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            OR SMALL DOGS!
                          -transcribed by Ioseph of Locksley
                           All lyrics Public Domain/ NO copyright!
  • THE BASTARD KING OF ENGLAND -attributed to Rudyard Kipling, but probably not! Oh the mistrels sing of an English King of many long years ago who ruled his Land with an iron hand tho his morals were weak and low his only outer garment was a dirty yellow shirt with which he served to hide his hide, but he couldn't hide the dirt He was dirty, and lousy, and full of fleas but a Royal Tool hung to his knees God bless the Bastard King of England! Now the Queen of Spain was an amourous Jane, a lascivious wench was she who heard about the prowess of this King from over the sea so she sent a Royal Message by a Royal Messenger to ask the King of England to spend the night with her He was dirty and lousy and full of fleas but he kept his women by twos and threes…. God Bless the Bastard King of England! When Philip of France heard of this chance, he swore before his Court "The Queen prefers my rival just because mine's…somewhat short." So he sent the Count of Zippety-Zap to give to the Queen a Dose of Clap to pass it on to the Bastard King of England! When the King of England heard the news, he cursed the Gallic farce and he up and swore by the Royal Whore he'd have the Frenchman's arse So he offered half his Kingdom, and a piece of Queen Hortense To any Royal Subject who'd undo the King of France So the brave young Duke of Buckingham went instantly to France He swore he was a fruitier; the King took down his pants. So in front of the throng he slipped on a thong and jumped on his horse and he galloped along dragging the Frenchman back to Merrie England! When the King of England saw the sight he fainted dead on the floor, for during the ride his rival's hide had stretched…a yard…or more! and all the girls of England came down to London Town and shouted round the battlements "To hell with the British Crown!" So Philip of France usurped the Throne his scepter was his Royal Bone with which he bitched the Bastard King of England! *
                       THE SQUIRE'S SONG
                      -note: not for the weak-kneed!
              Don't laugh when you see a Duke walk by
              For you may be the next to die!
              To fight with him is suicide
              Especially if you "rhino-hide!"
              As on the field your helm caves in;
              His sword is buried down to your chin!
              They'll take you out to the family plot
              And there you'll wither, decay, and rot!
              They'll take you out, and lower you down,
              And men with shovels will gather 'round!
              They wrap you up in a big white sheet
              And bury you under about six feet!
              And all goes well for about a week
              And then the coffin begins to leak!
              The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,
              The worms hold revels upon your snout!
              They call their friends, and their buddies, too,
              They'll make a terrible mess of you!
              Your body turns a slimey green
              And pus runs out like whipping cream!
              Your hair turns white, your skin turns blue
              You don't look like you used to do!
              Your eyes fall in, your teeth fall out,
              Your liver turns to sauerkraut!
              And great big bugs with eyes of green
              Crawl in your liver and out your spleen!
              You become a thing that's very rare
              A smell worse than your underwear!
              So don't laugh when you see a Duke walk by
              For you may be the next to die!
  • ONE-BALL RILEY -Traditional Irish As I was sittin by the fire talking to O'Riley's daughter suddenly a thought came into my head: I'd like to shag O'Riley's daughter (Chorus): Giddy aye ay, giddy aye ay, giddy aye ay for the one-ball Riley Giddy aye ay: (three claps or stomps) try it on yer own big drum! Riley played on the big bass drum; Riley had a mind for murder and slaughter Riley had a bright red glitterin eye and he kept that eye on his lovely daughter Got me a bottle and a condom too, got me hands on Riley's daughter settled me down for a good old time doin things we shouldn't oughter Suddenly a footstep on the stair who should it be but Riley out for slaughter with two pistols in his hands lookin for the man that shagged his daughter Grabbed Old Riley by the ball, rammed his head in a pail of water shoved them pistols up his ass a damn sight quicker than I shagged his daughter! As I go walkin' down the street People shout from every corner There's the randy sonofabitch That finally shagged Old Riley's daughter! THE COUNTESS' GARTER -Anonymous -tune: Cornell's Alma Mater (& only sing it when you KNOW your listeners!) High above a Countess' garter, high above her knee Lies the key to her successes: her virginity! Once she had it, now she's lost it It is gone for good! She goes down for belted fighters Like a Countess should! Lift her skirts, Oh lift them gently, Lay her on the grass! Often are the times I've dreamed of A piece of Countess' ass! TAIL TODDLE -Traditional Scots recorded by the Mitchell Trio Our guidwife held o'er to Fife For tae buy a coal-riddle Lang or she cam back agin Tammie gart my tail toddle! (Chorus): Tail toddle, tail toddle Tammie gars my tail toddle But an' ben we