from the lower east side, sensed that he was destined to be a superhero and decided to find out what his powers were. He hotfooted it over to the Empire State Building and tried to fly to the top. Needless to say (but I'll say it anyway) this didn't work. "Maybe if I got a flying start…" he thought, so he rode to the top and jumped off, flapping his arms to beat hell. He soon realized he couldn't fly. The ground, looming in the distance, grew closer by the second. His life, miserable as it was, flashed before his eyes. Jealousy overcame him, and he felt that if he couldn't be a superhero, nobody should be. He swore on the Bible (don't ask where he got a bible) that in this life or the next he'd rid the world of super- heroes forever, or at least for a good while. Now it so happened that at nearly ground level he was falling so fast a vacuum was created above him. The air below him rushed up to fill that void, thus buoying him up enough to spare his life, though he crushed his arch supports in the landing. Thus was born FlatPhoot, greatest villain known to this digest, yet. WILL FLATPHOOT FULFILL HIS PROMISE? WILL WONDER GRUNION DROWN TRYING TO WALK TO HIS NEW HOME? WILL ANYBODY EVER READ THIS POSTING? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON: SUPERGUY!!! «003» It was a sunny day in Boston. For that matter, it was a sunny day in New York City as well. Hell, it was a beautiful sunny day almost every where in the Eastern Seaboard and everybody was pleased most gratuitously about the unexpected change in weather. I say 'change in weather' because that is exactly what it was. For the past week-and-a-half, it had been raining like a b*h everywhere, except for southern Pakistan, for reasons unknown to even the most brilliant of earth's scientists and meteorologists. These scientists were about to find what had been causing this phenomena, or so they believed, until the rain abruptly stopped. This, of course, pissed off said scientists to no end. It was not so much that they didn't have time to solve the rain dilemma, but that they had promised a highly publicized press conference, which would deliver their findings, later in the week. When it was time for said press conference to occur, all the prominent scientists went out and chose some lowly lab assistant to inform the press of their failure, and, unknown to him, get eaten alive by the vultures looking for any type of story to publish whatsoever.

   All this was of little concern to most ordinary people, though. The

general public was just glad to go outside and get some fresh air after all the rain; and they really didn't give two-hoots about what the scientists had to say, anyhow. Most suspected that it would be blamed on sunspot activity or something else equally stupid. They would quite likely still not care, even if they knew that the deluge of rain was caused by a maniacal ex-pizza boy with fallen arches. Quite bluntly, even if GOD, himself, had shouted down from the clouds that he was going to flood out the miserable little peons again, they still would not care, so long as they had time to pack their most precious belongings. This was not because most people were athiests, they were just self-centered and apathetic towards the situation at hand. They were just glad that they didn't have to trudge through one more day of wet and murkiness. That is, of course, unless they were busy moping at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, like our hero Wonder Grunion, where everything is wet and murky.

   Meanwhile, in New York City, Special Agent John Sutherland and Special

Special (not an unintentional repeat) Agent Richard Less were walking down the street in an inconspicuous manner. Inconspicuous, meaning that they were wearing black, full-length suits, death-black sunglasses, a government issue 'inconspicuous' haircut, and loose-leaf signs reading "Kick me I'm a spy", which were taped to them earlier that morning by a 13-year old novice gang member named Raoul. Despite this, they both felt inconspicuous enough, and that was the important thing.

   "You know John, " said Richard (obviously), "I tend to get rather

philosophical about things now and then."

   "Er, yes Richard," said John, fearing that he was about to be fired.
   "And from time to time I like to sit back and reflect upon our positions

in life."

   "Er, yes Richard," replied John, who, realizing that he sounded like a

broken record, was not about to say anything different until he found out where this conversation was going.

   "The other day, I leaned back in my easy chair at the office, and I

looked out at the workroom of Project G-Buster. Do you know what I saw, John ?"

   "Er, no Richard," stated John, who, had he been able to know exactly

what Richard saw the other day, was sure as hell not going to say anything about it and destroy his already tenuous position in the bureau.

   "I saw," continued Richard," hundreds of agents, scientists, and

engineers producing and using millions of dollars worth of equipment; all of which was dedicated towards the eradication of one grunion. Looking at all of this before me, I realised that I would never be able to write my memoirs with a straight face."

   John, not being quite as stupid as previously inferred, picked up that

his superior was making a joke of sorts, and that it might be considered in his best interests to act a lot more casual then he had been previously.

   "You know, Dick, that is actually rather humorous," said John with a

self-assuring chuckle.

   Suddenly, Richard turned and stared at John. He was deeply flushed and

obviously quite pissed-off.

   "Don't you ever, EVER, call me Dick again," screamed Richard.
   "Why not?" asked John in a mousish manner, knowing full well that he

had made some horrendous faux pas, yet not truly grasping what it was.

   "Say... my full... name... like that..," said Richard, breathing both

deeply and intensely in an attempt to cool himself down.

   "What," said John, "you mean Dick Le......Ohhhhhhh."
   "Now, do you understand !" said Richard in an attempt to regain his

composure.

   "Oh, yes sir. Most definately, sir," said John, in his most desperate

attempt to kiss more ass then he had ever done before.

