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archive:stories:idi.hum

/ The First Adventures Of IDI / / / / A text file contributed to by / / / / Sir Francis Drake, Tharrys Ridenow, Aiken Drum, / / The Jabberwock, and Dr. Strangelove / / / / Originally appeared on the story board of IDI4153446568 /

  One fine day on a MUNI railcar, something nasty walked out of

a bad end of reality. Several phone phreaks boarded and moved to the back after flashing illegal transfers at the driver, who couldn't tell the difference. Once in the rear, they took out screwdrivers, Swiss Army Knives, and other tools and began to continue their quest of Dismantling. By the time they had arrived at their stop, several of the seats had been removed, the bell rope wasn't working, and the rear driver's compartment had acquired a little black box that sent random signals through the console for the operator. Snickering and chuckling, the phone phreaks stepped off, and headed for another location to dismantle in San Francisco's business district. Arriving at the elevators, the entered and quickly close the doors, installing a switch on the open door wire. they went to the top floor and made the doors stay shut while they removed the paneling, carpeting, both control panels, the buttons therein, the phone's microphone ("naw, let's take the handset!" "no, the whole phone!") - make that the whole phone - the lights, then got to work on the doors. unfortunately, the switch had fallen off and none could find either switch nor wires. It looked like our heroes would be stuck in the elevator unless they could use the full dismantling abilities that they had acquired in their Dismantling in 10 Easy Stages class by mail.

  Quickly, they pried open the emergency exit on the ceiling of

the elevator. With one last twist of the control box wires to cause the main circuit box in the basement to blow a major fuse, they climbed out on top of the entire elevator booth. Then they removed the attachment between the main elevator cabin and the cable responsible for its movement. Suddenly, the elevator began to plummet! But, soon, the Otis clamps went into operation, holding tightly to the walls of the shaft, bringing the elevator to a screeching halt, and causing enough heat to turn on the sprinkler systems on three floors. It was quite a joyride. Of course, using their anarchist ingenuity, our three heroes timed the halt perfectly to coincide with the doors of the next floor down. With a quick twist of the screwdriver, the doors were forced open (permanently) and they were off..down the fire escape and out the back door, turning on the rest of the building's fire alarms. All in all it was quite a successful mission. But then, a burly, blue dressed man stepped in front of our heroes.

Cop:"are you the kids that have been screwing around in here?" Kids:"no habla ingles senor, somos de espana" Cop:"adios"

The phreaks went on, thankful that they stayed awake the day

they learned that useful phrase in spanish class. Their next location: macy's. Yes, it was time to put the song "anarchy in macy's" (by chaotic discord) into action. First, they hooked a sex line into the stores pa system. They then superglued a "shoplift detector" to the exit as the alarm screamed. They then proceeded to enter the bathrooms. The plumbing system being easy to screw up, the phone phreaks quickly found a decent method of raising water level in Macy's. Laughing, they ran out, and proceeded to dismantle the escalators partially. Some rather stupid people just stood there and waited for the escalator to be fixed. Others screamed as the phone phreaks ran up the rails brandishing screwdrivers. Finally, the group of them reached the roof, after dismantling some display cases and convincing the stupid computers for sale to scream "ANARCHY IN MACY'S! HAVE A NICE DAY!", and they stood up in a high wind.

 "Good weather we have here," one of the phreaks commented,

hugging his jeans jacket closer to himself, obscuring his Anarchy T-Shirt.

 "Let's  get out of here," another phreak suggested, this one

dressed in blue jeans, a plaid shirt, and a khaki bush vest covered in pockets bulging with dismantling materials.

  A third phreak dressed in an Indiana Jones type outfit

scratched his moustache, looked around, and discovered the fire escape. "I think we could dismantle that thing and go across to the building across the street with it." he announced.

  "Even better, just disconnect a hinge like THIS--" the first

phreak gestured with his screwdriver "–and we can RIDE it across and down to street level."

