GENWiki

                     The Hedgehog Song, v1.5

1. ———————-

      Reconstructed by Matthew Crosby and alt.fan.pratchett

           from the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett

1. —-

          Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do

          But I have to say this as a warning to you:

          With almost all animals, you can have ball

          But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

  CHORUS 1:   The spines on his back are too sharp for a man

              They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can

              The result I think you'll find will appall:

              The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

          Mounting a horse can often be fun

          An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton

          Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)

          But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

  CHORUS 2:   The spines on his back are so awful thick

              you'll end up with naught but a painful prick.

              He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,

              Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

          Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo

          Will be entertaining to both her and you

          Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall

          But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

              CHORUS 1

          A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet

          And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet

          Even a giraffe (despite being so tall)

          But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

              CHORUS 2

          You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill

          It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill

          You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl

          But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

              CHORUS 1

          You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night

          With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite

          We already mentioned the horse, you may recall

          But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

              CHORUS 2

          You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell

          Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell

          A troll can be rocky if down you should fall  

          But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

              CHORUS 1

          For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter

          Or pego a pig after parting his trotters

          Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall

          But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

              CHORUS 2

          For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur

          To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer

          The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call

          But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

              CHORUS 1

          Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat

          Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat

          Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all

          But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

              CHORUS 2

          A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing

          Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,

          Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)

          But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

              CHORUS 1        

          You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb,

          Or pork a few piglets if you have the time,

          A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl,

          But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

1. ————————————————-

  This is the alt.fan.pratchett version of the Hedgehog Song. The

  original version was thought up by Matthew Crosby, and has since

  then been streamlined and expanded by readers of the newsgroup.

  If you have any suggestions for improvements or additional verses,

  please feel free to post them to alt.fan.pratchett, or mail them

  to Matthew Crosby (crosby@cs.colorado.edu) or Leo Breebaart

  (leo@cp.tn.tudelft.nl).

  Note from Matthew: "BTW, I know the giraffe verse in the book is

  `if you stand on a stool', but this doesn't really rhyme. I've

  tried to insert all the other scraps Pterry has given us... if I

  missed any, let me know."

.