GENWiki

		Troubleshooting Your New Stereo
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
			   P. Harris

  Problem                 Probable Cause                Remedy
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Does not work         Power plug in hand            Place plug in socket
						and turn socket on

  Not turned on         Turned off                    Turn on.

  Still does not work   Bought it from Tandy          Take it back and get
						a real stereo.

  Lights up but no      No speakers                   Buy some speakers.
  sound

  Still no sound        Volume set to zero            Set volume to ten.

  Too much sound        Volume set to ten             Set volume to three.

  Raucous hiss          Radio turned on and           Turn radio off, place
		  no aerial                     record on deck, place
						stylus on record.

  Sounds too slow       HMV 78 written on record      Discard record, replace
						with `Hells Bells' by
						ACDC set volume to
						ten, place stylus
						on record.

  Can't hear anything   Gone deaf                     turn stereo off and
						or learn to say `eh?'

  Don't understand      Stupidity                     Turn stereo off, buy
  what all the lights                                 gramophone and retrieve
  are for                                             HMV 78.

  Record a little       Record is a CD                If it cost over 10
  small and hole too                                  pound send it to me
  big for spindle                                     else check for CD player
						on stereo if there is
						one, insert into CD
						player and set volume
						to ten.

  No CD player          Not buying a CD player        Buy a CD player or
						stop buying CDs.

  Too noisy             CD playing and volume         Set volume to three.
		  set to ten

  CDs don't fit in      Haven't got a car CD player   Buy car CD player,
  car stereo                                          place CD in player and
						set volume to ten.

  Car speakers broken   Volume of car CD player       Take CD player back
		  set too high                  to shop - it would
						have been stolen
						anyway!

  CDs don't fit in car  Car stereo only plays tapes   Tape CDs.
  stereo

  Don't understand the  a) Stupid                     Turn stereo off, buy
  automatic sequencing                                gramophone and
  compact disk, magnetic                              retrieve HMV 78.
  media instant audio
  transposition mega    b) Normal                     Nor does anyone else
  wacko editing                                       just do it by hand
  commands                                            like you used to.

  Reel to reel tapes    You're still wearing          Remove flares and
  don't fit in tape     purple flares                 reel to reel tape.
  deck                                                Attatch sign saying
						`Outdated Hippy' to
						forehead, place
						Tchaikovsky's 1812
						overture in CD player
						skip first 6 minutes
						place head between
						speakers and set
						volume to ten.

  Profound deafness     Placing head between          None.
  with persistent       speakers with volume set
  tinilus               to ten whilst listening
		  cannon detonations.

  Other Problems

  Does not show         Not a television              Buy sex pistols album
  Coronation Street                                   place on deck, place
						stylus on record and
						set volume to ten.

  Neighbour beats head  Constant annoyance with       Go to hospital and
  in with a brick       loud music                    learn to eat through
						a straw.

  Stereo not where      Stereo has been stolen        Call Police and or
  you left it           or repossesed by bailiffs     pay Poll tax demand.

  Records, tapes and    Stereo is a microwave         Place egg in microwave
  CDs melt during play,                               rip glass and metal
  only a buzz comes                                   grille from door look
  from stereo                                         inside and turn on.

  Egg on face           Stupidity                     None.

  Stereo not good       Stereo not girlfriend         Unplug girlfriend
  in bed                                              from mains and take
						tape from her lips.
						Plug in Stereo and
						turn on girlfriend.

  Pressing space bar    Bought typewriter             Slam head in fridge
  causes a little                                     door.
  click, but does
  not play recently
  purchased Paul
  Simon album

  Light in fridge       Door not shutting             Slam Harder!
  does not go out       completely