  Setting quickly to work,  the group made a slight

modification to the fire escape on Macy's. When it was finished, the entire bunch of phreaks clambered onto the same piece of structure. One screw was removed, and the escape hinged down very nicely to land them on a MUNI bus that was just passing underneath. The Macy's was flooding very satisfactorily. The phreaks then proceeded to the San Francisco (yes, that's where this is taking place) city hall. After painting the lions at the entrance purple polka-dots, they entered. Picking there way into the phone system, they connected every phone line together, letting over 234 people talk to each other in utter confusion.

  The phreak wearing the khaki bush vest led the charge down to

the elevators, scattering mundanes left and right. Quickly hotwiring the thing, the elevator took off at top speed for the level where they would dismantle the mayor's office…. After entering the office, they found (to their horror) that there was not one single computer in the whole place. They had forgotten that the mayor hated them. sheesh! Well, they proceeded to thermite the marble stairs in the middle of city hall. After that they got the bright idea of filling the entire stairwell with all of the office furniture that was sitting around. however, they forgot about the fact that this was exactly 80 years after the earthquake, and one was due in about 20 mins (some friends of theirs had hotwired lawrence livermore, and instead of detecting the earthquake, livermore was about to START one…)

  "We nearly forgot!" cried our phreaky leader, "Come on! We

only have twenty minutes!" The dismantling crew dashed out of city hall, stopping only to attach limpet mines to the Office of Education, and dived out into the street, heading toward the bay. A cabli car soon fell prey to their screwdrivers. Pushing off the Japanese tourists, the phreakers turned the cable car off the tracks and headed it careening down the hill toward the Golden Gate bridge. Arriving there, the Indiana Jones type looked down at his watch (conveniently taken from the electronics department at Macy's).

"We have 10 minutes until the earthquake. If we time it right,

we'll accomplish the greatest dismantling job in history! Carl, you take that cable over there," said the punk.

  The one in the khaki vest shook his head. "No, we will NEVER

get a screwdriver or bolt cutters big enough to kill THIS baby. Besides, we aren't out to hurt people by dumping them into the Bay, we just want to raise Chaos."

  "All right, Carl," the one in the Indiana Jones outfit

replied. The cable car careened down the hill and through the toll gates. As it drew alongside a bus, screwdrivers lashed out and removed a window, through which the phreaks climbed, much to the surprise of the people on board.

  "Attention, earthquake starting in six minutes!" the Indiana

Jones type bellowed. Carl moved to the front and persuaded the driver to forsake his seat in favor of another of the phone phreaks, a rather tall one, thin, with brown hair.

  "I've never driven a bus before, and I'm used to an automatic

transmission," the new driver muttered. Flooring the accelerator, the bus took off for Marin County and a small fort where earthquakes wouldn't reach due to lack of anything to demolish. It would be a great vantage point. Carl fiddled with a few adjustments on his Walkman-like hunk of gear. Strangely enough, his headphones had a small bar leading over to the front of the phreak's mouth, terminating in a piece of black foam. He muttered into this thing, and finally got some results.

 "Four point three earthquake coming!" he called over the

hubbub, as the bus shrieked to a halt and disgorged its passengers in favor of a few technological lunatics. The squeak of a small lamb could be heard over the engine. Carl decided that a bus REALLY wasn't the place to be during an earthquake, and led the exodus out into the middle of the street while things started to shake. Fortunately, no one had left their cars without the emergency brakes on, otherwise there would have been some unusual looking junkheaps everywhere. As it was, the earth shook, the sky looked placid, and someone's new home collapsed due to the fact that it was designed for tectonically stable country.

 "HEY!  That's not fair!" the one in jeans jacket and anarchy

T-shirt remarked. "That house just dismantled itself without our help!"

Then they woke up and realized that they had been abducted by the DOD and were now being held underground…. a mean looking man came in and told them to stand on their tails and beat them when they didn't (hard as they tried!)… but the mean old meany finally left them alone… but didn't realize that each phreak kept a screwdriver in each armpit (uncomfortable but…)… and the hinges were on the inside… They unscrewed the hinges, and then proceeded to connect all 676 water fountains to the toilet outlet.

 "A Swiss Army Knife is one of the most useful tools I can

think of," Carl stated as they crept down a corridor. The phreaks flattened against the wall as they heard voices.

