archive:humor:inlaws1
Liber Call Me AL
vel vel, now.
sub figura skating
"The Book of the In-Laws"
1. Hi! the manipulation of a Nut.
2. Company of heaven exposed; film
at eleven.
3. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry is a
Star. Big Deal.
4. Every number is infinite; fire
thy accountant.
5. I'd like a volunteer from the
audience at this point -- you,
the Warrior Lord of Thebes in
the front row.
6. I've Hadit up to here.
7. Attention K-Mart Shoppers! It
is revealed to !Who*vast? the
minister of Har-Po-Marx.
8. The Khabs is in the Khu, right
next to the peanut butter.
9. Worship thou the Khabs, and the
Khu will take care of itself.
10. Let my servants be few and
secret; they shall have enough
problems without publicity.
11. These are fools that men adore;
for example, Vanna White comes
to mind.
12. Come forth with a fifth and
take thy fill of Old Overcoat;
thou shalt see stars!
13. I am above you and in you. I
am behind you and beside you. I
am hiding behind the curtains.
I know when you are sleeping, I
see when you're awake. I know
if you feel joy or woe so feel
joy for goodness sake.
14. There once was a Goddess, Nuit,
Who dated a God named Hadit.
When Ankh-af-na-khonsu
Saw what they were up to
He shouted "Hail Ra-hoor-khuit!"
15. You may already have won the
priesthood of infinite space, a
Winnebago, all power for your
wife, or one of 663 other
valuable prizes in this Aeon's
Prophecy Clearing House
Giveaway!
16. For he is sunburned, and she is
a lunatic. He plays with
matches, and she wanders around
in the dark.
17. But for you, no such luck.
18. Look out! There's a snake on
your head!
19. Oh, bend over, and I shall
drive thee home!
20. Say the secret word and the
Dove shall drop down.
21. If the God and the Adorer call,
say unto them that I am out of
the office; they shall not see
me. For I and my Lord Hadit
shall be in a meeting verily
until the end of time. My
Prophet shall call their
Prophet.
22. Now, therefore, I have an
unlisted phone number, which
shall be revealed to my prophet
when at last he ceaseth making
obscene calls. I am Infinite
Space, and billions and billions
of stars, yet modesty remains my
best character trait. Let no
difference be made between any
one thing and any other thing;
in this way wilt thou simplify
thine Inventory Control.
23. But whoso maketh sense of all
this, let him explain it to me
as soon as possible.
24. I am a Nut, and my number is
up.
25. Divide, add, multiply, and
extract square roots. There
will be a quiz at the end of the
Aeon.
26. Then saith the Prophet and the
Loss: Where the Hell am I, what
am I on, and where can I get
more? Then she answered him,
her neon-hued body dangling a
wide variety of love beads and
leather thongs, saying: Like,
wow! Everything is everywhere
and real, like, fun, for sure!
Totally!
27. Then the Priest answered and
said unto her, kissing her
lovely brows, running his hand
lightly along her thigh,
nibbling on her earlobes, and
unbuttoning her blouse:
"Uh..right. What was the
question? Mmmph."
28. Two breathed the light, faint
and faery, of the stars, then
asphyxiated.
29. For I am divided by zero for
the chance of confusion.
30. This is the curriculum of Math;
that the pain of long division
is nothing, and the agony of
Calculus, all.
31. Screw you all! I've got mine,
Jack.
32. Obey my prophet! Send $20 in
cash to Me! Make eleven copies
of this Book, placing thy Name
therein, and disperse them to
others as thou wilt. Break not
the Chain, and thy prosperity
shall be without bounds. Would
I lie to you?
33. Then the priest passed out,
muttering: Heard any good
ordeals, rituals, or laws
lately?
34. But she said: The ordeals are
none of thy business; the
rituals shall be half unknown
and half published by Francis
King; the Law I'll give to
anyone willing to haul it away.
35. Surprise! THIS is the Book of
the In-Laws! I'll bet you never
guessed, huh? You probably
thought this was just some
ordinary, run-of-the-mill
prophetic work dictated by a
praeternatural Intelligence.
36. My secretary In-a-Gadda-da-
Vida shall not edit this Book,
howsoever badly it may be
needed. He may comment
thereupon by the wisdom of Pa-
Ra-Keet. Thus shall plausible
deniability be established.
37. Also the Mazdas and the
Celicas, the Oh-Yeahs and the
Cowabungas, the Fafnil and
Zermatroz, the work of the Wand,
the Pantacle, the Dagger, but
not the Cup; these shall ye
teach at weekend seminars.
38. He must teach; but he may make
wild the parties.
39. The word of the In-Laws is
PASADENA.
40. Who calls us Pasadenites will
do no wrong, if he but drives
through the city. For there are
therein Three Grades: the Little
Old Lady, and the Techie and the
Man of Suburbia. Possession
shall be nine tenths of the Law.
41. The Formula of Sin is Opposite
over Hypotenuse. Oh Man,
believe not thy wife when she
says she has a headache! There
must be fifty-six ways to leave
thy Lover! There is no bond
that can unite the divided but
Krazy Glue; accept no
substitutes. Darn them! Darn
them anyway! Ah, heck.
