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                      A MANLY WAGER
                       By Lucillus
                Dedicated to testosterone

               There was a pair of warriors
               Who thought they were so cool
            BBBain and Magnus were their names
               The king and prince of fools.
                Now as to which is greater
                  Come listen to my tale
              And I will tell you of the time
               These mighty warriors failed.
              Late one night a bet they made 
                    A very manly boast
              So many maidens each could bed
                But who could get the most?
             And so they set out for to prove
                 Who was the biggest prick
            And just how stupid they could act
                   And get away with it.

                  Bain and Magnus wanted 
                 To show who was the best
                And each man was determined
                  To win this manly test
                 By fair means and by foul
                Many maidens they would lay
               Then prove it all by boasting
                   In a very manly way.

                  Bain went into town now
                  And found a likely inn
             He was sure the maids would swoon
                 As soon as they saw him.
            He preened and pranced and pampered
                  To show his better side
                And practiced his sincerity
                 To hide the fact he lied.
             And sure enough the spell he wove
                 Had all the ladies there
               Dying for the chance to run 
              Their fingers through his hair.
             "Please, ladies, take a number!"
               Pretty Bain he then did say,
            "For I will serve you all upstairs,
                 Until the break of day."

              So Bain thinks he's a stud now
                   And many maids agree
                He cares not for discretion
                In fact, he charged a fee.
             All the ladies they were waiting
                 To take their turn in bed
                Then boast to one another:
              "I'm his only love", they said.

But Magnus thinks he's clever

                   Of that he is so sure
              He followed Bain to see how he
                Would all the ladies lure.
                He saw a lady that he knew
                Whose jealous husband cruel
            Would kill to keep his lovely wife
                 As a miser keeps a jewel.
             So straight away he went to tell
                 This jealous hulking man
             Of just what Bain was going to do
             And his wife's part in the plan.
           And so, he thought, he could be sure
                  To win their manly bet
                 This surely was as clever
                   As any man could get!

                   Now Magnus he is lazy
                   As if you didn't know
               He thought he had it made now
                And wished to see the show.
                So he went into the tavern
                   And waited for to see
                  A very jealous husband
                And his victim soon-to-be.

                Upstairs Bain was grooming
                  He made the ladies wait
            While Magnus tried his best to hide
                And leave Bain to his fate.
                 Soon the jealous husband
                 Had gathered to his side
             As many friends as he could find
                To help him take his bride.
                  But Magnus was impatient
                And quite horny now as well
            So he slipped out through the back
                To stables by their smell.
              He was sure that he could ream 
                  Some very lonely horse
            Then be back inside in time to see
               Bain thrashed by manly force.

               But even for old Magnus     
              Things sometimes work out well
             For Bain chose for his first lay
               The faithless wife from hell.
              She could not wait for foreplay
                 But jumped upon his steed
               And started quick to ride him
                 To service her deep need.

               I know now what you're thinking
                   How typical it seems
              For Bain to end up with a maid
                While Magnus a horse reams.
                But justice it soon entered
                   Into this merry tune
             The husband and his many friends
               Had come, and none too soon.
             Up the stairs they charged as one
                And burst into the room   
           Then looked Bain, and saw right there
                  His own impending doom.
                  And naked as a jaybird
                 He took his only chance:
               Went leaping out the window 
                  Without even his pants.

               Now Bain had not yet finished
                   His very manly chore
              His manhood still was rigid    
                  And hard now to ignore.
              But his luck did not desert him
                 For below him now he saw
              A thatched roof coming quickly
             Made of soft and yielding straw.

                 And Magnus in the stables
                 Had found a horse to pork
              Was pounding deep into her tail
                 And leaned into his work.
             When crashing through the rooftop
              Came Bain with his stiff spear
            And found poor Magnus most exposed
                  And fell into his rear.
             A mighty squeal of pain and glee
                Was heard for miles around
              And far away some pigs got hard
               Just thinking of that sound.
                 And so we have a sandwich
                  Of two men and a horse
                 It's hard now to imagine
             How things could turn out worse.

             And Bain, who was stuck deep now
                   Was trying to escape
                 But Magnus had recovered
               And started screaming "Rape!"
               Out came the jealous husband
              Who could not believe his eyes
              Followed closely by the ladies
               Who laughed until they cried.

Now if a man were able

                   To die of shame alone
                Then surely now our heroes
               Would be deader than a stone.
                But alas, in their position
                An embarrassment from hell
             They could not defend themselves
              And their fate I now will tell.
               They were taken to the woods 
                 And then tied upside down
        Their clothes were burned before their eyes
                And all went back to town.
                You think the story's over
             But there's one more thing to see
                   Who had won the wager
             And the greatest prick would be.

                For as they were a-hanging
                    An argument ensued
                Bain said: "I'm the winner,
               And still the coolest dude."
                  But Magnus he retorted:
                "At least I finished mine,
               So shut up, Bain, you loser,
                I hate it when you whine."

                   Shindar Drinking Song

              Last night I went out drinking,
                 And I met a lively crew,
               So we wandered off together,
                  To hoist an ale or two.

               We came upon a little place,
             Where the ladies were most fair,
                  And so we all decided,
                That we should tarry there.

                Oh we're bold and handsome
                         bastards,
                 'Til the morning anyway,
              When the rising sun will smite
                         our eyes,
                And make us curse the day.

               The lasses they all love us,
                For as long as we can pay,
                But when our coin runs out,
               They will send us on our way.

                So we'll hoist another ale,
               And we'll sing another song,
             And we'll crawl from bar to bar,
               Until the coming of the dawn.

             Behind the bar, with golden hair,
               There stood a beautious lass,
             With ruby lips and eyes of blue,
                 And this exquisite nose.

              Well Maddog was a foolish lad,
              Whose moods did not soon pass,
              He lept across that little bar,
               And tried to pinch her nose.

                         (Chorus)
           We grabbed young Maddog by the cloak,
                 And everything was fine,
              Until the lass's lad showed up,
                  With a friend or nine.

            I will not bore you with the tale,
             Suffice to say we had them beat,
            And then the city watch showed up,
                To make the night complete.

                         (Chorus)

             Now Fezzik he was not to bright,
             He'd smashed a guardsman's head,
           So the Magistrate said take him out,
               And hang him 'til he's dead.

                      The lass that Maddog tried to pinch,
                  Appealed to the bench,
             And this morning, I've been told,
               He got married to the wench!

                         (Chorus)

              His honor looked me in the eye,
               And said: "What should I do?"
            So I looked right back at him said,
               "Let's hoist an ale or two."

               So off we wandered into town,
              With a guard or two he'd brung,
             Along the way there was a brawl,
             And come the morning he was hung!

                      (Final Chorus)

                   Jester of the Shindar
                           1992