   
 "Look at all this junk!" an incredulous voice spoke.  "These

guys are prepared to dismantle a building and send it crashing down in pieces!" "I know… look at what they had in their pockets.. screwdrivers, communicators, some sort of homebrew explosive if I'm not mistaken.. I think we should send them to Russia and see if they can bring back pieces of the Kremlin."

 The phreaks looked at each other, and, as one, they went to a

fire hose niche in the wall. Silently opening the glass door, Carl took the hose out and snuck over to the door where they heard the voices. At a nod from Carl, the punk rocker turned the hose on.

  "I'VE GOT A 27B/6!" Carl screamed as he leapt into the room

and applied fluid pressure to the faces of the two men discussing the phreaks' gear. Both of them were knocked into the walls as a result of this, and Carl found it hard to control the hose himself. "Shut it off!" he called. The water stopped jetting out of the hose, and the two officials just SAT there, staring, as Carl picked up his vest and a bunch of the gear strewn around the desk.

  Selecting a small box, he opened it and removed two gelatin

capsules. "I KNEW my uncle's LSD pills would come in handy one of these days,though I had intended them for a school water supply," Carl announced as the other phone phreaks walked in and relieved the desk of their gear.

  Carl walked over to the coffee machine, got os the other

phone phreaks walked in and relieved the desk of their gear. Carl walked over to the coffee machine, got out a cup of coffee, went over to the first official, grabbed the sides of the jaw on the pressure points, tossed the capsule and some coffee into his mouth, and sent LSD floating down into one Pentagon official's stomach.

  "Hey, that looks neat, let ME try!" the punk rocker said.  He

followed Carl's example with the other official, and laughed as the guy began to moan about sheep.

  "Well, I've got my duffel, Carl has his vest, everyone else

has their backpacks and stuff?" the punk rocker asked. "Anything missing? Let's go!"

  "Wait," the Indiana Jones type said. "I want to get to a

computer terminal."

  "Hmm, theirs lots of security around that room, here's what

we will do" mused the punk. The phreaks then proceeded to take down the ceiling (it was one of those panels ones) until they found the pa wires. Finding them, they connected them to a microphone and the one in the vest said: "Attention! Your attention please! A bomb has been planted in the computer room pleas evacuate now!" The officials, used to their cozy offices, far from the troubles of the world, quickly ran to the bomb shelter, deep in the core of the hidden Pentagon headquarters.

 Meanwhile, the dismantlers managed to find the exit to the

secret government building. "Gee," said the Indiana Jones type, "we can't ruin all of this suspense." With a nod from the leader, Jones removed several homemade limpet mines from his duffel. He dived back into the underground Pentagon hideout, and proceeded to place them in key support points in the hideout's structure. With the bombs in place, he headed for the exit. Suddenly, he was confronted by a new, high-tech Defense robot. It was heading toward him, and he had no place to turn. And the bombs were due to go off in 3 minutes!

 "Greeting," the Indiana Jones type called.  `I've got to stall

for time,` he thought. `The guys will be in the computer room about now.`

 The robot scanned the Jones type.  It identified it as human,

unidentified, not in uniform, and classified it as an intruder. "Surrender," the robot announced calmly, with a few armaments sticking out of its metal hide. "Or die," it added, wishing that it didn't have all this humanitarian programming and could just kill the commie traitor in front of it.

"I surrender!" the Jones type yelled, tossing a small homemade

grenade straight at the sense cluster of the robot. Quisp, whipped cream, and sticky foam clouded the robot's vision. It immediately began to spin around and waste ammo at the ceiling.

"Sheeeit," the Jones type said, and ran to the computer

room."Guys, we got the mines going off in a few minutes!" he called.

"We've just about got the external access port coded right,"

Carl called. Three printers hummed steadily, and two keyboards clicked at an alarming rate as Carl and the punker moved like four hands and one brain.

"GOT IT!" the punker yelled.  He ripped a piece of printout out

of a printer. "We can access this thing later, with invisible system manager access! Noone will even be able to TELL we're on!"

 "And we can do some funny things to the ARPANET and MILNET

through this, too," Carl added, ripping the last of the printouts off and shutting the thing down. "Let's MOVE!"

