From email@example.com Thu Jul 6 13:49:45 1989 From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Dave Thorpe) Subject: Nigel the Hedgehog, Chapters ten and eleven
The Saga of Nigel the Hedgehog ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chapter X ~~~~~~~~~
Authors: Chapters I - IX >
Kelvin > Pete > Chris > Gary > Aktar > Davet > Kelvin > Pete > Chris
Nigel thought about the evil overbearing and generally caddish Overlord's last words and then considered the amount of times that the Overlord had involved gonads in his plots. From these vital pieces of information he could reason the way in wnich the Overlord intended to rid the world of hedgehogs. "I'm a lumberjack and I'm …" sang Nigel happily as he slowly came down to land just outside a public erinacious lavatory. What better way to remove hedgehogs than to ensure they couldn't breed, and what better way to ensure they can't breed than by removing male hedgehog's gonads. Nigel rushed in, in his familiar 'I'm ready to rescue defenceless citizens from certain death' mood and faced a row of urinals ahead of him and a series of closed doors on his left. Behind the door closest to him Nigel could hear screaming. "Oh no!", he cried "I've arrived too late." He smashed down the door with a mighty superhedgehog smack and then, blushing profusely, he picked the door back up and apologised to the incumbent hedgehog and his sheepy friend that Nigel had disturbed. The next cubicle he was a little more cautious about entering when a scream rang out from behind its door…
The scream got louder and louder and higher and higher in pitch untill Nigel could hold back no longer. With super-heroic swiftness he: knocked quietly on the door and said, "Errrrr…are you in need of any help??" "Yeeeeesssssssssss!!!!!!", came the frantic reply. This was it, Nigel's chance to do something really useful, producing 10p from his utility belt Nigel deftly gained access to the latrine. Upon whizzing the door open Nigel was confronted with a painfull sight……
^ | Notice how these two words are exactly the same and also appear one above the other, clever isn't it? See if you can do better.
… ( "Hi, I'm Simon the Sight, and I'm in pain" - sorry ), Nigel could see what was going on. In the cubicle was not only a hedgehog ( Nigel it was not ), but also a man, wearing a striped shirt, quite like the men Nigel had met in the overlords employ. He also carried a sharp weapon, which Nigel, recognised
from the overlord's laboratory as being a hedgehog-gonads ( Nigel remembered
the name with horror ) chopping knife. The hedgehog must be Nigel'ed away, ( or rescued , for those not totally au fait with the style Nigel speaks with ) so he paused to spring ( The handspring was always the move Nigel was best at - he rarely missed his target ). He sprang viciously at him , Nigel catching him on the back of the head and knocking him out. It just shows Nigel always gets his man.
Nigel disrespectfully poked the crumpled-up, gnarled, charred, rumpled, smelly, stiltskined, old, cadaverous(Kelvin word believe it or not) body to make sure that it was dead. Indeed it was …
He placed his John-Thomas away in his U-belt (in the pocket named indispensable tools) and turned to face Simon. Simon was visibly distressed by the recent proceedings and dived into Nigel's warm embrace in order to gain some comfort. "Steady on now, old chap", said Nigel as Si began ruffling those extra-super- steel-like-gelled-back-spines, sending quivers down his spine. By now quite a crowd had gathered to bear witness to this romantic lavatorical scene of two hedgehogs held in each other's arms. Police were rushing around as well gathering statements regarding the death of the man in the striped shirt (death in self defence of course and not murder). TV stations from all over the world had been posted in to capture on film the particularly moving scenes. The fire brigade and Irish-lets-fixit-cowboy-construction- company had to be called in to rip out the roof of the lav's so that all the Japanese tourists in their flying machines could see not only Nige&Si but also all those hairy workmen's bums. Gorbachev pulled Ronnie (i.e. the dimwitted ex-president and not the ex-sheep) in out of the morgue to hold a summit on nuclear warheads and the use of utility belts. Sam Fox had vowed never to cause humankind so much anguish again by showing us her dustbin-lids - all this to commemorate the joining of two hedgehogs. But in all this no-one noticed the "I'm a gay communist bagde" that fell out of Si's bag…
Luckily, Si noticed this small round statement of political belief fall out of his bag. 'Phew' thought Si. Unluckly, Nigel noticed him hastely picking it up. And since all super-heroes are right-wing 'protectors of democracy', 'free will', etc. Nigel was totally against communism. Even worse was *gay* communism. Luckily, Nigel's love for Si (that had grown and grown) was stronger than any political belief. He felt he could forgive Si for the moment, and convert him later. He would keep quiet. Unluckly, a greasy reporter from 'the moon' didn't think so. The reporter decided to make a smear campaign that would make Nigel the centre of a 'communist super-hero' scandal. Oh what woe was to fall upon our super-hero!