42. Practice bondage in groups;
thou hast the right to remain
silent.
43. Do that, and await to speak
unto thy lawyer.
44. For the word "unassuaged' is
every way mispronounced.
45. After all, nobody's Perfect.
46. The Key to this Law is really
nothing special. 61 the Jews
call it, or 58 wholesale for
family. I call it eight,
twelve, three point one four --
whatever I want to. I am a God,
after all.
47. They have the half, and its the
good half, too. Pull yourself
together, and tell them to get
lost!
48. My Prophet looks out for Number
One, One, One.
49. We regret to announce that all
ordeals, words, and signs have
been canceled due to unstable
theological conditions in the
East. Let Asar be with Isa, as
long as they cause no trouble.
I don't care; it's not my
problem.
50. Here's a tip on how to run this
scam. There are three cons you
can use. The gross shall be
burned, the fine shall be
soaked, and the lofty chosen
ones worked over. Thus ye have
plans and schemes, and nobody
shall know what hit them!
51. There are two doors to one
townhouse; the floor of that
townhouse has not been vacuumed
for months; dirty clothes and
stacks of old newspapers are
there, and the odor of cat food.
Let him enter in turn the two
doors, having given 24 hours
advance notice to the tenants as
required by Law. Will he not
sink? Damn. Aargh! If thy
handyman sink, the dry rot is
worse than I thought. But there
are ways and means. Be goodly
therefore, or betterly if
possible: go to parties; eat
cream puff sundaes, and drink
generic champagne and beers that
foam; play strip poker using a
Tarot deck! But be sure to
invite Me.
52. If the layout be botched; if
thou neglectest thine
proofreading, saying: Who gives
a damn; or saying, Let's order a
pizza; then shall Pa-Ra-Keet
smite thee, and thy pepperoni
shall breed pestilence.
53. Believe me, this will make my
sister feel much better. But
remember, even though you think
you're such hot stuff, it shall
not help thee in Court. Have
fun while you still can; Me too!
Me Too!
54. Thou shalt be graded on
content, spelling and grammar.
55. Thy work shall serve as Papyri
Ani.
56. Expect it not from the East or
West, but watch out for the
South. Argh! All reasonable
offers are accepted, and all
answers correct, save only that
some are stupider than others;
solve the first half of the
equation, get partial credit.
But thou art still wholly in the
dark.
57. Go outside, for God's sake!
Love in the raw, love under
water! But be careful; there
are love and love. There is the
dove, and there is a can of
whipped cream, a great deal of
rope, and a cooperative sheep.
Choose ye well! He, my toady,
has chosen, knowing the House
Rules, which are admittedly
confusing. The galley proofs of
my book look okay, but is not
the Star; I think it's a
squashed bug. Leave it in; it
will keep people guessing.
58. I give unusual; punctuation
while, in life, upon death: full
stops. Not commas, nor do I
demand proofreading 59. My
incense is of Chanel No. 5 and
tapioca; and there are no
preservatives therein, because
the Washington Monument is
exactly 555 feet tall.
60. I can count to 11, more than
most of those who are with us.
The White Five Pointed Star,
with a "T" in the middle, and
the "T" is red. My color is
black and white in the basic
configuration, but red, green
and blue are seen of those who
buy the graphics display
adapter. Also I have a high
resolution option for them who
pay through the nose.
61. But to love me is to know me;
if, under the night stars in the
desert, thou presently freezeth
thy ass off before me, invoking
me out of pure desperation, thou
shalt come a little to lie in a
poorly insulated sleeping bag.
For one bonfire wilt thou be
willing to give all; but whoso
ignites one juniper twig shall
be arrested by Park Rangers
within an hour. Ye shall gather
junk food and suntan oil; ye
shall wear dark glasses, ye
shall wish ye were at the beach.
I charge you earnestly to come
before me carrying a
ridiculously heavy backpack.
Pale or puce, Libertarian or
libertine, I who am without good
taste desire you. Put on the
wings, and you'll look just like
a chicken!
62. Every time I see you I shall
whine "Me too! Me Too!",
reminding thee strongly of thy
little sister, and thy heart
shall burn with annoyance.
63. Sing the rapturous love song to
me, or at least hum a few bars
of "Aleister's Restaurant":
You can do anything thou wilt,
at Aleister's Restaurant;
You can do anything thou wilt,
at Aleister's Restaurant;
Just drop by, we're in Cefalu,
Later on today we'll have a Mass
for Nu;
You can do anything thou wilt,
at Aleister's Restaurant.
64. I am an airhead who uses too
much makeup in the evening.
65. Me Too! Me Too!
66. The Manipulation of a Nut is at
an end. Tune in tomorrow for
more excitement -- same BAPH
time, same BAPH channeling.
/data/webs/external/dokuwiki/data/pages/archive/humor/inlaws1.txt · Last modified: 1999/08/01 17:16 by 127.0.0.1