 There were no security guards to watch the cameras photograph

phone phreaks dashing out of the Pentagon and into the parking lot.

 "I wonder if Yog Sothoth is really kept there," the Indiana

Jones type wondered. Carl grinned and remembered _The Illuminatus! Trilogy_, and all the fun stuff in there.

 "Here's a van," the ex-bus-driver commented, picking the lock

of the vehicle and hotwiring it easily. "Let's get out of here before she blows." Everyone piled into the van, Carl and the driver in front, the Indiana Jones type and the punker perched at the sunroof and door respectively, and the rest strewn about the vehicle.

  "Gee, has modern armaments, too," Carl noted. "Let's not

shoot anyone, OK?"

  "Awww," the punk sulked.  Rapidly accelerating away, they

realized too late that the gate was guarded but 12 exceedingly nasty looking green berets and2 soldiers. Luckily no-one was wearing the berets, so their mobility was hampered. Carl stopped at the 3 foot thick barrier and the soldier came out of the guard house, gun at ready.

  "What're you kids doing here?" the soldier asked.
   Imagine: in three seconds, all of the below happened:       
   "Uh, looking around" said Carl.
   "Oh, visiting our parents" said the punk.
   "On a field trip" said the guy in khaki.
   "Shh.... national security" someone else said. 
   "Wait, can I see that?" Carl tried again, taking the gun.

"Hmmm…. *nice* spring… I wannit…. and the barrel! great for rockets! mine!" several seconds later he handed the bewildered guard 4 screws (glued together), the trigger, hand grip, and 50 bullets (minus gunpowder). He then snapped a salute.

 "Thank you, sir" said the soldier, the phreaks left. As the

phreaks were in the area they decided, what the hell, lets drop in on the nsa (national security agency). So driving the official IDI-mobile they went. Their first target was the outer perimeter security. Using the electric fence, they hooked up a stereo system putting on some hardcore/speed thrash/skate/punk thereby using up all the fences power and causing the guards & dogs to slam dance together. Then entering, taking a brief time to replace the "keep out" signs with "gay bar" signs, they went into the main entrance. Guard: "what the hell are you kids doing here?" Khaki vest person: "hi-ya! We aren't here! Were invisible ya see." Guard: "oh." And turns away they then proceeded down to corridor to the crypto room. Dismantling the cray ii and replacing it with a trs-80 model 1 gave them some interesting answers. Then onto signal intelligence. Hooking the satellite input to the playboy channel, and then dismantling all computers caused some anguish, but also some perverted happiness. Finally to the heads office! Tying him up, our heros arranged his office into a art exhibit entitled: "kinetic chaos".

  Carl reached into his khaki bush vest and pulled out a piece

of paper, much folded. "Hey, guys, maybe we should enter a few phone numbers into their registry of dangerous criminals.. lessee, Oryan Quest, who else?"

  The punk giggled as he watched the guards and dogs slam

dancing. An indecent number of gays had taken over the commissary, thanks to the GAY BAR signs, but not before the Coke machine had been dragged up to the terminal room where the phreaks were lounging, munching on microwave popcorn, quaffing Classic Coke, and eating various vending-machine foods.

  Carl grinned, typed at a terminal, and found a little

information. "Hey, guys, they have IDI listed as potentially dangerous!"

  "Nuke 'em," the punk advised. 
  "Okay," Carl said, typing a little more, and informing the

NSA that the Stanford ARPANET dialup was a definite threat to national security.

  "Well, we better get going," stated a tall, thin phreak

described as a "football player" to Carl once. "We SHOULD get back to the Bay Area soon…"

 "Why?" asked the driver. 
 "Oh, I left a few things undone."  
 "VERSION FOUR POINT FIVE???"   
 "Point six."  
 "Oh." 
 Reluctantly, the phreaks flooded the NSA, the gay orgy, the

slam dancing guards and dogs, and left the building a bizarre sort of public fountain as they drove off into the sunset, heading for the airport.

 "Don't worry," Carl said.  "We've got some credit cards, we

can get plane tickets back to the Bay Area."

 "What if we take the plane apart midway?" asked the Indiana

Jones type.

IDI4153446568 Press a key…

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