   John and Richard walked on further.
   "Why don't you have it changed, sir," suggested John.
   "Have what changed?" asked Richard, far from in the most jovial of moods.
   "Your name, sir, why not have it changed ?"
   "What ?" asked Richard, obviously offended," and disgrace my family."
   "Speaking of family, sir, have you ever asked them why they named you that

way ?"

   "Yes, they said that they thought that it sounded cute."
   "Oh, well how did you take it, sir ?"
   "I shot them both."
   This conversation engrossed Special Agent Sutherland to such a great

degree, that he completely failed to notice that he and Dic.. er.. Richard were being followed by a curious fellow wearing orthopedic shoes and smelling faintly of pizza.

   None of this was very important, of course, for one who was spending

its time at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean, much like our hero, Wonder Grunion.

IS THIS STRANGE PERSON THE MYSTERIOUS FLATPHOOT?

WHAT IS WONDER GRUNION DOING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE ATLANTIC?

WHY WASN'T WONDER GRUNION PRESENT IN THE STORY?

WILL ANYBODY ELSE POST A STORYLINE?

WILL I BE ABLE TO KEEP THIS UP AND GET IN A IN PHYSICS?

NONE OF THESE QUESTIONS AND A GUEST APPEARANCE BY J. DANFORTH QUAYLE ON THE NEXT POSTING OF . . . .

WONDER GRUNION

«004»

   It was a sunny day in Boston. For that matter, it was a sunny day in

New York City as well. Hell, it was a beautiful sunny day almost every where in the Eastern Seaboard and everybody was pleased most gratuitously about the unexpected change in weather. It was even a sunny day in Alaska. The temperature had risen to an unbelieveable 0 degrees Farenheit. For the typical Alaskan resident this was paradise.

   Unfortunately for the rest of the world, this was a very, very bad thing.

For deep within the crystal-clear ice upon Mt. Everest, Something had begun to stir. Something very Big. Something very Ugly. Something very Hungry.

WILL SOMETHING EMERGE FROM THE ICE AND DESTROY THE WORLD IN SEARCH OF A BIG MAC?

WILL SOMETHING BE A FORCE FOR GOOD OR EVIL?

WILL ECHO EVER START A POSTING WITH UNPLAGERIZED WORK?

WILL HE EVER POST AGAIN?

WILL ANYONE ELSE BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO FINISH THE POSTING, OR WILL THE WORLD DIE OF SUSPENSE?!?!?

THESE AND OTHER NON-TRIVIAL QUESTIONS POSSIBLY ANSWERED IN THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF —-SUPERGUY—-!

«005»

                 The Adventures of Manman -- episode #11
   It was a cold day in RatherLarge City.  A geeky-looking dude with

buck teeth was wandering aimlessly down the street. He wasn't going much of anywhere, but that doesn't matter because this posting isn't about him.

   Several miles away, on the outskirts of Ratherlarge City, trouble

was brewing. Brewing coffee, actually. Trouble in the form of Dr. Sleaze. Dr. Sleaze was a sleazy kind of guy. He ran prostitution on the North Side, gambling on the East Side, drugs on the West Side, and a truly awful combination chinese restaurant and used-car showroom on the South Side. Don't ask.

   In any case, on this particular morning, Dr. Sleaze was hard at work

in his laboratory, brewing coffee. Why coffee? Why not? No, actually he was hatching a plan to introduce Powerful, Mind-Altering Drugs _tm_ into the coffee supply of the city, thus paralyzing it.

   Meanwhile, in the center of RatherLarge City, where there was

no prostitution, gambling, drugs or bad food (for the simple reason that it had been rendered uninhabitable to normal people in the last episode (which really doesn't exist and probably never will unless someone else wants to write it)), ManMan, the world's most unexceptional superhero, was having breakfast. His breakfast was, as usual, unexceptional, if not downright boring. However, just as he was finishing his oatmeal, his Danger Alarm began ringing. This was also unexceptional, because it had developed a short circuit during the events of the last episode, and had a knack for ringing at inopportune or just plain meaningless moments. MM (as his friends would have called him, if he would have been exceptional enough to have friends) thumped it on the side. This was usually enough to shut the Danger Alarm off. The alarm kept ringing. MM hit it with an aluminum bat he kept on hand for just such occasions. "Shaddup," he growled at it. It wouldnt shaddup. He threw his glass of orange juice at it. It shadduped.

   He returned to his oatmeal.
   The phone rang.  MM tried to ignore it.  It rang several more times.  MM

was out of orange juice, so he answered it.

   "Hello?" said MM.  This was the way he usually answered the phone,

unless he felt he was in a particularly good mood, in which case he usually said something along the lines of "Hi there," or "Howdy." But, since the late Danger Alarm had ruined his breakfast, he was not in a particularly good mood.

   "Hello?" said the voice on the other end of the line.
   "Hello?" said MM, thinking that this person was very friendly sounding,

but had a rather annoying habit of repeating things.

   "Hello?" said the voice.
   Aha, thought MM.  It's an echo.  Or Echo himself, trying to dump that

Mt. Everest snow creature story on me.

   He hung up.
   Unbeknownst to MM, though, this annoying and presumably prank phone call

was actually from Commissioner Bigshot, the only police commissioner in the country who would consent to work with a superhero as mediocre as ManMan. No doubt the phone call would have been about something important, because no-one ever called MM if they didnt have to.

