Disclaimer (for posting to alt.beer and rec.food.drink.beer):
This is a parody on everybody's favorite post, MAKE.MONEY.FAST. This post is in no way meant to be taken seriously. The author does not advocate participation in the activities described herein and disclaims all responsibility for anything that could possibly get him in trouble.
Most of the names appearing on the list below were in a recent posting of MAKE.MONEY.FAST. If these individuals do in fact exist, and they do not appreciate their names and addresses being here, that's just too bad -- you should have known better.
Dear Friends,
My name is Dave Rhodes. In September 1988 my refrigerator was empty and I was god-awful thirsty. But the only thing I had to quench my thirst was a half-empty can of Meister Brau. The only escape I had from the incredible dryness of my throat was my computer and modem. I longed to turn my avocation into a way of acquiring beer cheaply and easily.
This January 1989 my family and I went on a ten-day drinking spree. I bought a Lincoln Town Car and paid with 1200 cases of Guinness. I am currently building a home on the West Coast of Florida, with a private pool (filled with beer), boat slip, and a beautiful view of the bay from my breakfast room table and patio, all out of emptied beer bottles. I will never have to go to the liquor store again. I have recieved over 400,000 (Four hundred thousand) bottles of beer to date and will have a million within 4 or 5 months. Anyone can do the same. This beer-acquisition program works perfectly every time, 100% of the time. I have NEVER failed to bring in 50,000 bottles of beer or more whenever I wanted. Best of all, you never have to leave home except to go to the mailbox, post office, or the outhouse (recall that phrase about "renting" beer?).
In October 1988, I received a letter in the mail telling me how I could obtain 50,000 bottles of beer or more whenever I wanted. I was naturally very skeptical and threw the letter on the desk next to my computer. It's funny, though, when you are desperate for a drink, faced with an empty fridge, your mind does crazy things. I spent a frustrating day trying to mooch beer off of friends and relatives. The pickings were sparse at best. That night I tried to unwind by booting up my computer and calling several bulletin boards. I read several of the message posts and then glanced at the letter next to the computer. All at once it came to me, I now had the key to my dreams.
I realized that with the power of the computer I could expand and enhance this beer-acquisition formula into the most unbelievable beer-flow generator that has ever been created. I substituted the computer bulletin boards in place of the post office and electronically did by computer what others were doing 100% by mail. Now only a few letters are mailed manually. Most of the hard work is speedily downloaded to other bulletin boards throughout the world. If you believe that someday you deserve that large closet, nay, that garage and extra outdoor storage shed full of beer that you have waited for all your life, simply follow the easy instructions below. Your thirst will be quenched.
Sincerely yours,
Dave Rhodes
INSTRUCTIONS
Follow these instructions EXACTLY, and in 20 to 60 days you will have received well over 50,000 bottles of beer, all yours. This program has remained successful because of the honesty and integrity of the participants. Please continue its success by carefully adhering to the instructions.
Welcome to the world of beer distributing! This little business is a little different than most beer distributors. You are not in the business of supplying beer to dealers, but of sending out free samples of beer to potential consumers. Many people are more than happy to receive your free samples of beer.
1) Immediately mail one bottle of beer to the first 5 (five) names listed below starting at number 1 through number 5. Send high-quality beers only (those going for $8-10/6-pack, total investment $20.00 max with postage). Enclose a note with each package stating: "Please try this free sample with my compliments. If you find that you enjoy it, look for it next time in your local liquor store or call the brewery for the dealer nearest you." For other countries, try to send high-quality domestic beers so that others may sample a wide range of beers other than those available at home. Note that purchasing a full 6-pack results in one beer left over for you.-)
(This is a legitimate service, and you are providing the free sample for each of these individuals.)
2) Remove the name that appears number 1 on the list. Move the other 9 names up one position. (Number 2 will become number 1 and number 3 will become number 2, etc.) Place your name, address, and zip code in the number 10 position. With this action you are effectively saying, "Yes, I am interested in receiving free samples of the beers you have to offer."
3) Post the new letter with your name in the number 10 position into 10 (ten) separate bulletin boards in the message base or to the file section, call the file, GET.DRUNK.CHEAP.
4) Within 60 days you will receive over 50,000 bottles of beer. Keep a copy of this file for yourself so that you can use it again and again whenever you need beer. As soon as you mail out these letters you become just another consumer and other beer "distributors" will begin sending you "free trial samples". The list of people to whom you send beer possibly may then be used to obtain advertising money from breweries for income on a regular basis. This is a service. This is perfectly legal. If you have any doubts, refer to Title 18, Sec. 1302 Paragraph 5, Sub-paragraph iii, Sentence 2, Words 5-7 of the beer distributorship laws (quoted: "… it is legal …"). In addition, newly emptied bottles may be recycled or sold to homebrewers, providing guaranteed regular income as a side effect of the program.
Note: Make sure you retain EVERY name and address you send beer to, either on computer or hard copy. This is PROOF that you are truly a beer distributor and should the IRS or some other government agency, the breweries, your family, or the drunken bum down the street question you, you can provide them with this proof! Also, keep the notes received with each bottle of beer in order to prove that they were in fact free samples shipped to you by distributors.
Remember, as each post is downloaded and the instructions carefully followed, five members will be sent a bottle of beer as a "free trial sample." Your name will move up the list geometrically so that when your name reaches the number 5 position, you will be receiving thousands of bottles of beer.
