Article 307 of eunet.jokes: Path: puukko!santra!tut!enea!mcvax!ukc!warwick!cuddm From: cuddm@daisy.warwick.ac.uk (Dent JP) Newsgroups: eunet.jokes Subject: Some Limericks Message-ID: 548@sol.warwick.ac.uk Date: 1 Jun 88 19:38:06 GMT Reply-To: cuddm@daisy.warwick.ac.uk (Jon Dent) Organization: Computing Services, Warwick University, UK Lines: 331
Well…. Seeing that we're now into bad taste jokes….. Here is my collection….
ok ok ... They are from usr/games/fortune
with the -o option...
A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? I am not I, I'm a tree."
But another, more sane, Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number – give him a call..
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
A pretty young maiden from France Decided she'd "just take a chance."
She let herself go For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
A remarkable race are the Persians; They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
A team playing baseball in Dallas Called the umpire blind out of malice.
While this worthy had fits The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
A wanton young lady from Wimley Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above! I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
A wanton young lady from Wimley Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above! I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
A widow who fancied a man some Was diddled three times in a hansome.
When she clamored for more Her young man became sore
And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
A worried young man from Stamboul Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
An architect fellow named Yoric Could, when feeling euphoric,
Display for selection Three kinds of erection --
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
He hated to mend, so young Ned Called in a cute neighbor instead.
Her husband said, "Vi, When you stitched up his torn fly,
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, Massaging the bust of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth, For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, "My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth Whose virtue was largely a myth,
"Try as hard as I can, I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."
My back aches, my pussy is sore; I simply can't fuck any more;
I'm covered with sweat, And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
There once was a couple named Kelley, Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
There once was a freshman named Lin, Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
A virgin named Joan From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."
There once was a hacker named Ken Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.
There once was a lady from Exeter, So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
There once was a plumber from Leigh, Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing, I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
There once was a queen of Bulgaria Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a prince from Peru Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
There once was a Scot named McAmeter With a tool of prodigious diameter.
It was not the size That cause such surprise;
'Twas his rhythm – iambic pentameter.
There once was a young man named Gene Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
There was a bluestocking in Florence Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
Till a Spanish grandee, Got her off with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
There was a gay countess of Bray, And you may think it odd when I say,
That in spite of high station, Rank and education,
She always spelled cunt with a "k".
There was a young fellow named Bliss Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venus His recalcitrant penis
Would never do better than t
h i s .
There was a young girl from Hong Kong Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell, As a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
There was a young girl named Sapphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin, But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
There was a young girl of Angina Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
From the love-making frock (With the proper sized cock)
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
There was a young girl of Darjeeling Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
There was never a sound For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
There was a young lad name of Durcan Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durcan! Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
There was a young lady from Maine Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view, As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
There was a young lady named Clair Who possessed a magnificent pair;
At least so I thought Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin losing air.
There was a young lady named Hall, Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
There was a young lady named Twiss Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
For it tickled her bum And caused her to come
.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
There was a young lady of Norway Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
She said to her beau "Just look at me Joe
I think I've discovered one more way."
There was a young man from Bel-Aire Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
But the banister broke So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
There was a young man named Crockett Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch, And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
There was a young man of Cape Horn Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn't have been If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
There was a young man of St. John's Who wanted to bugger the swans.
But the loyal hall porter Said, "Pray take my daughter!
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
There was a young whore from kaloo Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
There was an old man of the port Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed, The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
There was an old pirate named Bates Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
………..There will be more on the way soon!!!!!!
JON….. cuddm@uk.ac.warwick.daisy