I have a little "first aid tips" card. You pull the tab down till the indicator points to an ailment, and the little window displays symptoms and treatment. My roommate Tom Matches got hold of it and modified the treatments somewhat. (The symptoms are what the card actually says):
APPENDICITIS Pain in right lower abdomen. Who cares? It's a
Nausea, possible vomiting vestigial organ anyway.
and fever. Give him an aspirin.
BURNS and Redness, mild swelling, and Peel away dead skin. Rub SCALDS pain. Blisters may develop. vigorously to encourage
good circulation.
CONVULSION Strong, jerking movements; Sit on victim. Laugh at
stiff body. Difficulty him until he gets
breathing. Bluish face. embarrassed and stops.
Eyes rolled back, gritting
of teeth, frothy mouth.
CROUP Noisy, difficult breathing. Stuff a sock in victim's
Hoarse, barking cough. mouth.
CUTS and Cuts bleed and hurt. Call victim a sissy and BRUISES Bruises get red, swollen, and send him back out to
and hurt. play.
DOG BITE Redness, swelling and Scold victim. Shoot dog.
bleeding if skin is broken.
Fear of the dog.
DROWNING Unconscious, pale or blue Talk about what a great
skin. guy he was.
EARACHE Pain. Possible dizziness Listen to one hour of
or discharge from ear. Motley Crue. THEN you'll
Possible fever. know what an earache is.
FAINTING Pale, clammy skin, Before victim revives, take
dizziness, shallow his wallet and clothes and
breathing, sweating and put him on a bus to Toledo.
temporary unconsciousness.
FEVER Body temperature over Administer 4 oz. of 'Old
98.6 degrees F (37 C). Jayhawk' [cheap whiskey]
Hot forehead. every 2 hours.
FROSTBITE Skin flushed, then changing Submerge in boiling water.
to white or greyish yellow.
Blister may appear. Cold
and numb. Pain.
HEAT High temperature. Pale and Lock up victim in walk-in EXHAUSTION clammy skin, or hot and freezer for 1-2 hours.
flushed skin. Headache and
weakness. Possible nausea.
INSECT BITES Pain and redness at the Capture insect and mash to and STINGS site of the sting or bite. paste. Dissolve in one
Possible allergic reactions cup of milk and have victim
such as shock or difficulty drink.
breathing.
NOSEBLEED Profuse bleeding from the Apply tourniquet to
nose. victim's neck.
POISONING Symptoms vary. Throat or Give 1 tbsp lye in ammonia
stomach pains. Mouth burns. solution to flush system.
Vomiting. Drowsiness.
SHOCK Victim pale and weak. Grasp victim firmly by the
Clammy skin, perspiration on shoulders and shake,
upper lip and forehead. shouting, "Snap out of it!"
Pulse rate and breathing
rate are increased.
STROKE Unconscious. Heavy Kiss patient goodbye.
breathing. Apparent It's all over.
weakness in face or limbs on
one side of body. Inability
to speak.
SUNBURN Redness, mild swelling, and Remove reddened skin with
pain. Possible blisters. sandpaper. Soak affected
area in alcohol.
SWALLOWING Dangerous when in air Shout, "Hey, dumbshit, FOREIGN passages. Voilent coughing spit that out! Whatsa BODIES and choking. Bluish facial matter with you!"
discoloration. Breathing
may stop.
TOOTHACHE Pain. Tooth is sensitive Alternate administration of
to hot and cold food and hot coffee and ice cream.
fluids.