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Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
Episode 10
(Xaphod, Rod, Gillian, and Marvin are still on their way to find out more about Life, the Net, and Everything. From off in the distance they hear a hollow roar punctuated by gunfire. Before they have a chance to grasp the situation, a huge battle tank screeches to a halt in front of them. It is a fearsome device with great nasty teeth painted on it. The cannon looks as if it could punch a hole through a small planet. A hatch opens and a rightly uniformed man steps out, crushing a passing cat under his boot.)
Cat: (splat)
Rod: Wh . . . who are you?
Roarin' George:I'm General Roarin' George Pahton. I heard there was some
Singularans around here. Thought I'd do some American
style joggering.
Xaphod: Oh yeah, they went that a way.
Arnold Lint: Why does everyone pick on the Singularans? They only seek
meaningful personal relationships with people they find
special.
Roarin' George:Right, that's it, we're gonna have some order around
here. No more of these damn cliches. From here on out,
the following rules will apply: Anyone who uses the
phrases 'special', 'personal relationship', or
'meaningful relationship' WILL be fined twenty dollars
for the first offense. Subsequent offenders will have
their genitalia removed with a sharp rock. Anyone who
corrects the spelling of another, WILL be fined 100
dollars. I won't stand for any namby-pamby intellectuals
checking spelling when there's so much to do. Anyone
caught agreeing with anything an oppositely gendered
personnel says in an obvious attempt to make points, WILL
have both kneecaps shattered with a ball-pean hammer.
Likewise, anyone saying things which are right out of
soap operas with the intentions mentioned above WILL also
have his (or her) kneecaps shattered with a ball-pean
hammer. Remember, this is the NET, it's tough out there.
Keep your emotions to yourself, do you want a bunch of
commies to read that gooey crap? Why they'll think we're
wimps, then they'll invade. They've started infiltrating
already - ever been to one of the dating service places?
They're all commies, draining away our precious bodily
fluids. Now, get back to work!
(With that, he climbs back into the tank and drives off, casually blowing a 4 foot hole in a nearby wall. Just then, the 12" CRT on Xaphod's shoulder springs to life. On it is a man in a white suit with a bible in one hand and a microphone in the other. He speaks: "Friends. Why are we here today? We are here to hear the words - (Amen) - to hear the holy words from the Holy Box - (Amen). Oh blessed be the Holy Box, and it's disciples: Prophet Ronko, Prophet K-Dul, and the Prophet Popeel - (Amen Amen Amen). Yes, they lead is to immaculate spending. We here at the Church of the Divine Vision believe in Johnny and Merv and Mike. TV is the reflection of life, and life is a reflection of reality, therefore TV IS REALITY. Yes, Mrs Olson may be a Nazi, but if you buy Foljers, you can bake just like her. And Robert Yung may have multiple personalities and a penchant for farm animals, but if you drink his coffee, you can remain calm in the midst of a nuclear explosion . . . ")
Rod: Shut that OFF.
Xaphod: Bloody religious fanatics.
Arnold Lint: What an odd religion, worshiping a TV, seems hard to
believe.
Martin: Not really, just another awful attempt to deal with this
miserable Net. It's all a cop out. You can't understand
something so you pretend that there is something else in
control. It's all rubbish.
Gillian: Quiet. Of course there's a supreme being.
Martin: If you say so, but if God didn't already exist, he would
have to be invented.
Rod: It's hopeless talking to him.
("The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" indicates that the members of the Church of the Divine Vision are basically agnostics. They prefer to believe what they see on the tube to what some half starved people wrote about over 2000 years ago. They can't meet God, but if the TV gives them trouble, they can always replace it. Their belief led to the writing of the Video Testament, which is the gospel for all believers in the Holy Box. Although it seems unlikely, the Church of the Divine Vision was supposed to have formed some amazing concepts as to how the Net exists.)
Gillian: Let's go.
Martin: Do we have to?
(They all ignore Martin and press on. Two days later they arrive at their destination. In front of them is a rather bug-eyed looking lizard.)
Xaphod: Hey man, are you the one with the dope on Life, the Net,
and Everything.
Lizard: Yes, I am Teddy the Wonder Lizard. I know all there is to
know about Life, the Net, and Everything.
Rod: Well, tell us!
Gillian: Please do!
Teddy: You won't like it.
Martin: (sarcastically) Now that's a real surprise.
Teddy: Are you sure you want to know?
Arnold Lint: Yes, what is it, got to more than forty-bloody-two.
Teddy: Yes, that was the answer we told the Net. We figured that
the real answer was so awful, they'd rather get something
vague and argue about it forever.
Xaphod: Well, out with it.
Teddy: It's all here, in the Video Testament!
(He hands Xaphod an old looking book, pops about a dozen valiums, and then switches on a nearby TV set. He is watching 'Real People'.)
Xaphod: Well, that should finish him off.
Arnold Lint: The drugs?
Rod: No, 'Real People', lowers the IQ so much that the brain
just packs it in and you die.
Gillian: Find the answer already!
Xaphod: Okay, now lets see . . .
- * End Of Part 10 **
What is the answer to Life, the Net, and Everything? Why are we here? Are we here? And why is it that vampires never attack Jewish neighborhoods? For the answers to some of these questions . . . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.
danielle