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I've known how to do that myself since I was 14 years old. The first time I saw it being done was at the local Elks lodge after a stag feed. I don't remember exactly all the rules and such as I have been welded to this computer like a siamese twin for the last two years and don't get out much, but this how I remember it.

First of all I thought it was something only men did at bachelor parties and stag feeds, but today's life is crazy and you seem pretty worldly. I've seen several variations but I'll only go over the basic and professional versions. Since camera's are not allowed at the contests I'll try to explain it in great detail for those who don't know about it.

It can be played in single or in teams relay-style. An indoor basketball court or dance floor makes the best playing surface. The "gear" is placed on the north end of the floor. The contestants strip down to their undershorts with shirts being optional. They line up on the south end of the floor. There are three referees, one on each end and one who runs around the middle. When the south ref blows his whistle, the contestants race to the north end of the floor to don the gear and start the race.

The gear for each contestant consists of a specially modified pair of pantyhose. Instead of the normal two legged style, these have three legs. The first two legs are where you put your feet and legs, and the third leg has a spherical object in the foot. The size of the object or ball as you may call it is optional and usually relates to the ego of the player. I've see them range from golf balls to footballs and basketballs. I think softballs are best though. Anyhow, after you get your hose on, and your extra leg properly positioned, you are ready to start the main part of the race. Each player has a toy truck or automobile on the floor which they must push across the floor to the finish line on the other side using only the ball in the third foot. Once your ball has touched the car you must put your hands on top of your head and are not allowed to take them down until you cross the finish line.

This can be very frustrating, and some contests can last quite a while depending on the skill of the contestants and the slipperiness of the playing surface. Sometimes it is just a simple single trip across or several laps around, just depends on the local rules. I don't remember how the final score is computed, but I do know there are penalties and ways to get extra points or be disqualified.

Extra points are awarded for:

1. Exceeding the recommended heighth and weight for the hose. Unless you

  end up ripping the crotch out in which case you are automatically
  dis-qualified.

2. Being able to stay on a course not wider that 6 feet wide.

Points are deducted for:

1. Getting runs. These are cumulative. The first run costs you 1

  point, the second 2 points, the third 3 points and so on.  Some
  rookies get so excited they get so many runs they loose the game
  before their balls even hit the floor.

2. Slipping and falling down. Same way as the runs, first is 1 point,

  second is 2, and so on.

3. Taking your hands off your head. This costs 5 points the first

  time, 10 the second, 20 the third, and so on.  You can figure on
  totally loosing if it happens more than twice.

4. Getting off course and touching another player. Depends on the

  local rules how much this costs you.

5. Knocking down a ref could get you throw out of the game. The refs

  are easy to spot.  They also wear hose, but each of their legs are
  different colors.  Each ref has one white leg and one black leg.
  The refs are not allowed to have a third leg.  Since they are
  constantly running around at high speed, it would be too dangerous
  to have that thing flailing around.

6. For the relay team version, each team takes turns pushing the car

  each way.  Since the hose have to be put on and taken off at each
  change, timing and preventing runs is critical.  From watching TV, I'd
  say your best bet would be NoNonsense.  Since the players have to
  take the hose off and put them back on several times at high speeds
  accidents are very common.  I remember that at the 1976 regional
  play-off's in Tulsa, Oklahoma, that the champion at that time ended
  up with one leg inside out.  He was severely injured, but the team
  still ended up coming in third.

The professional version is played both with single contestants and relay teams. There are more rules, but the main difference is that the players have to wear at least three inch heels and support hose are not allowed.

I can't hardly believe women would engage in such nonsense, but these are the days of equality. I'd like to come to one of your games and see you play. I'd be cheering for you all the way.

— þ SLMR 1.05 #T250 þ This message will self-destruct in 10 days

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