How To Be A Couch Potato In The Nineties by Francis U. Kaltenbaugh
Do you want to be with the technically-correct in-crowd, who have already prepared for television in the nineties? You better hurry to obtain a few needed essentials. Your old television, operating in the background, even with its stereo speakers, single remote controlling your vcr, cable box, and TV, is passe. There is a new age dawning in the art of television watching; it is – Interactive Viewing. You too can be a part of this new Couch Potato mentality by following a few simple rules. Do not get left behind! Follow the simple suggestions that follow:
o You must purchase a 35-inch screen television (bare minimum);
bigger is better here. Or your neighbors will tease you, "Nah-na! Mine is bigger than yours." You need: quad stereo speakers, split- screen(s), built-in voice activated VCR programing, self-timers, a minimum of 300 cable ready channels and the largest screen your wallet can handle. Then, with the addition of a CD-ROM, you are ready to interact properly with your computer aided TV.
o Purchase a fully automated satellite dish that includes the
proverbial black-box, which unscrambles virtually all channels. This will dissuade those channel hoppers, who always lay hands on the remote before you do. Since they will have to browse about 300 channels, after their first time through, they will realize – three hours later – they missed the show they intended to watch before the commercials started.
o Have someone install the above. You must realize your time is
too precious to waste on menial labor tasks, when instead, you could be watching/interacting with your TV.
o Test your couch; is it large enough to serve as a bed, and
dining room table, while still allowing room for you, and selected friends and family to lounge comfortably? If not, replace it immediately. You must be comfortable to interact well.
o Stock your refrigerator, freezer, and pantries with easy to
prepare (microwave) and ready-to-eat foods and snacks. The closer your snacks are to the TV/CD-ROM, the more quickly you will be able to interact with your system.
o If you don't have someone to serve you, it may be a good idea
to make arrangements for this contingency. Or be adventurous, do it yourself, but also get a monitor for the kitchen. It's always best to carry your remote with you wherever you go. Don't settle for those puny laser-light activated remotes (line-of-sight only), get one that will penetrate walls. Always be in charge during your interactions.
Just because you are in the third floor bathroom, that's no
reason why you shouldn't be able to continue interacting with that Soap Opera in the downstairs living room – simply crank up the volume to a comfortable sound level for yourself. Besides, while you're gone you don't want someone channel surfing in your absence.
o After all the above steps are completed, get fired from your
job, draw unemployment and food stamps. Then grab snacks and drinks, sit down and RELAX! Enjoy your remote controlled interactive environment. You can really interact now, much like you used to when working, only differently.
Spare no expense and be a part of the new breed of Couch Potato, or "THEY" will pass you by. Or you could really get RADICAL and read Electronic Books and Magazines – I hear it's the rage among all the Nerds.
Francis U. Kaltenbaugh is a 40 something computer enthusiast, who enjoys video stimulations. Two children keep things interesting, one an 18 year-old Marine, and a ten year-old girl, whose only response is, "Why?" Francis, who has two books in progress and articles out everywhere, feels fiction is a mainstay of life – for everyone.
God is Dead. - Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead. - God