WILL MANMAN EVER FIGURE OUT IF SOMETHING IS WRONG?

WHAT WAS THE PHONE CALL ABOUT?

WILL ANYONE EVER WRITE LAST EPISODE?

WHERE THE HELL *IS* RATHERLARGE CITY ANYWAY?

AND WHY THE HELL IS MANMAN A SUPERHERO ANYWAY IF HE'S SO MEDIOCRE? IS HE JUST IN THIS FOR THE TAX BREAK?

WILL ECHO EVER FIND SOMEONE TO FIGHT HIS ICE CREATURE?

WHO WON THE $10 MILLION DOLLARS FROM AMERICAN FAMILY SWEEPSTAKES?

WHATS THE CAPITAL OF QATAR?

- —- TUNE IN NEXT POSTING —-

«006»

                      Solutions, unLtd.  (issue #1)
   They were a group brought together for no apparent reason, one humanoid and

three that were nominally human. The construction and design of their new base home had taken altogether too long and now it was almost time to get down to some serious heroing.

    But first, it's Miller time!
   3 days and 1500 gallons later (remember these 4 people are more than human)

Qwyntor, resident alien supra-genius and inventor, finally remembers what that ringing noise is…. the phone.

   "Hello, Solutions unLimited.  If you have a pro...  "
   "Hey Qwint, this is Rock, I might have a job lined up for you guys."
   "That is great Mr. Rockefeller but I am afraid that the rest of the team

won't be available for the next few days unless I get around to finishing that Omni-Medic I was telling you about. We had a, un, house burning party."

   "That bad huh, well, anytime in the next week is fine but I need an answer

ASAP for the government. Oh, and the phrase is 'house warming'."

   "The Government, what do they need US for?" (a look of surprise and fear on

his face due to his own uncertain status).

   "They want you to track down a group of prisoners that mysteriously escaped

from the State Pen. It seems easy enough and the money is decent if you are interested."

   "I shall ask the others as soon as they regain conciousness."
   Carefully placing the phone on the hook on the third try Qwyntor turned and

surveyed the chaos of the living area with which the Butlerbots were battling for supremacy. Sighing mightily he turn his steps toward the kitchen to fix some …..

   "Sheen, Query, What time is it"
   Sheen, the AI who only liked housekeeping, answered in a smooth cultured 

voice.

   }You dont have to be so stiff, dear.  You are a much better programmer 

than you give yourself credit for, and it is 5 o'clock in the evening{

   "Thanks, do you have any cures for a 'Hang-over'?"
   }Well, there is this one recipe but it is 78% tabasco sauce{
   "I'll take it, what is tabasco sauce?"
   }I'm not sure but it isn't toxic to your system{
   Taking the glass off the counter Qwyntor casually (but with very small 

steps) made his to his workshop to resume work on the much needed med…..

   "!!!AAARRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
   }Well, it shouldn't have been toxic.  Are you okay?{
   With only a glare he hurled the glass at the nearest speaker and continued

on his way. In his workshop were the pieces of something that might be a New Wave coffin on amphetamines, or an automatic doctor, depending on your state of mind at the time. Calmly sitting down the young alien sets to work on his latest project.

   Meanwhile, at Rockefeller Enterprises, Archibald Q. Porter, stormed into 

the office of his utmost supervisor.

   "Damn it Rock, this time he has gone to far!"
   "Qwyntor?"
   "Of course, you want to know how the broadcast power system works?  I'll 

tell you, it creates a parallel dimension to suit the machines needs and transmits the power through that dimension instead of this one!"

   "My God, how did he do that?"
   "He used an Atarii 2600 game cartridge, Donkey Kong to be exact."  

Professor Porter started crying. "I tell you Rock, I don't know how much more of this I can take. His inventions shouldn't work, yet they can be duplicated in production. How is that possible?"

   "Don't ask me, that's why I hired you.  Need a vacation?"
   "I don't really think so, after all, I've only been back 3 days from the 

last one. I think I'll head over to the junkyard and see what he's working on now. I'm already distraught, might as well make the best of it. Sorry for the outburst."

   "Don't mention it, you needed it.  Have fun."
   "Yeah, right" the professor mumbles as he leaves the spacious penthouse 

office and heads down to the parking garage to get his car.

   Industrial and Community Junk Yard had never been what you would call a 

normal place to work, but since old man Jacobs had died and left his junkyard to the mysterious stranger found on pile seven things had gotten decidedly bizarre. First, a bunch of 'super-heroes' had shown up and then a Rockefeller construction team had shown up, worked furiously for two months, and made no apparent changes except for adding living areas BENEATH the office. Glancing back she noticed that in her reverie she had missed a spot of wax on the table.

   }Mrs. Jenkins there isn't any need for you to polish the furniture.  I am

perfectly capable of the task myself{

   "Maybe, but I don't want any Butler-bucket-of-bolts messing with the 

Teakwood tables."

                           %%%%%%%BONG%%%%%%%%
   }Dr. Porter was at the gate, I let him in and he is parking his car.{
   "Archie? I thought he was still on vacation.  He is probably here to see 

Qwint, is the dear awake?"

