///////////////////////////////////// / ! THE COMPLETE ESSENTIAL ! / / ! ! / / ! STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO ! / / ! ! / / ! THE MASS PRODUCTION OF: ! / / ! ! / / ! MODERN (G)HORROR MOVIES ! / / / / (C) '88 HELLRAISER & VISION (NFL) / / / / Call Borington's BEST... / / / / >CAMP BLOOD< 416-332-4803 / / 300/1200 BPS / / 24 Hours/day / / 07 days/week / / >1 MEG u/d's / /////////////////////////////////////
This guide has been compiled for all
you sicko's out there, of which we ourselves are not exempt, who thrive on the element of horror. (In other words, the concept of people getting systematically gored, mutilated, mangled, bludgeoned, and so on…)
The production of such films has been developed to an art in that there is
an obvious unwritten guideline that most follow. This file changes that so that U2 (you too) and any other fool off the street could design his or her own (for you libbers out there) 'mangle 'em up movie'. So, when you have made your first million, remember who you have to thank for it. We would welcome any profit-sharing that your conscience leads you to.
THE BASIC PRINCIPLE OF THESE MOVIES:
In the production of horror movies, one must consider QUANTITY. QUALITY is
of little (if any) importance. These 'Grind 'em into the ground' films have become immensely popular and will continue to be so for one main reason; this being that the vast majority of 'us' are demented. 'We' are quite willing to shell out 5 bucks at the theatre on a regular basis in order to watch our favorite MURDERER/ MONSTER/FIEND/SICKO/FREAK/DEMON rip apart our least favorite VICTIM(S)/ LOSER(S)/GOODY-GOOD(IES)/KNOB(S). Perhaps this is a comment on the stability and state of today's rapidly degenerating society… Fuck that!!! Anyways, it should now be apparent to even the simplest of simpletons that 'wholesome hacking' films are SOUND profit-makers.
Entrepreneur (you) with an unstable mind.
1 day to spare. This figure, although quite high, accounts for time used for script-writing (rough draft = final), No-name (low-cost) actors (relatives, for instance). * All measures must be taken to prevent the unnecessary loss of profits, all filming, and patenting.
The name MUST get straight to the point and be simple enough for the
audience to understand. 'Autumn Asphyxiation', for example, would not be acceptable (no one would know what autumn means!)
Suitable examples: KILL!, KILLED!, KILLER!, KILL 'EM ALL! DIE!, ALL DIE!,
YER DEAD!, DEATH! SPLATTER, SPLITCH, SQUELCH! CHOP, CHOP, CHOP! BLADE!, AXE!
OR, u can try the "MASSACRE" approach: DRIVE-IN MASSACRE, MICROWAVE
MASSACRE, TEXAS CHAIN-SAW MASSACRE, SLUMBER- PARTY MASSACRE, ESPANOLA MASSACRE, THE RESERVE TOMAHAWK, MASSACRE, etc.
Once you have a winner, DON'T STOP!! Release SEQUELS with subtitles!!!
AXE! AXE II: The Blade Gets Sharper! AXE III: 3-D! AXE IV: Pain! AXE V: More Pain! AXE VI: Return of the Axeman! AXE VII: The End!!! AXE VIII: We Lied.
Team-ups are always popular and so you get:
AXE IX: Axeman vs. Jason vs. Freddy
Don't stop here...
These films gain a great deal of popularity because of their association
with HEAVY METAL and SEX!! Could that be another indicator of society's imminent collapse?? Always hire THRASH METAL groups to sing your theme songs and perform sound effects (sometimes it is hard to tell which is the theme song and which are the sound effects!)
SOUND FX (poor Billy's death cries as performed by 'Diehard'): UG!
AAACKKKK! AWWWK! FUCKKK! ERK!
THEME SONG (also by 'Diehard'): UG! AAACKKKK! AWWWK! FUCKKK! ERK!
Hire no-name Thrash groups (people will like them and buy their albums)
because it is cheaper this way. Do not pay millions to Ozzy and the boys to be in your movie… hire 'The Granny-fuckers', 'Bash Heads', 'Inverted Cross', 'L.S.D.', 'Nic Fit', and so on. You can find any of these groups on local street corners, malls, arcades, record stores where it is easy to steal from. If all else fails, simply shout, "DRUGS!" and you are guaranteed to attract their attention!
The lyrics of your theme song are of no importance. Tape yourself while
you are gargling if you can't think of anything else. This is what will happen when the group records it:
LYRICS: You are gonna fucking die you fucking faggot! Fucking take your fucking head and smear it on the fucking wall! Yer gonna be fucked up real fucking bad! Don't fuck with us! Don't take no fucking shit! Fuck that!
CHORUS: Fucking right! Fucking hell! Fucking Yaaa! Satan! Satan! Satan! AXE! Fucking right! [Repeat] [Repeat] [Repeat]
GUITAR SOLO followed by smashing of guitar over head of person in audience
CROWD: AXE! AXE! ALRIGHT! AXE! AXE!
BUT... all of the above will come out as:
YJG-JH-BjKIGGBbbaFKl-J-JJJsKkjKJAA… * Note that this is difficult to understand.