diddle-doddle Tammie gars my tail toddle! Wen I'm deid I'm out o'date Wen I'm seik I'm fu' o'trouble Wen I'm weel I stap about An' Tammie gars my tail toddle! Jenny Jack she gae'd a plack Helen Wallace gae'd a bottle Quo' the bride "It's o'er little For tae mend a broken dottle!" TRIMARIAN SHEEP SONG -Anonymous Tune: Scotland the Brave Bring me some whiskey, mother I'm feeling frisky, mother I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night! I need a lover, mother No, not my brother, mother I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night! Gerbils don't make it, mother They just can't take it, mother I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night! Owls, bats and other critters Just tend to give me jitters I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night! (bridge) Sheep never talk about it They never ever doubt it Always so placid, affectionate and nice! Give me that lanolin Better than flannel-in I need a sheep to keep me warm through the night! * * THE GOOD SHIP VENUS -Anonymous It was on the good ship Venus My God, you should have seen us! The figurehead was a whore in bed, And the mast, an upright penis! The Captain of this lugger He was a dirty bugger! He wasn't fit to shovel shit From one place to another! The Mate's name it was Andy By God, he had a dandy! Till they crushed his cock with a jagged rock For coming in the brandy! The cabin boy, the cabin boy, The dirty little nipper; He filled his ass with broken glass, And circumcised the Skipper! The Captain's daughter, Mable, Was ready, willing and able, To fornicate with the second mate Upon the chartroom table! The Captain's daughter, Mary, Had never lost her cherry, The men grew bold, and offered gold: Now there's no Virgin Mary! The Captain's other daughter Fell in the deep sea water Delighted squeals revealed that eels Had found her sexual quarter! Aboard the good ship Venus We sailors all were henious: It was our fate to masturbate And that develops meanness! One day the good ship foundered On crags our bags were pound(er)ed We stubbed our cocks against the rocks, And then, we all were drownd(er)ed! IN DAYS OF OLD -Anonymous & Ioseph of Locksley -tune: "The Girl I left Behind Me" In days of old, when knights were bold, And rubbers weren't invented; They used old socks To cover up their jocks And babies were prevented! But now we're in the SCA And we always get our fill, sir! For the boys take matters firm in hand And the girls are on the Pill, sir! In days of old, when knights were bold, And women weren't particular They lined them up Against the wall And diddled 'em perpendicular! But now we're in the SCA And any old way is fine, sir! So choose your lass and go to town, As long as she's not mine, sir! In days of old, when knights were bold And paper not invented They wiped their ass With tufts of grass And, thereby, were contented! But now we're in the SCA And a public park's a gas, sir! For a toilet seat is very neat When you have to park your ass, sir! Last night I slept in a hollow log With the girl I love beside me; Tonight I sleep in a feather bed And she's right there beside me She jumped in bed and covered up her head And said I couldn't find her But she knew damn well she lied like hell So I jumped in bed beside her! I diddled her once, I diddled her twice, I diddled her once too often….. I broke a spring, or some damn thing I diddled her to her coffin…… (shouted:) DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! DAMN! *
  • ABDUL EL BULBUL, EMIR! -Anonymous In the harems of Egypt it's good to behold The fairest of harlots appear, But the fairest, a Greek Was owned by a sheik Named Abdul el Bulbul Emir! A traveling brothel came into the town Run by a pimp from afar Whose great reputation Had traveled the nation: 'Twas Ivan Skidavitsky Skavar! Abdul the Bulbul arrived with his bride A prize whose eyes shone like a star He claimed he could prong More cunts with his dong Than Ivan Skidavitsky Skavar! A day was arranged for the spectacle great; A visit was planned by the Czar! And the curbs were all lined With harlots reclined In honour of Ivan Skavar! They met on the track with their tools hanging slack Dressed only in shoes and a leer, Both were fast on the rise but folks gasped at the size Of Abdul el Bulbul Emir! The cunts were all shorn, and no rubbers adorned The prongs of the pimp and the peer, But the pimp's steady stroke Soon left without hope The chance of the Bulbul Emir! They worked thru the night til the dawn's early light The clamor was heard from afar The multitudes came To applaud the ball game Of Abdul and Ivan Skavar! When Ivan had finished, he turned to the Greek, And laughed when she shivered in fear She swallowed his pride, He buggered the bride Of Abdul el Bulbul, Emir! When Ivan was done, and was wiping his gun, He bent down to polish his gear; He felt, up his ass, A hard pecker pass; 'Twas Abdul el Bulbul, Emir! * more * Abdul el Bulbul, Emir (cont.) The crowd loudly howled that it was a foul, They were ordered to part, by the Czar, But fast they were jammed; The pecker was crammed In Ivan Skidavitsky Skavar! Now, the cream of the joke, when apart they were broke, Was laughed at for years by the Czar: For Abdul the Bulbul Left most of his tool In Ivan Skidavitsky Skavar! The fair Grecian maiden a sad vigil keeps With a husband whose tastes have turned queer… She longs for the dong That once did belong To Abdul el Bulbul, Emir! *
                          VIRGIN STURGEON
                          -tune: "Ruben, Ruben"