   }Yes ma'am, he entered his workroom approximately 27.72597632475265 

minutes ago{

   "Okay, just direct the doctor there and I will go fix him some herb tea,

he will probably need it before too long."

   The professor entered the workshop just as Qwyntor was putting the 

finishing touch on the Omni-medic, a hood ornament off of a Mercedes that was to be used as the handle to the door.

   "Ah the auto-doc, is it finished?"
   "Yes, Professor, I finally found the problem.  The 'Gone With the Wind' 

laser disc was completely incompatible with the rest of the system. I substituted 'The Blues Brothers' and she took right off, fully functional."

   During this explanation the Professor's faced seems very pained.
   "Why did you stop by?"
   "Just to see how you were progressing on the unit but that is unnecessary,

when can you ship it to the Lab?"

   "Well, I'd like to keep it around to test on the others, I feel it will 

be much more effective than a 78% tabasco solution on them."

   As the Prof. restrains from asking Mrs. Jenkins enters carrying a tray 

laden with tea and a few cookies. She sets the tray down, says hello, and leaves before Sheen can divert a Butlerbot to wax the hall table.

   Thus ends the first episode as Prof. Porter sips tea with Qwyntor and 

shudders everytime he looks at the contrapton in the center of the room.

«007»

                     Trashman 1--the Trashman cometh!
                             Eric, Lord Sabre
   In the depths of the darkest pit of perdifery ever to be seen this side of

Cleveland (or even THAT side of Cleveland), deep within the very evilmost and slime-ridden sewer of said pit of perdifery, lay a vacious festering spoor of evil and toxic chemicals, most of which were flushed from the pit proper along with certain waste products from the inhabiyants of the pit congealed in a mass of horrific stench and proportion.

   Into this mess did stride a young rat, name of Willard, who had until this

point led a reasonably normal life terrorizing poor innocent broke, unemployed Large Manly Men who lived in basement apartments.

   Needless to say, this being a superheroic type story, Willard didn't 

immediatly go to rat heaven (which is an Altiverse consisting totally of Fast food joints, see Sf_story). Instead, the young rat began to change, growing, turning larger, mutating, and getting REAL hungry….

   Meanwhile, in the Pit Proper itself, young Jack Tripper, having been fired

from his job as a chef on various TV sitcoms was cooking a mass-meal for the inhabitants of the pit. This was hard to do, as the food budget was Government subsidized and the kitchen had no utensils to speak of, beyond fireplace tongs, a vat or two, and sixty-seven old rusty cans.

   "This place is disgusting," he said for the three-hundredth time.  He then

tripped over a few paper-clips, prompting laughter from the laugh track that seemed to follow him around.

   "Tripper!" barked an older man in a rather impeccable army uniform.
   Tripper sprang to his feet, knocking over the paint cans and causing the 

left vat to tip, prompting another laugh from the laughtrack. "Yessir?" he managed to squeak out.

   "As you know, this Pit of Perdifery is the horrific testlabs of the Mega-

Intelligence Bureau–where top government scientists experiment with the very fabric of life in horribly dangerous though government-approved chemical chambers! Why, three days ago, we managed to create a rabbit capable of opening and drinking a can of beer with minimal resistance and only moderate help! Why, tomorrow, we could have pizza-making gerbils!"

   "I know this sir."
   "I know you know, son, but the general readers of Superguy didn't know 

this–understand?"

   "Yessir."
   "Good!  But they can't do any of that if they refuse to eat!  The swill 

you serve isn't up to Government specifications swill! I expect better swill out of you!!!!"

   "Yessir, Colonel Korn!".
   "Good!"  The Colonel left poor Jack standing there, despairing of ever

getting a pension.

   In the shadows, a large, nasty lifeform watched.  He was very hungry, now,

and really wanted to eat.

   Jack was looking mighty fine.
   Meanwhile....
   In the shadows near the secret entrance to the pit (marked only by the 

bright neon-sign reading 'Secret Entrance to Pit, Keep Out' and the three photongun-armed guards) crouched a lone figure. Having discovered the plans to the pit in the garbage behind MIB headquarters in Washington DC, and distrusting the agency as much as any of the Superheroes, the figure decided to check it out–especially after the media reports the government was conducting experiments on frogs. He had crouched for some time, but was waiting for the proper moment to gain entrance to the building.

   He was Trashman, and he was ready for action.  Checking his wristcomp, he 

queried the current condition of the Trashmobile. All systems seemed functional, and the fusion plant was operating at peak efficency. Good–now all he had to do was wait.

   "Helllllooooo, dinnnnnnneeeeerrrr," rasped a voice behind Jack.
   Fear crept into Jack's eyes.  "Crissy?" he asked nervously, triggering the

canned laughter yet again.

   "Wrrrrroooooonnnggggg!!!!!!!" shouted the beast, leaping.  He was a three-

hundred pound humanoid rat, with nasty claws, jagged teeth, a really bad breath problem, and zeal in its eyes! "I am RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT- MMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!"

   "Oh, terribly sorry," said the panicked Jack as he was slammed into by 

Ratman, and had his shoulder devoured while his face was rended off… triggering the laughter one last time.

