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Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
Episode 3 - The Singularans
(Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity are trying to decide what to do now that they are being faced by the deadly Singularans.)
Xaphod: Oh wow, just when we got past the Flamers, we have to run into
the 'Singles'. The Illogical drive won't work this time.
Rod: No, and neither will evasive actions. They all talk that way!
Gillian: What will we do then?
Arnold Lint:I'll tell you . . . we're all going to die.
Xaphod: Shut your cake-hole!
Martin: I tried to tell you this trip would be a real downer, but
would you listen?
Rod: Quiet!
Xaphod: I guess we should see what they want.
(Xaphod switches on the two way video telecommunicator and RadaRange. The face of the Singularan captain appears on the screen. He is a normal human wearing a T-shirt which says: "Have you ever really listened to Manilow?" He is also sporting glow in the dark pants and 10 pounds of silver and gold chains around his neck.)
Singularan: Hey, like I'm Dirk Thawtphull. We were cruising by and saw
your node. Interested in some meaningful relationships, free
from the moral depravity that otherwise infects the net.
Xaphod: Well, I kind of like depravity.
Rod: Yah, me too.
Dirk: Wow, you'd love our S & M encounter group then, fershure!
Arnold Lint:Your what?
Dirk: S & M encounter group. We get together twice a week and
exchange recipes and beatings.
Arnold Lint:How could a group like that command such a strong node?
Xaphod: Well, the sudden popularity of Jogging induced widespread
adoption of the principles of Single-ism. The subsequent rise
of the sport of 'Joggering' reduced the numbers of Singularans
to normal size. It appears that they may be making a come back
though.
[The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" defines 'Joggering' as a sport originated in Australia to combat the sudden drop in productivity caused by having everybody jogging. Australian champion Bruce Karnage describes the sport: "Well, there is a different way of catching both male and female joggers. If it's a male, you flush him out into the open with cigarette smoke, then chase him down in your 4 x 4 Land Rover. When he's tired, bump him with the fender to stun him momentarily. Then get out and with your driver pick him up by all fours and run him head-first into the side of the truck. If it's a female, bait a likely spot with designer jogging wear and then wait for a flock to arrive. When one becomes interested, sneak up behind her, very quietly. Then when you are about two feet away, and you can see the sun dancing on her richly tanned flesh caressing her well toned figure into a visual symphony of delight, split her skull with a handy two-by-four. It's a lovely sport!" The sport later became known as 'Walkmaning'.]
Rod: We were on our way to Netrothea to pick up some … uh …
fuel, yah that's it.
Dirk: Well, we've got plenty of fuel, come on over and we'll let you
have it.
Xaphod: No, it's OK.
Dirk: I insist!
(The Singularan ship lets out a pink and purple polka-dot ray that engulfs the Infinity. Arnold Lint and company find themselves in a room on the Singularan ship. It is decorated right out off the floor of a K-Mart. K-Tel's "Feelings" album is playing "You light up my existence" in the background, on the ceiling is a gigantic mirror, and in one corner is a gigantic mood-bean-bag chair.)
Gillian: How awful!
Martin: Actually, I kind of like it, in a depressing sort of way.
Rod: Quiet.
Arnold Lint:Where are we.
Dirk: You're aboard the Singularan vessel "Sincerity". You will
remain here until you learn to develop meaningful
relationships over the Net. Meaningful relationships based on
honesty, truth, and having nothing to do with physical
appearance. Relationships which will grow as you and your
partner, or partners, share, or don't share, things you have,
or don't have, in common. You will learn how to have every
other sentence include the words 'special' or 'meaningful
relationship'.
Xaphod: If he says "meaningful relationship" once more I'll have to
pray to the porcelain buddha.
Rod: Sickening, isn't it.
Dirk: Right, enough of this. Wait here and we'll start programming
you for meaningful relationships.
(Xaphod bends over a nearby table and vomits, the 12" CRT on his shoulder starts scrolling "Uuuggghhh")
Gillian: What did you mean about "programming" us?
Dirk: We'll have to make you compatible with the environment and
take away all your inhibitions when discussing your personal
life on the Net. You'll be subjected to countless sessions
watching repeats of "The Dating Game", "The Newlywed Game",
and "Celebrity Wife Swapping". And that's only Stage 1!
[The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" points out that the three old earth TV shows just mentioned were actually the basis for a huge inter-conglomerate stock monopolizing scheme started by The Phone Company. The questions asked on these shows were actually coded messages issued by The Phone Company to the conglomerates it was working with. These messages told the associated conglomerates about which stocks to buy based on information gained by The Phone Company by listening in on the phones of important companies. The client corporations paid The Phone Company 1 million dollars for each such message. The seemingly idiotic contestants were, more often than not, government agents trying to break The Phone Company's code. Chuck Barris, the originator of the shows, was later found to be a financial genius, rivaled only by Howard Hughes.]
Rod: We gotta get put of here!
Xaphod: Yah.
Rod: You know what really gets Singularans put off? Rudeness and
crudeness!
Arnold Lint:What?
Rod: Rudeness, if we act real crude and rude, they'll beg us to
leave!
Xaphod: Great, let's try it!
(Dirk returns with three gorgeous women and one well built female model android.)
Rod: (To the first girl) Wow, look at that pair!
Xaphod: (To the second girl) That's a lovely grab!
Rod: (To the third girl) OK love, drop 'em!
Martin: (To the female android) I wave my private parts toward
approximate vector coordinates.
Gillian: (To Dirk) Say Dirk, if you get some Saran-Wrap and chicken
wire, I'll get the honey and the plunger.
Dirk: Get out of here you disgusting filthly maladjusted perverts!
(The three women and one android exit with great haste. The crew of the Infinity is beamed back to their node.)
Dirk: Good riddens. Put on the flip side of "Feelings" and pass the
cheese dip. It's their loss, for only we know what true
meaningful relationships are. Only we know the feeling of
wholeness that comes from showing, or not showing, what one
feels, or doesn't feel, with someone special we care about. We
aren't hung up on physical things, we are spiritualists. At
least, that's what we tell everyone else.
Xaphod: Right, now on to Netrothea, nothing can stop us now.
- * End Of Part 3 **
Will the crew of the Infinity reach Netrothea, or will Nothing stop them? For the answers to this, and other useless questions . . . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.
danielle