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025/068 25 Jan 92 21:37:40 From: Joel Polowin To: All Subj: Fifty ways… Attr:

In a message of <24 Jan 92> on the SF echo, David Dyer-Bennet writes to Rosemary Ighel:

DD> John M. Ford did a Star Trek [choose-your-adventure book] DD> commonly referred to as "50 ways to kill an ensign". I think DD> that's the one published under "J. Michael Dodge".

Oh. My. Has this been filked before? If not…

Fifty Ways to Kill an Ensign

The problem is something 'bout your clothes, she said to me The red shirt and the stripeless sleeves yell, "I'm Security!" And when you get down planet-side with Kirk, you'll get to see There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign

He takes a landing party down to find what's going on A couple of the bridge crew, and some extras come along And then before you know it - the `expendables' are gone There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign Fifty ways to kill an ensign

 Just step on a rock, Jock
 Get thorns from some plants, Lance
 A Horta can spray, Ray
 Just listen to me
 Clouds drink up your blood, Bud
 Computers can kill, Bill
 You could lose all your salt, Walt
 Kirk gets away free...

She said it grieves me so to see you with such nerves Not ev'ryone along with Kirk will suffer from this curse But then of course, you must recall - they sometimes suffer WORSE! There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign

Just tell him, "I'm not stupid and I'm not expendable I'm not going!" Tell him he's a Denebian slime devil And he's overbearing, swaggering, and dictatorial He'll find a new way to kill an ensign Fifty-one ways to kill an ensign

— GoldED 2.31 * Origin: Muppet Labs, Where the Future Is Being Made Today! (1:249/106.4)

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