   "RRRRRRraaaaaUUUUUUGGGHHH!!!!!  Thhhhiiissss mmmmmeattttt iiiiissss 

raaaaaancid…no substance to itttt atttt allllll…." said Ratman, spitting out a chunk of Jack.

   "Funny, that's just what our critics said," said Jack, before passing out 

and bleeding all over the place.

   Ratman leapt to his feet, saw an exit, and slammed through it, looking for

more palatable food.

   In lab number four, a small group of scientists was busy overseeing the 

pumping of four and a half gallons of toxic plutonium into a small, cute puppy, all in the name of science.

  "Hmmmmm...Dr. Red, have you ever seen eyes bulge like that?"
   "No, well, not since I electrocuted my goldfish in the third grade--wrote 

a devastating report about it."

   "Dr. Brown, I think the kitten in cage six has begun to exhibit 

metapowers."

   "Oh, Dr. Green?"
   "Yes, he just vomited a distance of nine meters, with an impact force of 

seventeen kilograms per square inch!"

   "Oh, good show!" said Dr. White
   Just then, Ratman burst through the doors, leapt on Dr. Red, and began to 

noisily devour him.

    "I say, Dr. Green, this is odd."
   "Yes it is, Dr. White--isn't Dr. Blue in lab five working on rats, though?"
   Ratman then leapt off the picked bones of Dr. Red, and began to eat Dr. 

Brown.

   "No," said Dr. White, "those are guinea pigs."
   "Oh, pity, that.  Remarkable growth rate."
   "Yes."
   The two observed the rather messy consumption of their colleague.
   "We really should write a report on this," said Dr. White.
   "Indeed.  Hm, should we call security?"
   "Of course not--this is the ultimate chance to observe the field 

conditions of metapowers in action. I say we watch it as long as we possibly can–to set up the videocam–ERK" as Ratman lept on Dr. White. Dr. Green began to set up the camera, and scribbled notes until Ratman finished Dr. White and launched on him–at the very end signing his name to the document and claiming sole responsibility.

   Back at the entrance, Trashman continued to watch the entrance, and 

readied his indestructable Trashcan lid to disable the guards, when the door was smashed open by a bloody three hundred pound manrat.

   "RRRRRRRRRrrrraaaaaattttmmmmmmaaannnn mmmmuuuuussssttt feeeeeed!!!!"

shouted the rodent.

   "Hm, I take it I should stop this menace," murmered Trashman.
   As if to answer him, Ratman ate two guards, while the third awoke began to

take the safeties off her Photongun.

   "All right!  Stop right there!"  shouted Trashman, leaping into a 

somersault that landed him right in front of the fracas, Canlid in ready position.

   "RRRRRRRaaaaaaaauuuurrrrgggghhhhh!!!!"  shouted Ratman.
   "Wow," shouted the somewhat perky female guard.

WILL TRASHMAN BE ABLE TO SAVE THE GUARD AND DEFEAT RATMAN?

WILL THE GUARD RENOUNCE HER TIES TO MIB AND JOIN TRASHMAN IN POUNDING ON RATMAN?

WILL THE GUARD RENOUNCE HER TIES TO MIB AND JOIN RATMAN IN EATING TRASHMAN?

WILL THE GUARD KEEP HER TIES TO MIB AND JUST PHOTONBLAST THE HELL OUT OF BOTH OF THEM?

  The answers to these pulse pounding questions will be found in the

next issue of TRASHMAN, only on Superguy digest!!!!!!!

«008»

                          Trashman 2--Rat Fight
                             Eric, Lord Sabre
   Trashman stood in front of the MIB pit, indestructable trashcan lid (or 

lid, for short) at the ready. Ratman, the rodent mutated into a really ugly son-of-an ugly rat, stood, nasty fangs and sharp claws at the ready. The cute female security guard stood as well, Photongun still having four complex safeties to deactivate and not at all at the ready. All in all, the security guard felt the least in control of the situation.

   "I'm going to give you only one chance to surrender, Rat, and then I'm 

going to bring you down!"

   "Rrrrrraaaatmaaaan eaaaaaatt SSSSssssaaaaaanniiittaatttiiioonn

EEEEnnnngggiiinnnnneeeeerrrrr!"

   "Lord, where do these guys get this dopey dialogue?"
   Ratman leapt at Trashman, preparing to claw the hero into dinner.  

Trashman flipped the lid in front of him, causing the rodent to slam into and bounce off of it. Trashman jumped up to a convientent overhanging pipe and kicked Ratman right in the yellow teeth as the rat stood. Ratman took the opportunity that Trashman had given him to bite down on Trashman's foot, and throw the hero into the door of the Pit. As he flew towards the door, Trashman somersaulted in mid-air, hurling his lid at Ratman, collapsing his body against the door, and kicking off into a backflip that landed him next to the guard (two safeties down, and having trouble with the third.)

   The lid caught Ratman into the back, ricocheted about four times, before 

landing in Trashman's hands again.

