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archive:humor:deathhem
                          INTEROFFICE MEMORANDUM
     _________________________________________________________________
     To:       All Personnel         Date:     April 1, 1985
     From:     The Management        Copies:
     Subject:  Standard Procedure on Death of Employee
     It has  been brought  to the  attention of the management of this
     company that  many employees have been dying while on duty for no
     good reason.   Furthermore,  it also  appears that some employees
     are refusing  to fall  over after  they have died.  This, in some
     cases, has  resulted in  unearned overtime payments which are not
     provided for under our employee benefit program.
     Effective immediately, this practice must be discontinued!
     On and  after today,  any employee  found sitting up after he/she
     has died  will be  dropped from  the  payroll  at  once,  without
     further  investigation.    This  action  is  covered  by  Company
     Regulation #20 (non-productive labor).
     When it  can be  proven that  the employee  is being held up by a
     desk, typewriter, drawing board, telephone, or any other means of
     support which  is the  property of  the company,  a one  (1)  day
     period of grace will be granted.
     In the  event of apparent death, the following procedures will be
     strictly adhered to:
     1.   If, after  several hours,  it is noted that any employee has
          not moved  or opened  at least  one eye, the department head
          will investigate.   Because  of the  highly sensitive nature
          and/or origin  of some  employees and  because of  the close
          resemblance between death and their normal working attitude,
          the investigation will be made quietly so as to avoid waking
          the employee  if he/she  is asleep  (which  is,  of  course,
          permitted under present union contracts).
     2.   If some  doubt still  exists as to the true condition of the
          employee, a  pay check  will be  used as the final test.  If
          the employee  fails to reach for the check, it is reasonable
          to assume  that death has occurred.  Note that in some cases
          the  instinct  is  so  strongly  developed  that  a  spastic
          clutching may  occur even  after death;  do not be misled by
          this manifestation.
     3.   In the  event that  an employee  fails to  abandon  whatever
          he/she is  doing at  Coffee Break  time, no investigation is
          necessary as  this is conclusive proof that rigor mortis has
          already set in.

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