GENWiki

                               D A R K
                   Rewritten by The Quantum Mechanic
                            (author unknown)

  For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, 
  recent information has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, 
  they suck dark. Thus we call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker 
  theory proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier that that 
  of light, and that dark is faster than light.  

  The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take 
  for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is much 
  less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark 
  sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking 
  lot have a muck greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all 
  things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they 
  can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark 
  sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white 
  wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, 
  representing all of the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a 
  pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black 
  because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. 
  Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. 
  There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all 
  of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When 
  the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced 
  before the portable dark sucker can operate again.  

  Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass 
  generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. 
  Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel into a solid 
  wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of 
  heat, Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is 
  also heavier than light. If you swim just below the surface of a lake, you 
  see a lot of light. If you slowly swim deeper and deeper, you notice it 
  getting slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately 
  fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark 
  sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. 
  The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We can 
  collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it 
  through turbines, which generates electricity and helps push the dark to 
  the ocean, where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much 
  more difficult to get the dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The 
  Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in 
  a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of dark, they paddled 
  slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark; but when they travelled 
  against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly, so as to help push the 
  dark along its way.  

  Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to 
  stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then 
  slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the 
  closet; but since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark 
  leave the closet.  

  In conclusion, I would like to say that dark suckers make all of our lives 
  much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb, remember that 
  it is indeed a dark sucker.