   "What a scientificlly impossible coincidence!" the guard murmered in awe.
   "Why, thank you," said Trashman, "I try."
   While he was busy talking to the guard, Trashman got jumped upon by a now 

irate three hundred pound rodent. To say this disturbed the normally calm hero would be rather an understatement. The fact that the rodent was trying hard to bite his shoulder off didn't help matters much, either. Fortunately, Trashman's grey coveralls were made out of a doublebonded polymer/kevlar material which afforded Trashman some protection. Which meant rather than the bite going through the shoulder, it just hurt. A lot. A whole lot.

   "AAAAAAAAArrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhh!"  Arrghed Trashman.
   The guard, seeing the reasonably handsome if mostly covered and somewhat 

odd would-be savior in such dire straits, gave up on the gun as an energy weapon and instead began to beat the rat with it.

  This had the net effect of causing Ratman to remember the guard, and that 

her uniform was much easier to bite through. He jumped off of Trashman, and onto her.

   Trashman, ever the sportsman, flung his lid at point blank range straight 

at Ratman's neck. This stung the rat a bit and he got off of the girl. The top of her uniform was in shreds, but fortunately, amazingly convenient and well-placed shadows prevented anyone from seeing any naughty bits.

   The rodent leapt AGAIN, trying to knock over the now weaponless Trashman. 

However, Trashman yanked an old rusty chairleg out of his coveralls utility pocket and knocked the big ugly rat to the side. "All right, Micky Mouse, let's finish this, man to rat!"

   "Booooooyyyyy," the rat rasped, "do yooooooouuuu neeeeeddd aaaa neeeeeewww

wwwwrrrriiiittttteeeeerrrrr!"

   "Oh yeah, well at least my dialogue can be read!  For god's sake, you 

sound like Bob Dylan!"

   Credit to a large editorial Troll sitting at my left for the last line.
   "DDDDDDIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"  And the rat leapt YET AGAIN.  Trashman was 

ready this time, however, and flipped an old bedspring out of his utility pocket, positioning it between the rat and the ground at the Rat's point of impact.

   BOING and the rat flew a good forty feet.  BOING and forty more, into the 

darkness. Boing boing boing until even the noise faded. In short, the battle was over.

   "Miss, I'd see about getting a new uniform if I were you.  Now, I'd best 

be off before MIB investigators try and grab me!" Scooping up his Trashcan Lid, Trashman jumped to the pipe, did a triple swing, and flipped to the Trashmobile.

   The guard, still concealed by the convenient shadows, was waiting there.

"You know, you'd save rather a lot of time if you just walked from place to place."

   Trashman stared.  No, not at those.
   "Now then, take me with you."
   "Why?  I mean, I cannot show an agent of the Mega-Intelligence Bureau my 

secret hideaway, my Fortress of Loneliness, my Private Lair, my–"

   "Stow it, Trashman, I'm not an MIB agent--I'm a rent-a-cop and I want to 

go with you, to add some sex appeal to this comic and possibly some angst."

   "Oh, in that case,"  Trashman slipped out his control panel and thumbed a 

switch. The Trashmobile's door opened. To be honest, the Trashmobile looked like a large garbage truck, but its automation was impressive.

   The girl got in, followed by Trashman.  They then got out and re-entered in

reverse order, so that Trashman was in the driver's seat (the Guard not having a valid Class Three driver's license.)

   "By the way," said Trashman to the guard, "what's your name?"
   "Jan," she replied, "Jan Taylor."
   "Pleased to meet you," he said looking at her shadows.
   "Turn around and drive," she replied demurely, emphisizing by pointing her

photon gun at his privates.

   Trashman drove.
   Deep within the pit, Jack Tripper awoke.  He looked around himself.  

Everything had been knocked about and ripped apart. He then looked at himself.

  All of the damage done to him by Ratman had disappeared.  He was completely

healed.

   "Mother!"  he squealed in a high pitched voice, and the canned laughter 

laughed.

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH JACK?

WILL JAN AND TRASHMAN BECOME AN ITEM?

WILL RATMAN RETURN?

DO WE WANT RATMAN TO RETURN?

WILL WE EVER GET A PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION OF ANYONE BUT RATMAN?

WILL WE EVER FIND OUT ANYTHING MORE ABOUT TRASHMAN?

YES! Be here for our very next issue, where we discover…

THE ORIGIN OF TRASHMAN!!!!!!!!!!!

Only here, on Superguy! Lets all be there!

«009>

                   The Adventures of Manman Epsiode #12
   When we last left our hero, he was calmly eating breakfast after receiving

a mysterious phone call, which was actually from Commissioner Bigshot. Somewhere in another part of the city, Dr. Sleaze was hatching yet another diabolical plot to gain control of RatherLarge City.

* Episode #12 *

   Manman calmly finished his oatmeal, two slices of lightly buttered toast 

with grape jelly, a bowl of little round cereal and a glass of milk. (He ran out of orange juice last episode, remember?). Today was shaping up to be a thoroughly mediocre day. Manman sighed with contentment. He was in his element.

   Somewhere, across the universe, an asteroid broke loose from its orbit

and began heading toward the Earth. It was on a collision course, in fact. However, the odds of Manman being still alive by the time the asteroid actually reached the earth, were, to put it bluntly, absolutely nil. Thus, Manman felt that he was safe in sighing with contentment, little suspecting that trouble from far closer to home was also on a collison course with him, due to arrive in about five minutes, in fact.

