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Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
Episode 7
(Xaphod, Gillian, Rod, Martin, and Arnold Lint continue their descent into the heart of Netrothea. Flarg Brittashik has vanished leaving only a tin of Putrina Rat Chow in his stead.)
Xaphod: Wow, that was far out! Martin: If you say so.
(All of a sudden, the 12" CRT on Xaphod's shoulder starts up . . . Star Wars type music kicks in . . . Once upon a time, in a Net far, far away, a band of steadfast hackers are fighting a gallant fight. Vast swarms of nauseatingly repetitious messages are swamping their news. They must retaliate. This is their story . . . This is Zar Wars. . . All the nodes beginning with the letter Z have banded together, they are tired of always being last because the Net does everything alphabetically. They decide to stage a bold attack and make their presence known! to this end they devised a cunning scheme to echo their news articles across the known Net several multiple times each posting. In this way, they would be assured the attention they feel they deserve. Net.landers are at this moment preparing for a counterattack. They are preparing massive Photocomplaint rays, Gargantugripe bombs, and the ever deadly Super plasmicautor - ever berating mega moleculo zapper dingle dangle dongle hyper intensified- new and improved timewarping complaint field generators. The last device is one of the most feared (and hardest to pronounce) in the known Net. Its power is so incredible that grown men have been known to pull out their own livers rather than be subjected to its awesome force.)
Rod: Turn that off! Xaphod: (Doing so) Yah, what a drag. Arnold Lint:Well, what do we do now. Gillian: I guess we keep going. Martin: Do we have to? All: Yes! Arnold Lint:Sure could go for a cup of tea. Xaphod: (Mumbling to himself) Stupid git! Martin: Do you people really think this is necessary? Why can't you
be satisfied with things as they are? Must you always try to
change them - things can only get worse.
Xaphod: Look you morose metal moron, we're going on so shut up. Look
upon this as an adventure into a whole new life.
Martin: Oh no, not another.
(The stairwell they are on leads into a huge room. So huge that it defies commentary, only to say that it is, in fact, bloody huge. Off in the distance there is a faint light. Arnold Lint and company head for it. Two weeks later they arrive. the light is being emitted from a strange kind of TTY. There is a plaque nearby which reads: "For the answer to Life, the Net and Everything, type in 'Help'. For dirty books or leather goods, ring bell for service. The Inter-Net Megamind Exchange and Novelty Shoppe thanks you for your patronage of our establishment".)
Arnold Lint:Wow, the answer to Life, the Net, and Everything! Xaphod: Who cares, lets get at the dirty books! Rod: Yah! I wonder if they have "Advanced Necrophilia for
Scientists and Engineers" or "Yes, you can be a Toad-Sexer"?
Arnold Lint:Dirty books, way out here? Xaphod: Of course, depravity is the universal language.
Pornographic material is generally considered legal tender
anywhere in the Net. I once lived for a whole year on
Carnolea, just on trading my old "Gland" magazines and
lubricants for supplies.
Gillian: (Disgusted by the antics of Rod and Xaphod)Lets see the
answer already - boy what sicko's.
Xaphod: OK, but then can we get some dirty books.
(Xaphod types in 'HELP' to the keyboard. Strange hummings and buzzings start to emanate from the TTY. The cryptic characters "101010" appear on the screen.)
[ "The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" points out that the number 42, when viewed in it's binary representation is in fact, quite revealing. There are many theories for what it actually means. The adult magazine "Spurt" suggests that it is the perfect pattern for an orgy, three males and three females being the supposed ideal. The actual shape of the characters of '101010' seem to bear this out. Also the fact that it does go 'boy-girl-boy . . . ' also helps. The religious magazine 'Modern Moral Majority' (MMM) suggests that it is in fact a message from God. The pattern indicates that two of the same sex shall not have intercourse. The fact that there are equal numbers of both male and female indicates that monogamous relationships are the thing to do. Also the fact that, when read, left to right, the man always comes first, really gave them an edge on the ERA (who really didn't listen anyway). Most other people simply wondered why everyone thought the binary sequence had anything at all to do with sex. ] Rod: That's it? Xaphod: Apparently. Gillian: There must be more than just 42. Martin: I certainly hope not. Xaphod: Well, lets try to get some more info! (Xaphod once again starts typing at the TTY. Characters flash and buzzers buzz. The TTY finally gives up, it types out: "All right already, if you really want the answers, take the service elevator to the 127,366,247th floor, then follow the green line till it meets the blue line till it meets the orange line till it becomes the slightly off white line. Then climb out the window, jump off and ask for Ralph. He'll tell you the whole story. Now push off, I've had a bad day. (To itself now) Where did I put those Valliums. Crap, I need a drink . . ) Xaphod: Oh well, what do we have to loose. Martin: Not much really, just our lives. Of course, my life means so little already, I doubt I'd mind if it were lost. Rod: Quiet. End Of Part 7 **
What is the actual answer to Life, the Net, and Everything? Will Arnold Lint get his tea? Will Xaphod get his dirty book? Will the net sponsor a Pot-Luck-Orgy? For the answers to these and many other pointless questions . . . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.
danielle