1. Steven J. Cambria
203 Oakvale Blvd. Kenmore, NY 14223
2. Fredick Dihlman
Box 388 St. Bonaventure Univ. St. Bonaventure, NY 14778
3. Dennis Le
8142 19th Street Westminster, CA 92683
4. Toni Mason
2405A Landmark Raleigh, NC 27607
5. Kalen Schulteis
Box 1622 5500 Wabash Ave. Terre Haute, IN 47803
6. Anthony M. Mazzola III
C.P.U. 171 300 Grace Watson Circle Rochester, NY 14623
7. Brian Lipman
1820 Chicago #3002 Evanston, IL 60201
8. Hong Yang
99 S. Rock Hampton Dr. Madison, AL 35758
9.Paul DeFranco
222 Melwood Ave. APT. 406 Pittsburgh, PA 15213
10.Tipsy Guzzler
123 4th street Belch, XX 56789
The following letters were written by participating members in this program.
To Whom It May Concern:
About six months ago I received the enclosed post in letter form. I ignored it. I received about five more of the same letters within the next two weeks. I ignored them also. Of course, I was tempted to follow through and dreamed of receiving thousands of beers, but I was convinced it was just another gimmick and could not possibly work. I was wrong! About three weeks later I saw this same letter posted on a local bulletin board in Montreal. I liked the idea of giving it a try with my computer. I didn't expect much because, I figured, if other people were as skeptical as I, they wouldn't be too quick to part with five bottles of beer. But, I am reduced to buying Old Style one can at a time and have nothing to show for it but empty cans and beer stains on the carpet. This week I decided to risk delaying rent payment for a couple of weeks in order to take advantage of this tremendous opportunity. I addressed the packages and mailed out one bottle in each as directed. Two weeks went by and I rolled around and I couldn't believe what happened! I can't say I received 50,000 bottles of beer but it was definitely well over 35,000! For the first time in ten years, I got WAAAAY drunk off my ass on really good beer! It was great. Of course, it didn't take me long to drink all of the beer, so I am using this excellent beer-acquisition opportunity once again. Follow the instructions and get ready to drink!
Please send a copy of this note along with the enclosed letter so together we can convince people who are skeptical that it really works!
Good Luck,
Charles Kust
St. Agathe, Que.
Another letter:
I tried a similar program in which a 6-pack was sent to each person. In that on the return was about 3%. Since I did not have a modem, I sent out letters regular mail. I created a few mailing labels and printed out all of the labels on pressure sensitive tape. The first mailing that I used the one-bottle-per-person approach I started to get return packages in just over one week! I sent out 200 letters instead of 100 that is required if you use the mail instead of the bulletin boards. Additionally, I included as many friends, relatives, classmates, that I could think of in order to encourage their participation if they happened to recognize my name, so my percentage of gain was higher. I am trying again with 500 letters to see if I surpass the 141,000 bottles of the last time. You just won't believe it until you try.
Best Wishes,
Mark Garner
Dallas, TX
Additional Notes:
This system works equally well if mailed out manually. Mind you it takes more effort to hand address the envelopes and the cost goes up proportionately to cover the postage and envelopes. You must also photocopy the instructions, cross out the name in the number 1 position, write in your name in the number 10 slot and change the rest of the numbers accordingly. (It might be neater to use white out or paste over the names.) In order to achieve the same results you must send out the bottle of beer to the first five names and then send out another 100 letters with copies of the program enclosed. It has been suggested not to put a return address on the outside of the envelope in order to encourage the recipient to open it. The return will approximate that then received from the posts listed on the bulletin boards.
Another note:
Hello, my name is Steve Prester. As you may have noticed I'm the tenth name on this list, so I do not have a thirsty-to-drunken story to tell here. However, I did make a phone call to the 2nd name on this list, Ernest Goyette. Did he have a thirsty-to-drunken story to tell? Not exactly, but then I found out that he did not follow the instructions precisely. You see, Ernest lost faith in the program before he had finished following instructions. He only uploaded this file on one BBS, which happens to be operated by Darryl McGinnis, the 3rd name on this list. Ernest told me that he has received 92 beers to date (1/6/90). I realize this is far from the 50,000 promised at the first of this file, yet one must keep two things in mind:
1. 92 bottles is almost 20 times his initial investment, and it only took about an hour of his time (there's nothing to lose).
2. This program works mathematically on an exponential scale. In other words, for every one BBS that this file is uploaded onto, it should spread to at least ten other BBSs and possibly a whole lot more. So, if Ernest had uploaded his file on all ten BBSs, he should have at least gotten a hundred-fold of what he has, which would be 9,200 bottles. Not bad for a few hours work and a $20 investment (including postage).
Finally, I would like to exhort those who become involved in this program to maintain its integrity by being honest. It is the only way that it can possibly pay off. In other words, be sure to enter your name at the bottom of the list and not in one of the top 5 positions (actually this would be robbing yourself since it is while your name is in the lower positions that it gets multiplied exponentially over hundreds of BBSs). And, of course, send your bottles of beer off to the first five names. As I write this I have not received a drop (that's because I have not uploaded this yet), but I thought you might like to hear from someone at the bottom of the list, instead of someone claiming thirsty-to-drunkenness. I hope such is true, and I'm sure it will be if we all stick with it. The potential is definitely there!
P.S. Call me if you get drunk.
* Jon E. King (jking@peabody.eece.unm.edu) * "Daytime TV is the museum * * Dept. of Electrical & Computer Engineering * of modern American * * University of New Mexico * societal decay." * * Albuquerque, NM 87131 * – Rush Limbaugh *