   Precisely five minutes and thirty-two seconds later, the commissioner

burst into Manman's apartment.

   "Manman," he said with authority, "we need your help.  The city is in 

grave danger."

   However, since he was wearing heavy protective gear to shield himself

from the lingering effects of episode #10 (whatever those were), MM heard something along the lines of:

   "MMMMM," he mumbled vaguely, "mm mmmm mmmm mmmm.  Mmm mmmm mm mm mm

mmmm mmmmm."

   Manman puzzled this out for a minute.  Aha, he thought, charades!
   Manman thought for a moment.  "How many words?"
   The commissioner shook his head "Mmmm mmm MMMM!" He mumbled urgently.
   "Aha!  Three words!"  Who says I'm mediocre, he thought to himself.
   The commissioner began to shake his head harder.  "MM!!" he grunted.
   "Shake?"
   "MMM!!"
   "Dog?"
   "MM MMM!  MMMM MMM MMMM!"
   "Hmmm..."  Manman paused in deep thought.  He could have sworn something

nearby was burning. "Epilepsy?"

   The commissoner began to wonder what the penalty for killing a supehero

was. Fortunately, he noticed a coloring book and a red crayon lying on the breakfast table. He grabbed them and began writing.

   "Coloring?  Writing a note?  Hmm... a dog writing a note... Lassie?"

The spoon whizzed by his head. "Hostility… note… dog… the Animal Liberation Front???" Manman was pleased with this guess.

   The commissioner held the note in front of Manman's face.
   Scanning the page, Manman rendered his expert opinion on the situation.

"Hey! Thats not even staying in the lines!!!"

   Through a long and arduous process which the author feels no particular

desire to relate, Commissioner Bigshot finally managed to explain to our hero that Dr. Sleaze, that diabolic do-badder, had hatched a fiendishly clever plot to control the city by introducing Powerful, Mind-altering Drugs _tm_ into the coffee supply of the city, and that to help his devilish scheme, he had kidnapped the one man all coffee drinkers respect and trust – Juan Valdez. We rejoin our hero (oh, right and Manman too) after this revelation has been revealed (through the aforementioned long and arduous process which the author feels no need to relate).

   "I understand!" said Manman. "Dr. Sleaze is attempting to gain control

of RatherLarge City by infiltrating the coffee supply with Powerful, Mind- altering Drugs _tm_ and has kidnapped Juan Valdez to further his evil plot, right?"

   The commissioner heaved a huge sigh of relief.  "Yes.  Thats right."
   Manman thought a second longer.
   "Ok, now that we have that one straight... why did you come to see me?"
   The commissioner screamed.  Loudly.

WILL THE COMMISSIONER KILL MANMAN?

WILL MANMAN SAVE THE DAY?

WHO WILL PICK COFFEE IF DR. SLEAZE HAS JUAN VALDEZ?

WILL WE EVER FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO RATHERLARGE CITY IN EPISODE #10?

WHEN IS SOMETHING GOING TO HAPPEN IN THIS STORY, ANYWAY?

WILL THE COMMISSIONER GET FRUSTRATED AND PHONE WONDER GRUNION?

WOULD WONDER GRUNION TAKE THE CASE EVEN IF HE DID?

WHY DOES EVERY AUTHOR FEEL COMPELLED TO TACK THESE STUPID QUESTIONS ON TO THE END OF EACH POSTING?

tune in for Manman #13, everything you ever wanted in an episode– and less

                       The Armadillo - Chapter One
  • DISCLAIMER: Don't blame me or anyone else for anything. I fell down a flight of stairs at any early age.*
   Joe and Ed stood by the trash dumpster, catching a few smokes while on

their ten minute coffee break. The Texas sun was hot on their backs, and the heat sizzled up from the cement. They were temp workers, and not happy about it, but as they are only appearing in this story for a few paragraphs, don't get overly concerned about their plight. They had been busy all morning at the "Flatfoot Emporium", a retail store specializing in old detective pulps and videotapes of "The Untouchables" and other similar media products of that genre. [For the unenlightened of you out there, the word 'genre' is a term used by us smart-assed artistic types to mean lots of books, movies or magazines rehashing the same old stuff.]

   Apparently, the Emporium had been bought out by certain members of the PTL

board of trustees, and they were planning on turning the building into a Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker Memorial Museum, in honor of the now late Bakkers, who died in a tragic accident involving lengths of rope, a pound of butter, and 97 vials of mascara. This isn't important either, so don't get worried. What IS important is that Joe and Ed had been ordered to remove all the videos, magazines, and books from the premises and dump them somewhere, preferably far away. This is what Joe and Ed had been doing all morning.

   Finishing his smoke, Joe tossed it to the ground and crushed it under

his heal. Moving back toward the dumpster, he noticed a rat running out from the dumpster. It was the same rat they had seen all morning, the one they had affectionately named 'Willard'. "Gee," said Joe, "that rat seems to be running off in the direction of Washington D.C."

   "So what," said Ed. "Let's get finished. I got a bowling match tonight."
   "Okay," said Joe.
   By mid-afternoon they were finished, and took the dumpster to a far away

dump. They quickly dumped their not-so-precious cargo off the side of a small hill and drove off into the quickly setting sun, unaware that they had just dumped nearly a ton of Detective Genre books, magazines, and videos on a pool of toxic waste. [Origin of waste unknown – for now.]

