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archive:humor:sysman
                  Extract from "The Way It Is" - Warner/Davis

Computer

      The black box that does your work for you.  That's all you need to know

Response Time

      Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in calendar months.
      The general rule is: Shut up your complaining about response time

Hardware

      See "Computer"  Again, not your concern

Software

      If we want you to know, we'll tell you about it; otherwise, leave us
      alone

Network

      Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it.  Use it to send mail among
      your halfwit selves, and don't think we don't read it all.  What do you
      think we do all day?  By the way, Butterman... shame about your mother's
      pancreas

Data The general rule is: Don't use any data files and if you find any,

      delete them before I find out about them.  In fact, just stay off the
      computer  (See "Response Time")

System Crash

      Don't ever call the system manager to tell him you think the computer is
      down.  Don't call him to ask when it will be up again.  The more you 
      bother him, the longer it takes

Downtime

      Like I said, don't ask

Uptime Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face

Overtime

      Don't be ridiculous

Vacation

      A time during which I don't have to put up with your sniveling.  Don't
      try calling, there's no point

Computer Room

      Keep out, you're not invited.  Don't knock on the door - don't even
      think about it.  I broke the phone the last time one of you jerks
      called me, and I'm not about to replace it.  And keep your greasy
      fingers off the windows.

My Office

      The name says it all... it's mine; stay out

Your Problems

      Not my concern

Deadlines

      The general rule is:  Deadlines are not acknowledged by me;  they're not
      my responsibility.  Go tell somebody who cares.

Maintenance

      A.  A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time
      B.  Much more important than anything any of you bozos do
      C.  Anything I choose to call maintenance

Software Upgrades

      Far too complex for you to comprehend.  If I tell you I'm Upgrading the
      System, just be quietly thankful.  It's for your own good, even if it
      does mean extensive downtime during peak hours

Electronic Mail

      I delete it before reading it, so don't bother sending any to me

Defaults

      We like them just the way they are; we chose them for a reason.  Don't
      mess with them, consider them mandatory

Error Messages

      I'm not interested.  I'm going to kill your process anyway, so keep them
      to yourself

Killing your Process

      A.  Don't ever ask why
      B.  Beyond your control
      C.  No warnings given
      D.  The highlight of my day
      E.  If you call it's going to happen.  No exceptions

Passwords

      I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time.  I choose
      them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading yours will be.  (Eg
      BUTTERMAN:  SNOTFACE)

Users A. They slow down the computer

      B.  They waste my time
      C.  A general nuisance
      D.  Worse than that, actually

Software Modifications

      You don't know what you want - we'll tell you what you want.  It stays
      like it is.  Period

Privileges

      I've got them, you don't need them.  Enough said

Priority

      Mine is higher than yours, accept it.  That's the reason my games run
      faster than your lousy accounting package.  (See "Response Time")

Terminals

      Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this:
      A.  Are you prepared to do without one for weeks?
      B.  Do you really want your process killed?
      C.  Did you just trip over the cord again?
      D.  Of course you did

Disk Space

      I set the quotas, you live with them.  If you need more space, check
      "Data Files"

Operator

      I hired him and I trained him.  He does what I tell him to.  Usually
      armed; always dangerous

Backups

      A.  A good idea
      B.  If I gave a sh*t
      C.  Which of course I don't

Lunch

      The only time that calling my office won't result in the killing of your
      process

Data Security

      That's your problem.  I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over it.
      My files are locked up tight.  I feel secure

Jiffy The length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing your

      process

Eternity

      Length of time it takes to give a sh*t about any problem that can't be
      resolved by killing your process

Impossible

      A.  It can't be done (as far as you know)
      B.  I can't be bothered
      C.  You're starting to annoy me

Inevitable

      A. Couldn't have been avoided
      B.  Not my fault (as far as you know)
      C.  The result of annoying me

Menus

      If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it.  It's not available.  If it
      is on the menu, it's probably of no use or it doesn't work.  We're
      working on it.  (See "Eternity")

Utilities

      I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessible.  Besides,
      they're not on your menu, are they?  What did I tell you about that?

Nuisance

      You

Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything from the above list. I'm not asking you to accept these matters without question, I'm telling you

Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future problems. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to keep them to yourself. If you feel the need for more information, I highly recommend that you ask some- one else.

                      Sincerely,
                                      System Manager

P.S. The new disk quota of 30 blocks per user became effective yesterday.

      Anyone caught exceeding the quota will lose their accounts.  (This means
      you Butterman!)

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_ This signature was created using RoboSig, the errorfree sigmaker. Simon Travaglia, spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz, Uni of Waikato, P B, Hamilton, NZ Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and have no bearing his work or employers (but his teddy agrees with him)


The Law of Fashion: The same dress is:

      indecent 10 years before its time
      daring 1 year before its time
      chic in its time
      dowdy 3 years after its time
      hideous 20 years after its time
      amusing 30 years after its time
      romantic 100 years after its time
      beautiful 150 years after its time
                                      -- James Laver
/data/webs/external/dokuwiki/data/pages/archive/humor/sysman.txt · Last modified: 1999/08/01 17:16 by 127.0.0.1

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