From: glazier@isr.harvard.edu (Andrew Baker Glazier) Date: 22 Jan 93 21:13:39 GMT Newsgroups: alt.quotations Subject: Norm (Cheers) Quotes List
\LISTS\NORMISMS
Here is a list I came across a while back. Enjoy the timeless wisdom of Norm.
The Normisms file, Version 1.3.
Maintained by rjc@math.princeton.edu (Raymond Chen). Please do not distributed modified versions of this file. This header may not be deleted.
In chronological order:
The Coach's Daughter:
Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
Any Friend of Diane's:
Coach: How's life treating you, Norm? Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
Friends, Romans, and Accountants:
Coach: How's life, Norm? Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
Truce or Consequences:
Coach: How's it going, Norm? Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
Coach Returns to Action:
Sam: What's up, Norm? Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
Endless Slumper:
Coach: What's the story, Norm? Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One:
Sam: What's new, Norm? Norm: Most of my wife.
Now Pitching, Sam Malone
Coach: Beer, Norm? Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
Let Me Count the Ways:
Coach: What's doing, Norm? Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig.
No Help Wanted:
Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
Coach: How about a beer, Norm? Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
Fortune and Men's Weights:
Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm? Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
Coach: What's up, Norm? Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
Snow Job:
Coach: What's shaking, Norm? Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
Coach: Beer, Normie?
Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
Eh, why not, I'm still young.
Norman's Conquest:
[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.] Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera? Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2):
Coach: What's up, Normie? Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
Diane Meets Mom:
Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie? Norm: Going down?
[Norm returns from the hospital.] Coach: What's up, Norm? Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
Peterson Crusoe:
[Norm comes in, depressed. He just stands by the door with a sullen face.] Norm: [mutters] Afternoon, everybody. All: Norm? (Norman?)
The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter:
Sam: What's new, Normie?
Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
They're demanding beer.
King of the Hill:
Coach: What'll it be, Normie? Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
The Mail Goes to Jail:
Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie? Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
Behind Every Great Man:
Sam: What'd you like, Normie? Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
Norm: Afternoon, everybody. All: Norm! Cliff: Afternoon, everybody. All: [silence]
The Executive's Executioner:
Sam: What will you have, Norm? Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap. Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm. Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
Birth, Death, Love and Rice:
Sam: What do you say, Norm? Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
Woody Goes Belly Up:
Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie? Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
Diane's Nightmare:
Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody. All: Norm! (Norman.) Sam: Still pouring, Norm? Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday:
Sam: What's the good word, Norm? Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer... Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah... Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
Love Thy Neighbor:
Sam: Whaddya say, Norm? Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
From Beer to Eternity:
[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama] Off-screen crowd: Norm! Sam: How the hell do they know him here? Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
The Bar Stoolie:
Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
The Triangle:
Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Elope with my wife.
[Norm is angry.] Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
Take My Shirt… Please?
Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
The Peterson Principle:
Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
Diane Chambers Day:
Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie? Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
Strange Bedfellows, Part 1:
Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson? Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
Strange Bedfellows, Part 2:
Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson? Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
Eh, make that one-thirty.
Strange Bedfellows, Part 3:
Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Poor. Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
The Proposal:
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story? Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another
beer.
Tan 'n Wash:
Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you? Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
Norm: Hey, everybody.
All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich]
Norm: [carries on both sides of the conversation himself]
Norm! (Norman.)
How are you feeling today, Norm?
Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
Knights of the Scimitar:
Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
Film at eleven.
Chambers vs. Malone:
Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
Norm's Last Hurrah:
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one? Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that swallowed the canary. Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
Home is the Sailor: [the bar is completely different, since Sam went sailing around the world and sold the bar]
Norm: Afternoon, everybody. Woody: Norm! [nobody else in the bar says anything] Norm: That was it, Woody. Last chance. I'm out of here.
Norm: [comes in, pretending to be Joe Average customer,
as part of operation Wayne Down the Dwain]
This looks like a nice, friendly tavern. What the
heck, I think I'll give it a chance.
Customer: Norm!
Norm: Not now, you idiot!
Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2:
Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson? Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
Paint Your Office:
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Let's talk about what's going <in> Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
A Kiss is Still a Kiss:
Sam: How's life treating you? Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
Let Sleeping Drakes Lie:
Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson? Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody? Woody: For a beer? Norm: No, for stupid questions.
Airport V:
Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
Let's just cut to the happy ending.
One Happy Chappy in a Snappy Serape, Part 2:
Pepe: [something in Spanish]
Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back:
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for
you.
Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
Don't Paint Your Chickens:
Sam: Beer, Norm? Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
Call Me, Irresponsible:
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
The Two Faces of Norm:
[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.] Norm: Afternoon, everybody! All: Anton!
Two Girls for Every Boyd:
Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder?
Ah, just kidding. Gimme a beer; I think I'll just
drown the little suckers.
Feeble Attraction:
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose? Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh:
Sam: What are you up to Norm? Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
Loverboyd:
Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson. Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going <down> Mr. Peterson.'
Sam: What do you know there, Norm? Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm? Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
Breaking In Is Hard to Do:
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up? Norm: The warranty on my liver.
[Norm returns from another trip to plug the parking meter] Sam: What'll you have this time, Norm? Norm: A cow if I have to climb those stairs one more time.
[The Cranes are concerned that Frederick has yet to say his first word.] Norm: Afternoon, everybody. Frederick: Norm! Lilith: He said Mommy!
Bad Neighbor Sam:
[The bar clientele has turned yuppie.] Bradley: Ciao, gang! All: Bradley!
Veggie-Boyd:
Sam: What can I do for you, Norm? Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
It's a Wonderful Wife:
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
The Norm Who Came to Dinner:
Sam: [answers the phone] Cheers! ... [to gang] Hey guys,
it's Norm.
[holds up the receiver]
All: Norm!
Sam: [to phone] Hey, what's shakin' man? [chuckles]
[to gang] Where does he come up with these things?
Where Have All the Floorboards Gone:
Sam: What's going on, Normie? Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll blow out my liver.
Head Over Hill:
Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
Found him every couple of blocks.
—
Not yet categorized:
"How about a beer, Norm?" "That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"
– "A horse! A horse! Somebody give me a horse, man, because|glazier@ I come to bury this dirtball, not to praise him. Whaddya |harvard.isr.edu think I am? Whether it's nobler for the mind to make people suffer with all these totally outrageous arrows arrows for a fortune, or what!" – D.R.