   The next morning, a small, non-descript armadillo was meandering his way

through the dump looking for his breakfast. He came across the pile of toxic magazines, books and videos, said "What the hell?" in armadillo language, and began to dig in. It wasn't particularly good eating, but he didn't expect to find much better in a dump where the likes of Joe and Ed dumped things. After chowing down for 20 minutes [he was a hungry armadillo], he decided to burrow into the pile and sleep for a while. [Now, you're all out there yelling "NO! Don't do it!" and the like, but remember, this is an armadillo, not a B-movie bimbo, so of course he isn't going to understand you.]

   Several hours later he woke up, and immediately realized something was

different. He tunneled out of the pile and stood up in the cool evening air. Off to the side a more-or-less intact mirror stood against a pile of junk, and the armadillo walked over to it. Looking in, the image he saw shocked him. He was now humanoid, standing roughly 5 feet 6 inches. He was still clad in armor, but was now wearing a tan trench coat and a tan, beaten fedora. In a shoulder holster sat a .38 revolver, well oiled. Rummaging through his coat pockets, he came across a box of ammo in one and a bottle of cheap bourbon in the other. He uncapped the bourbon and took a swig. "Smoooooth," he said, then was shocked to find that he was speaking Human English, with an accent that was a cross between Chicago and Bronx. [Eerie to consider, eh?]

   He looked off in a Northwesterly direction, knowing where his destiny

lay……The Big Apple.

                        Several Years Later...
   [Right now you are probably asking why this story is suddenly jumping

several years into the future. I can answer that question by giving you a description of our hero, who herein is known as The Armadillo [or Dillo Man by his friends]. On that fateful day when he ate and nested in a pile of toxic Detective Genre media stuff, The Armadillo gained humanoid form, sentience, and a taste for cheap bourbon. Those aren't all of his powers, though. His body is still made up of armadillo armor, so he can take most blows and gunshots with surprisingly little damage. His trench coat never takes damage, nomatter how many shots it takes, and his fedora never falls from his head. He has gained the proportional strength of an armadillo [what are you laughing at? Do you know how strong one must be to ALWAYS carry a suit of armor around? thought that would make you straighten up in your seat.] and unfortunately, the proportional speed of an armadillo, which explains why our story leaps ahead in years.]

   So, as I was saying...    Several Years later...
   She walked down the hall, apprehensive as all hell, but knowing she

had to do what she was about to do. The dimly lit corridor smelled like a zoo, and the floor was littered with fast-food wrappers. As the echo of her high heels resounded through the hall [how can noise resound through a trash filled corridor, which should normally absorb the sound? Don't ask me..all I know is that it makes for a neat hollow deserted effect.] she stopped in front of a wooden door with a smoked plate glass window. On the window were written the letters A D A, which she knew to stand for the Armadillo Detective Agency. Wondering how she could decide to use an agency with such a name, she knocked on the door.

   A flat, oddly accented voice answered. "Come in."
   She opened the door and gasped upon looking at the form behind the desk.

"My God," she said. "You really ARE an armadillo! I thought that was just a gimmick."

   For his part, The Armadillo was quite taken aback when he saw her. She was

a statuesque blond with a body that would make a rat start living a clean life. Her hair flowed freely over her shoulders, accenting her rather large ##CENSORED##. And her legs weren't bad either. He had to exert massive control to keep his tongue from rolling onto the floor. {After all,} he thought, {what flatfoot worth the name would show emotion over a dame.}

   "I know it's a gimmick," he replied in a voice which sounded like it came

from a person who was born and raised in the Bronx, but had been living on the South Side of Chicago for the past five years. "But it ain't mine..it's the author's. I don't have any control over him."

   "I understand," the woman said.  "Ya' gotta help me, Mr. um, ah..."
   "They call me The Armadillo," he said.
   "Okay, Mr. um, Armadillo.."
   "No," he interupted. "Not Mr. um, Armadillo.  Just call me Mr. Dillo."
   "Yes Mr. Dillo.  Anyway, I'm in a lot of trouble, and ya' gotta' help me."
   He watched the way she breathed when she talked. And the way she breathed

when she moved. And the way she breathed when she didn't move. He even watched her when she didn't breathe. {And to think of all those years I fooled around with armadillos, when I coulda' been playin' the bagpipes with this one here.}

   "Why are ya' in trouble, shweetheart?"
   Mere moments later, as she was about to explain what her problems were,

a terrible explosion went off, knocking in the windows and shattering everything in the room, including [presumably] our hero and the dame.

WHAT WAS THAT EXPLOSION?

DID THE ARMADILLO AND THE DAME SURRVIVE?

DOES "SHE" HAVE A NAME?

WILL THE ARMADILLO GET TO PLAY THE BAGPIPES WITH HER?

THE ANSWERS TO THESE AND OTHER EXCITING QUESTIONS CAN BE FOUND IN A SMALL WHITE ENVELOPE HIDDEN IN THE PIANO AT 'RICK'S PLACE'!!!!!!! -OR-

TUNE IN NEXT TIME…SAME ARMADILLO TIME…SAME ARMADILLO CHANNEL

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