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Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
Episode 12 - Life, The Net, and Everything Part 2
(Ralph, the 'Video Testament' is just about to explain Life, the Net, and Everything to the crew of the Infinity)
Gillian: Tell us, what does all this neo-Nazi stuff have to do with
the Net.
Arnold Lint:I don't think I want to know.
Martin: Me neither.
Rod: Quiet.
Xaphod: Go on . . .
Ralph: Anyway, Kubla Konthemasus' followers were doing great.
Anything they showed on TV was immediately accepted as
truth. Disco became an overnight sensation, and then was
phased out when the profit wasn't great enough. It was soon
realized that there was a significant group of people in
computer related fields who possessed considerable wealth.
It was also realized that these people were not being taken
in by the video blitz.
Arnold Lint:Good for us!
Martin: Not really, I'm afraid.
Ralph: Very perceptive, robot. Konthemasus' research showed that
hackers do not believe what they see or hear, unless it
comes across a computer terminal. It was fast becoming
apparent that computers would be vital to the power of the
new regime, so it was vital that anyone who worked with
computers could be controlled.
Gillian: Yes, but what does that have to do with the Net? The Net is
an exchange of ideas and ideals between computer
professionals!
(Martin starts coughing sarcastically)
Ralph: Kubla Konthemasus, in a brilliant stroke, figured out a way
to not only carry out an experiment in behavioral psychology
on the computing professionals, but also to put into action
all his findings. He created the Net. You see, there are a
few key links in the Net controlled by his men. At first
they tried a variety of topics and tested reactions. Then
they started trying to bend the opinion of Net-landers.
First by trying to get everyone to like current trends in
music, then by trying to create the impression that North
Dakota does not exist. Anyone who rejected the ideas they
tried to push, and was fool enough to say so, was put onto a
list. This list will be used to purge the society of all
those who would corrupt the purity of essence of
Konthemasus' new order of conformity and religious
fulfillment.
Xaphod: Wow, that's unbelievable.
Rod: Yah, I don't think I do believe it.
Arnold Lint:Me neither . . . An actor in the white house? . . . No
North Dakota? . . . Couldn't happen!
Gillian: I don't know, maybe . . .
Ralph: Well, that's about it. I've got to go, lots to do.
Rod: What could a book have to do?
Ralph: About an ounce of cocaine!
(With that, Ralph vanishes into thin air. The crew of the Infinity is left standing, dumb founded by what they have heard. They start to leave and come to the door. There is a moment of hesitation.)
Gillian: If anyone of you open the door for me, I'll put the boot in.
Arnold Lint:What's with her.
Rod: She's an ERA.
Arnold Lint:A what?
Xaphod: ERA - An Extra Rights Activist.
According to "The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net", the Extra Rights Activists group was started by a group of women who were quite upset by their station in life. They didn't just want equality, they wanted superiority. They figured they could get all the privileges of equality with men, and yet retain all the conveniences regarded them as women. They wanted equal pay for less work, lower taxes for women, shorter work hours. After all, the fairer sex shouldn't have to work so hard, but they do deserve the same pay. They didn't want to join the army though. They felt that in some cases, where it was convenient, men could still have it all. The one thing you could do to make an ERA mad was to hold the door for her. They took it as a sign of harassment . . . no one knows why. Other acts of courtesy were also mistaken as antagonizing the ERA movement. Helping an ERA with her coat was the same as telling her she smelled like bathroom at the National Food Poisoners Convention. Helping an ERA with her chair in a restaurant was tantamount to clubbing her about the head with a moldy Albatros. In response to this threat to male dominated society, the all-male anti-ERA faction MCP (Male Counter-ERA Pact) circulated a pamphlet explaining what a man could do if the woman he was with gave any indications of trying to open the door before he could open it for her. It read as follows:
- * How not to hold the door for an ERA If the woman you are with starts to race for the door so she can open it for herself, and this upsets you, here are a few things you can do to make sure it won't happen again. * Just as she gets up to speed, trip her from behind. * When she has a large enough lead, and has the door open, stop to tie your shoe. * If there is a convenient doorway (like a men's room) nearby, wait until she isn't looking and duck in as she opens the door. * If she is holding the door, take hold of it as you enter the doorway and close it behind. Locking it is a sure-fire clue to her that you are displeased. * If there is a long corridor before the offending door, and she starts to speed up, keep pace with her. When you both hit a dead run, body check her into the wall. A well timed 'Ooops' will make it all look innocent. This is dangerous if you are with a lady roller derby player. * If you really don't care about offending her, give her a quick feel just as she turns away from you to head for the door. Of course, she may never turn her back on you again. Remember, there is nothing wrong with being courteous. But if she won't take it gracefully, make it bloody inconvenient for her to keep doing so. ===================================================================== The ERA movement, surprisingly, took no action against the MCP. Rumor has it that they settled the debate in some non-violent manner. History notes that there followed a sudden increase in the sale of plastic drop clothes and corn oil followed by a sudden increase in births about 9 months later. End Of Part 12 **
Will Arnold Lint hold the door for Gillian? Or will he become a soprano? To find out . . . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.
danielle