Nigel felt confused and upset by all the attention that had suddenly been piled upon him; at heart he was a very modest animal who wanted only to be loved and adored from a distance. He backed off further and further into the corner, his head spinning and his spines erect. He sank to the ground and howled loudly "I am not a gay communist, I am a hedgehog". He had seen the Elephant Man several times and was not one to miss out on a melodramatic episode when he could contrive one. Then he noticed a huge hole in the wall that no-one had yet seen due to their un-super-hedgehog-like ignorance. "Hmm, created by the after-effects of an erinacious curry, I'll wager!", Nigel thought to himself as he crept out. On the other side he removed the huge tub of quick dry polyfilla that he always kept behind his ear in case of emergencies and covered his escape route expeditiously. Then, squintingly, he turned around with considerable trepidation as he knew, from experience, the kind of horrific scenarios that we always put him through.
Nigel's wildest imaginations (and they got *pretty* damn wild sometimes) could not match the sight that was to meet him. As Nigel slowly turned, almost petrified with trepidation (two good, honest, kelvin like words there) he started to see, out of the corner of his eye….OH NO!!!He had not escaped the tangled plot of the overlord and Fatlegsmason the Grand Wizard Testicle of Chaos as before him he saw the largest, evilest looking testicle he had ever seen (and belive me he had seen some pretty awesome Gonads in his fight against the Overlord, but you know that anyway). The testicle was so mean that it ate baby hedgehogs on toast for breakfast. It opened it's horribly toothsome gob and said "Can I interest you in a Green party manifesto, or perhaps a carton of enviromentally sound detergent. Excuse me but is the spine-spray you use CFC free. I do hope you recycle your toilet paper. ….. ozone layer…. oil slicks …… maple trees …….. flowers in our hair ……". Oh my GOD, uttered Nigel, Fatlegsmason's plan involved Aging Hippy Green Party Politics and Ecologically Sound Student Rag Mag Sellers!!!!!!! He would soon have to put a stop to this, after all, what good was a hedgehog if he couldn't spike his spines up with Studio-Hog from Lorry-driver Spinespray (sculpt your spines, anyway you like it!). Nigel barged past the Gonad with purpose in his stride and set off to …….
Ponder the meaning of this new twist in the plot. He was proud of the way he could walk nowhere in particular, and still seem to have purpose in his stride. He was fundamentally opposed to 'green' ideas, their supporters should be lobotomised. He believed in market forces, nuclear power, nuclear oblivion and sucking the planet dry. He put himself first, and was only doing this super - hero lark so as to set up his new film to be a blockbuster, this press coverage might not be too bad, as he could prove he was not communist, and not gay ( He had had some candid pictures taken of himself and Nancy for just this eventuality ). The coverage would sell his film, and he could sue 'The Moon' for all the money he could get ! MMMmmmm, he was looking forward to this !
The Saga of Nigel the Hedgehog ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chapter XI ~~~~~~~~~~
Authors: Chapters I - X >
Gary > Aktar > Peter > Chris > Kelvin > Gary > Davet
Nigel walked in the aforementioned purposeful manner towards Ivywood, the place where he'd make his millions. Leaving the action-packed lavatorial scene behind him he strolled along Moonshine Boulevard. After a while the night began to close in and Nigel realised that he had better find a friendly haven for the night. In the distance Nigel spotted a large, lonely sign - "MOTEL", with an arrow pointing towards a large white building. When he reached the sign he saw many small stickers plastered all over it - "WANT A GOOD TIME - 0393322505", "SLIPERY SAUCY SUZY - yours reasonable rates, ask at reception", "Fred's Taxi-cabs - Handy when you're pissed", "Pedro's Taxi-cabs - It's 1p cheaper than Fred's", etc.. As Nigel entered the reception at the motel he noticed that the place definitely lacked style, but Nigel liked its honest qualities - it was very cheap and Nigel was knackered. At the desk were two slumped figures. At first sight they appeared to be male but after close inconspicuous inspection Nigel realised that one was female - she had the word "SUZY" tattooed on her fore-head. My god she was ugly, Nigel thought to himself - but he was desperate …
…For a good Shower, Shit and an even better Shave - the three S's, almost good enough to rival Sleeze, Slags and Sex - but tonight or at least for the moment it just had to be the former three S's. Suzy handed over the key to his room. "Number 27 darlin'", she growled licking her totally unsensual wart infested lips in an almost successful attempt to cover the fact that the dentures she wore were quite obviously someone elses. She screwed up her face and attempted a wink as if to say "your room hunky, 12 midnight", but Nigel had already turned his back and was walking towards his room. He opened the door to his room - SHOCK! HORROR! - it was the pits. Nigel Mansell had just driven in for a tyre change closely followed by Nikki Lauda (I thought he had retired). Nigel shut the door. Oops, it was number 25. He eventually found his bed and after taking everything (including his utility belt) off he lay down on it reflecting on the past, brooding about the future and his goal. The bathoom door was slightly ajar so he piled in and set the bath running. Nigel sank slowly into the warm relaxing water and shut his eyes. There was an wierd PLOP and another and another but Nigel did not notice the spiny jellymorphous 8-tenacled green tits swimming out of the cold water tap and towards his ….
