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[ The National Enlightener. Vol: ][! ]

The issue everyone has been waiting for is now on your computer screen! (or piece of printout paper).

In this action packed ELITE issue, we bring you: ELITE.Interviews!!!!!!!!!!!!

With mega-elite special guests! Just read on.


(Mega-Elite Interviews, will be given in the time honored tradition of. ME: AN:, as set down in the ELITE.Interview rules of The Infiltraitor.)


Speaking of The Infiltraitor….. (Drum roll please) (thanks). here he is! The master of the hidden walkman, The elite audiophile, the writer of 800 sector text files, Mr. "ME: AN:" Infiltraitor!

ME: It's so good of you to take time

  out of your busy typing schedule to
  show up for this interview.

AN: (fidgeting with hidden walkman). My

  pleasure, really it is. Glad to be 
  here.

ME: Good, good. Now the question on the

  minds of our readers is: What do 
  you do when you aren't typing up 
  conversations you had with ELITE!
  people?

AN: Well I like to relax by cleaning

  my walkman and counting my tape
  collection. It's hard on the fingers
  writing up huge text files you know.

ME: Actually, I don't know. Our's are

  always short. But nevermind that,
  what we really want to know, is
  the answer to that nagging question
  we have all been asking: WHY!??!?!?

AN: It had to be done you know. There is

  no accurate journalism being done
  now. Besides, it plastered my name
  on every board in North America. I
  get cool access everywhere, you 
  might even say I'm ELITE! now. But
  don't quote me on that.

ME: We wouldn't do that… Well we

  really must be moving along now,
  we don't even have a word processor
  that could fit a 200 sector file
  into memory!

AN: Well don't worry, ELITEWRITER will

  be out soon. Then you can write 
  like I do. Trample the most stupid
  and trivial points into the dust,
  have 8 hour conversationa with
  people you catch on your way out
  of the bathroom, use lots of verbs,
  adjectives, even make up things at
  random just to fill space!

ME: Sounds elite to us. Well drop in

  when you finish part II.

AN: What part II?

ME: In the file you said you were doing

  part II.

AN: Oh yes that. Well it's progressed

  beyond that. So far it's 25 disk
  sides long, hopefully I will finish
  the next 75 sides this month, and
  come out with the ELITE.CD-ROM!!!!!
  With it you can look up any elite
  person since the dawn of time, and
  find out everything they ever said
  in their lives. Totally elite huh?

ME: {Impressed. Emulating Inf's curly

  cew's in deference to his obviously
  ELITE idea.} That sounds awesome, 
  keep us posted!

AN: You bet, gotta go now, things to be

  typed up you know.

ME: We understand.

AN: Bye

ME: Bye!


Next up, is that master of english, the undisputed king of b942'ers (sorry Gadget Master, He's been doing it for years, while you are new on the ware mutilation scene), that prophet of where the computer industry is headed, the master programmer himself, The "Buy an Amiga before Commodore goes out of business" Atom!!!!!@!@#!@!1!@11!!!!!

ME: So good of you to show up!

AN: Yah, I knaw it is. My Tame is vary

  taght raght naw.

{Conversions from the letter "a" to what really belongs there, are courtesy of out proofreading dept.}

ME: Innovative spelling style you got

  there Atom.

AN: You trying to make fun of me? you

  fucking Apple using moe.

ME: Perish the thought Atom. We wouldnt

  do that to you.

AN: Good, now what you want, I have to

  hurry home and get Stickybear AMiga
  coloring disks 1-96.

ME: Ok, we understand. What we really

  wanted to ask you is, when you're
  not calling every board in the 
  world and ragging on anyone who
  owns any computer other then a
  Amiga, what do you do with your
  time? We've  had promises of
  Thieves Guild ][, for years now,
  you said you were doing a marble
  madness adoption for the Apple,
  and 500 other sundry things. So
  what are you really doing now?

AN: Fuck you moe, It's not that I'm not

  a great programmer, but it's the 
  Apple's fault, I gave it a chance, &
  it didn't confer the secrets of 
  decent programming onto me overnight
  so fucking fuck it. The Amiga rules,
  do you understand me moe? it fucking
  rules the world, it rox layk an ox,
  its cool beyond words, it, it...it,
  has PICTURES!@#!!@!@#@#@112!@!@!!1!

ME: Yes we underst…

AN: No you don't! it has awesome pix &

  games and god it's great. God i'm
  great. 5ive staR will reunite to
  rock the AMiga world to it's found-
  ations!

ME: Oh no..

AN: Was that a insult you fucking moe?

  Don't fuck with me Crapple user.

ME: No, we wouldn't do that.

AN: Good you moe. And about thieves

  guild ][. it rox all over proving
  grounds, it is the best program 
  written since I did Disk Rigger &
  Disk-Fer ///.

ME: ….. ah yes… it sounds just

  awesome... will this one have lots
  of spinning cursors too?

AN: FUck yes, it has a 196 phaze cursor

  and upside-down flashing backspace
  trik text m0d!

ME: Sounds great. Tell us, will there

  be a 1986 lozerlist? Or was there
  a 1985 lozerlist that we missed?

AN: Fuck you you fucking m0e kn0b fuck

  stick. That's 0ne eyes fault, it
  wasn't supposed to be given out.
  It's not my fault!

ME: {Bowing down and recognizing the

  Atom's ELITE COMMANDMENTS quote.}
  Well, so why did you write it?

AN: Because it was the ELITE thing to

  do fuckstick.

ME: Any comments on the un-elite

  behavior of 0ne eye?

AN: What you fucking kn0b? he's elite,

  he's never done anything unelite in
  his life.

ME: Well we were reffering to him

  knocking up some girl, dropping
  out of high school, and having
  a job as a bellboy.

AN: Fuck you, lies all lies, it's not

  his fault that he's too dumb to use
  birth control. I told him girls had
  cooties, but he just wouldn't 
  listen to me. Look where it got him.
  But he's still elite!!@#!@11@!@2!!!

ME: Well thank you for your time, any

  departing comments?

AN: Yah, be looking forward to the 1986

  userlist, which will be done as soon
  as a word processor comes out for 
  the AMiga. 

ME: It doesn't have a wor…

AN: Shut up kn0b, it rules, games are

  more important. Now go away, I
  have things to do.

ME: Thanks for your time. Bye bye

AN: Fuck off kn0b.


That faithfull readers wraps up our elite.(elite.journalist).interviews.

Be looking forward to our next issue, coming to something near you soon!

Excerpts from issue ]I[:


Actual un-retouched quotes of the elites! Look and Learn!:

The (414 (innovative name)) Wizard and his Cryt0n login system!

See Broadway Hacker ask stupid questions!

See Mr. Xerox say everyone in the world but him and his co-god lord digital, suck!

See Zero Page rag on all the new pirates and every member of LOD to boot!

See The Tempest agree with him!

See King Blotto rag on everything!

See Mr. Krac-Man tell everyone to fuck off!

See The Chief Surgeon Ragging on Apple Bandit!

all this and much much more! the first portion will be COMPLETELY UNTOUCHED posts of the mentioned people. So they can speak for themselves. Following that will be our witty commentary & exclusive (ELITE) Phreak <> Pirate counterparts! mix & match personalities of ELITE pirates & phreaks!@#!@#11@@!!2

Plus a EXCLUSIVE! Personality Analysis of the ELITES! answering the question: "Why are you elite?" once and for all!!

Don't miss it!!@#!@#121@!@!@@!!!!!!!!!!


"I'm can't be wrong, I'm Elite" (C) The National Enlightener. If it's not NE, then it's not elite!


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