archive:humor:humatran.jok
From din@bellcore.bellcore.com Wed Jul 4 08:50:03 1990 From: din@bellcore.bellcore.com Subject: Humatrans - A transportation Device for Homo Sapiens Keywords: original, smirk
This is an original article by me and M.S.Moni, my colleague when I was a graduate student in India. I have slightly edited the text, but most of it is intact. Moni is still at IIT and has no objection to the dissemination of this article.
There is some interesting background story, but I will leave it out, unless someone wants to know.
HUMATRANS
(A Transportation Device for Homo Sapiens)
Dinesh Nettar- and M.S.Moni=
Regional Sophisticated Instrumentation Centre,
Indian Institute of Technology,
Madras 600 036, India
Abstract
This device principally operates on the
transmission of mechanical energy delivered
from the payload to circular rotators that
enable positive displacement of the operating
system. The linear motion of the payload
energy source is converted to circular motion
in the device.
1. COMPONENTS AND OPERATION
1.1 FRAMEWORK
The device is built around a triangular framework, to ensure
structural stability[1]. Its tubular construction enables
reduced gravitational load[2] without sacrificing mechanical
integrity. All the remaining components are mounted on this
structure.
1.2 BRANCHED COUPLERS
On this framework, two rotators are mounted through a pair of
branched couplers. The aft coupler is linear, while the forward
coupler is semi-parabolic[3]. Its non-radial orientation ensures
automatic return to default theta setting on normal operating
surfaces. Its non-linearity provides partial attenuation of low
- ————————-
- Present (in 1984) Address: Department of Chemistry, The
Pennsylvania State University, University Park, PA
16802, United States.
= To whom no questions should be addressed.
- 2 -
frequency oscillations. The forward coupler is coincident with
the theta control.
1.3 ROTATORS
Each of the rotators has a cylindrical axial support at which
place the coupler is joined. The grooved peripheral structure is
connected to the axial support by a set of pre-stressed off-
radial connectors. These connectors ensure relatively evenly
distributed load. The peripheral structure carries an annular
cover made of isoprene polymer duly processed with sulfur. The
interstice between the cover and the peripheral structure is
charged with a gaseous mixture of nitrogen, oxygen and other rare
gases[4]. The gas mixture is prevented from leakage by a gas
retainer.
1.4 GROOVED LAMINAS
Semi-circular grooved laminas are mounted in proximity to both
rotators. These prevent a slurry of SiO2, Fe2O3 and H2O from
contaminating the energy source and operator from the operating
surface. These usually terminate in isoprene polymer extenders.
1.5 DECELERATION CONTROL
In operation, the rotators can be rapidly decelerated in the case
of necessity. This is accomplished by depressing either or both
the deceleration control bars on the theta control. These apply
instantaneous large mechanical loads on the rotators by
depressing isoprene polymer pads on the grooved peripheral
devices.
1.6 ENERGY RECEIVERS AND TRANSMITTERS
The aft rotator carries several circular energy receivers. These
receivers have finite discontinuities on their circumference.
The receivers are ordered in increasing radii. Each is
concentric with the aft axial support. A discrete endless
coupled energy transfer device connects any one of these
receivers to one of the two energy transmitters of similar
structure. These energy transmitter devices are mounted at the
lower apex of the main triangular framework. The transmitters
can be set in motion by imparting angular momentum via an
orthogonal radial shaft. This shaft carries a perpendicular
extension. The planarity of the extension is necessitated for
positioning the operator's energy output source. This extension
is pivoted to eliminate torsion of the energy source.
- 3 -
1.7 DECOUPLING MECHANISM
There is an ingeneous decoupling mechanism in the energy transfer
device. While positive angular momenta are transferred from the
energy transmitter to the receiver, the positive angular momenta
of the receiver are not transmitted to the transmitter. This
permits the energy source to be stressless during gravitationally
favorable transportation environments.
1.8 THETA CONTROL
Orientation mobility is ensured by a theta control. This is
connected to the forward rotator coupler. This has a short arm
symmetrically orthogonal to its main axis. It can be used to set
theta from -pi/2 to pi/2 radians continuously and it defaults to
zero on normal operating surfaces. The theta control usually
carries additional controls that select combinations of the
energy transmitters and receivers. These selections enable
nearly continuous variation of angular momentum ratios between
the energy source and the rotators.
1.9 POLYMER BASE
A polymer base is securely mounted at the rear apex of the
triangular framework. This supports the operator during
operation. It is usually buffered by metallic helices[5] to
minimize the transmission of low frequency oscillations from the
operating surface to the operator.
2. ACCESSORIES (Only on some models)
2.1 ENERGY CONVERSION DEVICE
An energy conversion device is used to convert mechanical energy
into electrical energy by electromechanical induction[6]. The
electrical flux generates a stream of photons by resistance[7]
flow through a conductor enclosed in vacuum[8]. The photon
stream enables optical feedback to improve when the ambient
radiation characteristics are below optimum.
2.2 AUDIO-FREQUENCY SYNTHESIZER
An audio-frequency synthesizer for generating approach signals is
used to transmit early warning messages to surrounding areas to
avert a possible momentum transfer.
- 4 -
2.3 EXTRA PAYLOAD SUPPORT
Extra payload can be transported by a support device. This is
mounted vertically above the aft rotator and is connected to the
aft axial coupler.
3. GENERAL REMARKS
The device is ecologically excellent since it is totally non-
contaminating. It is relatively very inexpensive, very easy to
maintain[9] and often portable. Its reduced width requirements
and height make it ideal for almost any kind of operating
surface. It also provides much-needed muscular training to the
users, besides agreeable diversement.
However, it is not self-propelled and so tends to deplete the
energy source during prolonged operations. It is a low-priority
device on most operating surfaces since it does not reach high
linear velocities. Due to its reduced gravitational stability,
the operator must be cautious not to provide a cushion[10] for
the internal combustion driven devices.
It cannot be computerized.
- 5 -
REFERENCES
1. Euclid, Principia Triangularica Stabilica, (Latin
Transl.), 45, 120 (145 B.C.).
2. Newton, I., J. Grav., 1, 1 (1705).
3. The exact equation is beyond the scope of this document.
A detailed explanation can be found in J. Math.
Parabol., -25, 45 (2045).
4. Lavoisier, A-L, Sur la Composition de l'Aire, Paris
Bench Press, Paris, 1781, Chapter 4, pp 104-121.
5. For a description of helices, see Watson, Crick and
Wilkins, Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech, Stockholm, 1962.
6. Faraday, M., Electromagnetic Ind., 4, 1 (1833).
7. Ohm, G.S., Proc. Roy. Soc. Elec. Engg., 222 (1827).
8. Edison, T.A., U.S.Patent No. 413478345 (1883).
9. This is essentially adding a mixture of higher alkanes.
10. Bureau of Statistics, Report on the Number of
Fatalities, Section 8, Table 19, p 153 (1979).
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The recent parable on toasters was in fact a copyrighted piece from Computer Language, and it has been cancelled.
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