Nigel thought that the plops were due to some baked beans he had eaten earlier (missing from the narrative, in fact he hasn't eaten once and has only just gone to the bog. He must be some sort of super-hedgehog). The green tentacles reached out for his testicles (must be something to do with Fatlegsmason, an attraction to gonads and genetically altered bodily parts are the trade mark of that infamous villan). as the tentacles brushed lightly against nigels sensuous thighs he sighed and uttered "Ahhhh, Nancy." The tentacles moved up and suddenly wrapped tightly around his balls."NANCY!! BE GENTLE WILL YOU!!!". A stiff tug, "ARGGGGGGG!!!!", Nigel eyes flicked open, "OH SHIT!!!!", exclaimed our super-hero, "I've been grabbed by the balls with a green tentacle from a mutated breast." (You can't get much more bloody ridioculous a plot than that, can you?!). Nigels super-brain whent into over drive as he thought of a way out, they flicked around the room looking at: The toilet, no, no good The loo roll, useless The towel, no, hopeless The bathroom cabinet, no, closed The shelf, ah promising, now if I can just reach my utility belt…… Nigel stepped from the bath. Every inch he moved caused his bollocks to be pulled tighter and tighter (I like a bit on tension in the plot) the tits pulled harder in an attempt to ruin our hero's family life. Nigel removed a zippo lighter from his belt, reached his can of spine spray from the bathroom shelf, pointed it at the tentacles and (doing that neat little trick you can do with a zippo lighter, flicking it alight on you thigh) he lit the spine spray to produce a billowing fire ball which he used to burn away all the gelatinous tentacles and associated breasts. As the smoke cleared Nigel said "AH thats saved my bollocks, I've burnt away all the tits, lets have a look at my love-plumbs". Nigel looked down at his precious luggage to see………..
That, although relatively intact, they were blackened and charred. " OH NO ", nigel exclaimed tragically, "even if they work, who can I attract with these ?" ( presumably he had forgotten Suzy ). "OH BUGGER", he shouted in capital letters. At this, a strange happening occured, a certain testicle who was mentioned in the previous paragraph ( unfavourably, court proceedings will follow ), appeared, as if Nigel was the higher power ! He explained to Nigel, "Whenever somebody lights a can of Studio-Hog, with a Zippo lighter, and then says the magic words, 'Oh Bugger', I appear. What is your problem". Nigel tearfully pointed at the aforementioned testicles ( Even super-heroes cry under these circumstances ! ), and Fatlegs smiled, and waved a hand. In a strange fashion nigel's 'love-plums' returned to their natural colouring, and even seemed to expand. Fatleg's explained that this was a natural side effect, due to the magic, and that they were now +1 testicles, looking like love-plums of a particularly good year ! Nigel breathed a sigh of relief as Fatleg's vanished as if summoned by an even higher power ( +2 testicles ? ). The door to his room burst open as …
Dingo Skidneys strolled in, in a conversational manner. "Put your testicles away and look out of the window!", he demanded peremptorily. Then he climbed into the wardrobe with his ubiquitous harem of lusty ewes and slammed the door shut. Nigel sprinted to the window, but in his haste he did not notice that the window was open and he tripped over the sill and fell…
… head-first, plunging towards certain fate. Then … 'clunk, 'click, 'clunk Nigel's gyrocopter-backpack automatically roared reassuringly into action. Nigel levelled out and began to ascend. Then suddenly the 007-like - 70's style copter spluttered … the diesel engine couldn't cope with Nigel's unfeasibly large testicles (Long Live Viz) - the copter wasn't designed for such majestic sex pips. Nigel soared towards the ground. Swift thinking was vital, but Nigel was exhausted. He reached inside his hefty utility belt and pulled out a small, compact, leather-bound book entitled …
'How to fix your gyrocopter-backpack in one easy step'. Nigel, being a total super-hero, didn't need to read it but he placed it in his 'Book-reader' device on his utility belt. Two seconds later, a robot was released from his belt, who then proceeded to fix Nigel's gyro- copter. Saved! As nigel again spiraled back up into the sky, he looked though his window and noticed SUZY looking though all of his stuff. He wondered…was she a detective? was she a spy? or was she just very ugly?