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"The New Kids and Why We Hate Them."

      This  is  an  essay  demoting  the  promotion  of  The  Kids tapes,
  clothing, posters, and other assorted useless articles. Upon  analyzing
  the  fans  of the kids, we discovered they need help. We feel that they
  look to this group due to a lack of parental concern and  attention  in
  their  family life. This would explaing why these sorry souls must seek
  outside attention  and  comfort  from  alumni  of  local  colleges  and
  universities. The five people in this so-called musical group represent
  a family. We have come to realize that they received their name because
  their parents would not allow them to leave the block. This is just one
  example  of  the  family  atmosphere of the group, and it is because of
  this atmosphere that so many troubled people turn to them  after  being
  rejected by their family.
      We  fail  to  see how people can actually enjoy their concerts when
  they get over at 9:30 so they  can  be  home  by  their  bedtime.  What
  really  gets  us  is  that it takes five to do the job of one. It would
  also seem that on some occasions they  wear  briefs  that  are  several
  sizes  too  small,  this  would  explain  why their voices are so high.
      Although we are putting down the little brats  we  can't  help  but
  feel  sorry  for  them.  I mean, how's this for embarassment: A girl is
  putting the play on you at a concert, but what can  you  do  when  your
  mother  is  backstage  because  it's  her  turn  to  chaperone tonight?
      Another  question of interest is how can anyone can idolize a group
  that has a milk break during the middle of their  concert  and  naptime
  before  their  last  song?
      This  was going to be the part where we slam the way they pose, but
  we concluded the class could make up their own mind on that point.   So
  at  this  point  we  would  like  to  focus  on  the effects of the New
  Children's music on their loyal fans.  After  exhaustive  research,  we
  have been able to compile the following table:
             Effects of New Children on the Block on Listeners
                     93% -- View Saturday cartoons
                     67% -- View cartoons after school
                     34% -- Can name all of Santa's reindeer
                     21% -- Can name three or more of the Shirt Tails
      Even  Bryant  Gumbel,  after  only  one meeting with the group, was
  reported to whistle the theme song to the Smurfs, but this has not been
  WARNING:  After  extensive  research,  we  have  found  that  all   New
  Children's  albums  contain  subliminal  messages ordering you to drink
      Many people have several misconceptions about  the  New  Children's
  group.  One  of  the most common is that they're rich because they have
  chauffers when actually it's because they can't drive yet.  Another  is
  their clothing. It looks like it's an expensive style of their own when
  in  all  actuality, they just can't afford clothes without any holes in
  them on their allowance.
      Parents  think  these  little  boys  are excellent examples for the
  youth of this country because they  don't  do  drugs  or  alcohol.  The
  actual truth is that they don't even know what these things are yet. We
  have  also  discovered  an  astonishing  lack  of  even  the most basic
  knowledge in the most important  of  all  fields.  World  History.
      For  example,  when  we asked them who Caesar was, three thought he
  was the owner of the Little Caesar's Pizza  chain  and  the  other  two
  thought he held the patent to Caesar's salad.  Next we asked them about
  the  Inquisition.   They thought it was the question and answer page in
  The National Enquirer. At this point, we wanted to get away from  these
  kid asked for a closing statement. This is a direct quote.
      "We are glad we hit stardom and make lots of money. That got us out
  of  poverty.  Now  if  we can only get out puberty."
      Although we cannot explain why the Brats got so famous, we do  feel
  it  might have been because Joe has his picture on the Gerber baby food
      In  closing  we would like to stress the importance of defacing any
  and all New Kids' products and encourage the  idolizing  of  any  other


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