Article 3430 of news.misc:
From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler)
Subject: The Usenet Oracle is now available! Date: 8 Oct 89 00:37:09 GMT
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
How many Mountain Dews will I drink in my life?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, let me put it this way. If we stack all the cans one atop } another, the stack would reach to the Moon and back 36 times! Believe } it or not! You will pass enough sweetly carbonated fluid to fill Hoover } Dam with enough left over for an Olympic-sized swimming pool or two. My } God, Man! Consider your actions! Think about the environment and all } that stuff!
The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
While walking home today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. A block
further, I found a nickel. Another block further, I found a dime. Yet
another block further, I found a Krugerand. Is there any significance
to this?
And in response, thus spake the oracle:
} YOU FASCIST WHITE-SUPREMACIST APARTHEID LOVING RACIST! Put that } Krugerand back, or else go back to South Africa where you belong!!!! If } you can't tell the difference between good ol' Mom's Apple Pie [TM] } Yankee money and racist forgeries, you shouldn't be allowed outside your } playpen. (This is the long answer.) } Short answer: No.
You owe the oracle 3 minutes of life.
The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
Oh, great oracle! What doest thou do with thy newt's eyes?
And in response, thus spake the oracle:
} Everybody! Follow the bouncing ball … } } Oh! A newt's eye is a wonderful thing, } It makes you laugh, it makes you sing, } If you don't like the news I bring, } Better go consult the I Ching.
You owe the oracle 4 years of slavery.
The oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
Why does it seem like everyone else in the whole world is crazy?
And in response, thus spake the oracle:
} The basic axioms here are: } (1) Sane people think that sane people are sane, and that crazy people } are crazy. } (2) Crazy people think that sane people are crazy, and that crazy } people are sane. } And our premise is: } (3) You think that everybody else is crazy. } This leads us inexorably to one of two conclusions. Either } (A) You are sane, everybody else is crazy. Or } (B) You are crazy, everybody else is sane. } To decide between these, we note the empirical observation: } (4) I am sane. } Therefore: you are crazy, everybody else is sane.
You owe the oracle 2 cases of root beer.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
What are those little "crumblies" on the bottom of an English Muffin,
and why the hell are they there in the first place?!?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, I'm glad someone finally asked. Now I get to expose one of the } most diabolical conspiricies of all time! These little "crumblies", as } you so cutely call them, are actually the cocoons of tiny, genetically } engineered parasites that, once you eat enough of them, invade your } brain cells, especially the centers for speech and propriety, and make } you start spelling words with extra letters and driving on the wrong } side of the road.
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
O Mighty Oracle, please do enlighten me …
Three sailors get a hotel room for $30.00. ($10.00 apiece) The hotel
manager makes a mistake and gives them back $5. He sends the bell boy
up to their room with the $5. However, the bellboy is upset that he
didn't get a tip from the sailors, so he keeps $2 for his tip. He gives
the sailors the remaining three dollars. That means that the sailors
only paid $9 apiece for the room, and the bellboy got $2. That only
adds up to be $29. Where did the other dollar go?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It's lodged snugly and quite permanently in Candy's nasal cavity. } } You see, the sailors' call girl used it to snort some coke. In her } enthusiasm, she snorted the bill, too. } } The serial number of the bill is D67039973F. It's an `85 issue out of } Cleveland. } } The sailors missed their ship, and are now serving time in the stockade. } } The hotel manager's incompetance was interpreted as evidence of } embezzlement by upper management. He's currently on the run from the } FBI. } } Candy and the bellboy got together. With his $2 and her, uh, nose for } money, they compounded their assets into a small fortune in the penny } stock market and were last seen on the French Riviera.