Caviar comes from virgin sturgeon The oyster's a prolific bivalve Virgin sturgeon's a mighty fine fish Keeps its' innards in its' shell, Virgin sturgeon needs no urgin' How they diddle is a riddle, That's why caviar is my dish! But they do, so wotthehell!

Shad roe comes from scarlet shad fish The trout is just a little salmon, Shad fish have a very sad fate: Just half-grown, and minus scales, Pregnant shad fish is a sad fish But the trout, just like the salmon Got that way without a mate! Can't get on without his tail!

Mrs. Clam is optimistic Give a thought to the happy codfish Shoots her eggs out in the sea Always there when duty calls, Hopes her suitor is a shooter Female cod fish is an odd fish Hits the selfsame spot as she! From her come your cod fish balls!

The green sea-turtle's mate is happy A lucky fish is the common starfish With her lover's winning ways When for offspring they essay; First he grips her with his flipper Yes, me hearties, they have parties Then they flip for days and days! In the good old fashioned way!

I fed caviar to my Lady I fed caviar to my grandpa She was a virgin tried and true He was a man of ninety-three Now that virgin needs no urgin' Shouts and screams were heard from Now there's nothin' she won't do! grandma

                                        As he chased her up a tree!

I fed caviar to my rooster Every living thing will do it I fed caviar to my cow, Without making lots of fuss Now the barnyard sure looks funny: When they do it, they don't rue it, All the cows have feathers now! So my darlin', why not us?