Sex, as mentioned previously, plays a major part in these movies. Be
ORIGINAL, though. Try new, never-before-tried-things! Trust me… the sickos out there will love you for it! The villain usually has one thing on his/its mind: KILL! It is usually the victims who indulge in sexual acts during their short life-times on screen. Do not be stingey on actresses like you are with your actors, though. Do not use your sisters/mother/aunts/nieces in your movie because they are probably as ugly as sin. Use BABES only! Test them out yourself, first, to make sure they are up to par.
The name of your feature-film may be greatly influenced by SEX. Use names
like 'Deadly Dildos', 'Babes Get Blasted', 'Bludgeon The Bitch', 'Slut Slaughter', and 'Painful Pussies'.
* Note: Name such as these will draw
crowds with low mentalities. People with low mentalities are the majority, so this is good.
* Note 2: The name does not have to
relate to the film in any way. (If you have a real loser film about a girl and her pony, call it 'Ultimate Orgy Gets The Axe VII!' and it will be popular.
Now, special effects is a department which, in modern times, has become
extremely advanced. Unfortunately, it is also very expensive. You can avoid this expense by using REAL, authentic props (corpses, skulls, blood, etc.) If you really want to splurge and use imitations, keep in mind Heinz (why settle for second best, eh?)
You might decide to film stunts at night. This is actually a cop-out
because people can't see what is happening and it leaves much up to their gruesome imaginations. If you ran out of time writing the script (i.e. it took longer than 1 day), this is a good idea… Just film the next scenes at night and do absolutely nothing. Like FX, stunts are cheaper if they are REAL. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to do a mock death scene of a guy getting his eyeballs forced thru the back of his head??? And messy too! It is much more convenient and realistic to do it for real. After all, it isn't nice to trick the audience with fake killings… yes, many of them are so out of it that they can't separate movies from reality. You can call these useful killings of actors "on-location accidents"… these things happen… tsk, tsk. So that actors aren't wasted, try out the stunts on your friends first.
Lastly, when planning your film, THEME, PLOT, and CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT are
of absolutely no concern and should be avoided at all times. These things tend to confuse the audience and should be restricted to English class.
NOW! THE PART YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR:
THE OFFICIAL STEP-BY-STEP DOCUMENTATION TO THIS ART
THE PLOT (heaven forbid):
1) Something happens to royally piss-
off the murderer-to-be. If he is a wimp he may get stomped on; if he is not a he but a she, she may get raped. If it is a creature or Freddy-type, no agitation is required. They kill because it is FUN.
2) If the killer is mortal it often
gains some form of power until there are but a few left.
5) Usually, there is a good fuck scene
where two get gored for the price of one.
6) The final individual (sometimes
more than one, but not often) always lasts longer than the rest. The killer seems to grow somehow more useless and cannot eliminate her <- note, not him.
7) The chick gets some sort of weapon
(there are always tons of these lying around in places like play- grounds, schools, etc.) and tries to fight back. Being a useless girl, she fumbles it and loses it. The killer picks it up.
8) In her retreat, the chick runs into
the bodies of all her pals. Its amazing how they all seem to fall from above and pop up here and there, especially since she never noticed anything before.
9) While running with the mangler in
pursuit, what does every bitch do? That's right, she FALLS. Sometimes she will get up only to fall again. It becomes something of a Spiderman or Hercules cartoon affair. You know, how the creature is always just behind no matter how many times the person falls. During the actual pursuit, only the killer's boots can be seen (unless its a sequel and we have seen the murderer before).
10) Not to forget the constant
whimpering of the victim. The final victim usually resorts to talking to herself a great deal. She will say, "Oh no! Here he comes!! Help me!" Strange. There is no one else around. Who is she talking to?
11) There is always a point when the
victim tries to plead and bargain with her assailant. "Who are you?" "What do you want??" (Its kind of obvious what he wants) "Please don't hurt me!" "Here, take all of my money and credit cards!!"
12) Oh shit! We forgot to mention the
shower scene. Not to worry, film producers forget these things all the time and tack them in anywhere! Yes, this is a must. Sometimes blood even comes out of the shower itself.
13) If the victim is still trapped in
a house, the power should go about now.
14) She will look through every window
and guess who will be there? Guess who will also be behind every corner in every room. (Killers can change locations very fast, but they chase you slowly).
15) The wench escapes from the
building (not that it's exactly hard to leave a house or anything) and is chased again across an open courtyard... she falls.
16) A struggle results in which the
killer's mask is ripped off! The prep (mostly all chicks in these movies are awesome-looking preps) is paralyzed with fear but still doesn't get axed.
17) Something happens (varies) and the
killer gets killed! Wrong. He is really alive and gets up again, and again, and again, and again. (This is especially true of human killers with absolutely no special powers). Meanwhile, the chick will stand there and watch him get up and come for her.
18) Alas, the chick escapes against
all odds and the killer lies dead. * Note: The stupid bitch never keeps hammering him like she should. (She stands and looks at the body instead with a dazed expression on her face).
19) A happy ending right? Wrong!
Just before the credits appear and 'Diehard' commences with the theme song 'Fuck Hell', the killer's finger twitches; his eyes open; or he smiles.
20) You have reached the end, right?
Wrong! There will, of course, be a sequel. Be on the look out for all accompanying paraphernalia. (dolls, comix, video games, you name it!)
(C) 1988 TSS/Camp Blood Enterprises Watch for other similar files from us!
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