Ashtray and Gherkin
Just to look at this brazen, yet fruity oiled hunk of beef, you'd never guess that he'd been bald, unwanted and held a number of unpopular opinions on mobilisation of NATO forces in the event of James Reyne (1) becoming popular in Albania.
`Yes. It was.. true. There I was… young, wide enough to be a traffic island, yet undeniably starting to resemble popular cue-ball analogies. I looked old… I felt old… and I forget the rest…'
So Rob came to Ashtray and Gherkin, where our trained team of ballet psychologist follicle healers quickly detected the problem: Rob had glued his wig on upside-down.
`I had, in fact, glued my wig on upside-down.'
So, after years of specially focussed research and selling Rob's furniture, we advised him of our special `Weld a Helmet to your Skull' plan.
`It sure worked for me! Now, no-one knows whether I have hair or not, and my helmet stays put whether I am weight-lifting under water, dry-river kayaking or just shaking my head around to stop the medulla to stop from sliding down the one end. And my social life… the only word is wof. Sorry, "wow".'
`It sure is! Even Rob's little haymaker runs at four hundred cycles over recommended voltage with the new Ashtray and Gherkin Helmet Fusion program!'
What was right for Rob may not be right for you, but if you're bald, and thus invariably the last sausage roll on the plate when it comes to choosing up sides for acceptable company, our qualified team of skateboard mechanics will find something to weld to your head as well. Be a talking point at parties! Pick up strange women! Instantly increase your knowledge of mediaeval cricket stats! Why waste time sitting alone in your room? Come hear the music play, come in to Ashtray and Gherkin for an obligation-free blowtorch test graft and soon you, like Rob, can be popular, and heavier from the neck up.
`Helmet Fusion sure worked on moo - on me, and now I pick up shortwave broadcasts.'
Ashtray and Gherkin - the Helmet Fusion Specialists for over one thousand commercials.