  • *
                      SEVEN NIGHTS DRUNK
                              -From the singing of Seamus McCafferty
      When I came home on Monday night, as drunk as drunk could be
      Saw a hat on the hat-rack, where my old hat should be
      So I said to my wife, (audience shouts: HEY WIFE!)
      Now Honey, explain this thing to me
      What's this hat doin' on the hat-rack, where my old hat should be?
              Oh, you're drunk, you drunk, you silly old fool,
              Can't you plainly see?
              It's nothin' but a chamber-pot my mother give to me
              I've traveled this world o'er, a million miles or more
              But a 6 and 7/8ths chamber pot I've never seen before!
      When I came home on Tuesday night......etc.
      Saw a horse in the stable......etc.
              ...It's nothing but a milk-cow...
              ...But a milk-cow with a saddle on....etc.
      When I came home on Wednesday night.....etc.
      I saw some pants upon the chair, where my pants ought to be..etc.
              ...It's nothing but a bedquilt that my mother gave to me!
              ...But a zipper on a bedquilt I've never seen before!
      When I came home on Thursday night......etc.
      There in the parlor were some boots.......etc.
              ...It's nothing but a geranium-pot...etc.
              ...But a geranium-pot with laces on....etc.
      When I came home on Friday night......etc.
      Saw a head on the pillow......etc.
              ...It's nothing but a cabbage...etc.
              ...but a mustache on a cabbage...etc.
      When I came home on Saturday night....etc.
      Saw a rise beneath the sheets.....etc.
              ...It's nothing but a shillaghlegh...etc.
              ...But a shillaghlegh with ballocks on....etc.
      When I came home on Sunday night...etc.
      I saw a man sneakin' out my door, a little after three!
              ...It's an English tax-collector....etc.
              ...But an Englishman that can last till three....etc.
  • *
                       THE SEXUAL LIFE OF THE CAMEL 
              The sexual life of the Camel
              Is stranger than anyone thinks
              One night in a moment of passion
              He tried to deflower the Sphinx!
              Now, the Sphinx's posterior anatomy
              Is covered with sand from the Nile.
              That accounts for the hump in the Camel,
              And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile!
              Exhaustive experimentation
              By Darwin, and Huxley and Hall
              Has proved that the ass of a hedgehog
              Can hardly be buggered at all!
              The Baron, he rides on a warhorse,
              With a fancy great helluva rig,
              He doesn't get there any faster,
              But it makes the old bastard feel big!
              The King, he sleeps in a feather bed
              The Knights all sleep in their sacks;
              As a means of self-preservation,
              The squires all sleep on their backs!
              And here's to the girls of (insert name)
              And here's to the alleys they roam,
              And here's to their dirty-faced bastards,
              God bless 'em, they may be your own!
              My father makes illegal whiskey,
              My mother makes illegal gin,
              My sister runs guns for the Dark Horde:
              My God, how the money rolls in!
              My brother's a poor missionary
              He saves little girlies from Sin!
              He'll save you a blonde for five dollars...
              My God, how the money rolls in!
              And here's to the Outlands' new Navy!
              Let's all give them three cheers!
              The first submarine made of adobe....
              It's been down for thirty-two years!
              So here's to the War at Estrella
              Where all of us landed in gaol,
              And here's to the (insert name) maidens,
              Who gave us our first piece of tail!
  • * OLD DRUBBED DING -Anonymous -tune "Old Used Queen" Once I was a swyver of the finest kind, a ruler of the bed But now I spend my days as an old used thing and I find I'm rubbed too red! With a hey-ho derry up and down I sing, never any fun for an old drubbed ding! My owner spends his time in solemn prayer, and dreams of naked flesh I spend MY time in clothbound walls getting slapped when we`re too fresh With a hey-ho derry up and down I sing, never some relief for an old drubbed ding! The other men they sit and talk of baring, thrust and fling But when I come out the wenches flee, and won't give me a thing With a hey-ho derry up and down I sing, never any girls for an old drubbed ding! The other ones can rise and dive and frolic near the ass I'm the Model of Priapus, I'm hard as hell, but must not make a pass! With a hey-ho derry up and down I sing never any fun for an old drubbed ding! But someday soon there'll be a change, in Martin Luther's "rise," And the Reformation's opening "shot" will land between his eyes! With a Hey-ho derry up and down WE'LL sing, Then there will be FUN for an old drubbed ding! **

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