The Woody Sketch From Monty Python's Flying Circus Transcribed 1/1/88 by Jonathan Partington ( JRP1@PHX.CAM.AC.UK ) continued from BANTER PYTHON
Scene: a 1920s-style drawing room
Chapman: I say! Cleveland: Yes, Daddy? Chapman: Croquet hoops look dam' pretty this afternoon. Cleveland: Frightfully damn pretty. Idle (as her mother): They're coming along *awfully* well this year. Chapman: Yes, better than your Aunt Lavinia's croquet hoops. Cleveland: Ugh! Dreadful tin things. Idle: I did tell her to stick to wood. Chapman: Yes, you can't beat wood. Gorn. Idle: What's gone, dear? Chapman: Nothing, nothing – just like the word, it gives me confidence.
Gorn. Gorn -- it's got a sort of *woody* quality about it. Gorn. Go-o-orn. Much better than 'newspaper' or 'litter bin'.
Cleveland: Ugh! Frightful words! Idle: Perfectly dreadful! Chapman: 'Newspaper' – 'litter bin' – 'litter bin' – dreadful *tinny* sort
of word.
(Cleveland screams) Chapman: Tin, tin, tin. Idle: Oh, don't say 'tin' to Rebecca, you know how it upsets her. Chapman: Sorry, old horse. Idle: 'Sausage.' Chapman: 'Sausage'! There's a good woody sort of word, 'sausage'. 'Gorn.' Cleveland: 'Antelope!' Chapman: Where? On the lawn? Cleveland: No, no, Daddy. Just the word. Chapman: Don't want antelope nibbling the hoops. Cleveland: No, no – 'ant-e-lope'. Sort of nice and woody type of thing. Idle: Don't think so, Becky old chap. Chapman: No, no – 'antelope' - 'antelope', *tinny* sort of word. (Cleveland screams) Chapman: Oh, sorry old man. Idle: Really, Mansfield. Chapman: Well, she's got to come to terms with these things. 'Seemly.'
'Prodding.' 'Vac-u-um.' 'Leap.'
Cleveland: Oh – hate 'leap'. Idle: Perfectly dreadful. Cleveland: Sort of PVC sort of word, don't you know. Idle: Lower middle. Chapman: 'Bound!' Idle: Now you're talking! Chapman: 'Bound.' 'Vole!' 'Recidivist!' Idle: Bit *tinny*… (Cleveland screams and rushes out sobbing) Idle: Oh, sorry, Becky old beast. Chapman: Oh dear, I suppose she'll be gorn for a few days now. Idle: Caribou. Chapman: Splendid word! Idle: No, dear, nibbling the hoops. (Chapman fires a shotgun) Chapman (with satisfaction): Caribou – gorn… 'Intercourse.' Idle: Later, dear. Chapman: No, no – the word, 'intercourse'. Good and woody. 'Inter-course.'
'Pert,' 'pert,' 'thighs,' 'botty,' 'botty,' 'botty' (getting excited), 'erogenous zo-o-one'. Ha ha ha ha -- oh, 'concubine', 'erogenous zo-o-one', 'loose woman', 'erogenous zone'...
(Idle calmly empties a bucket of water over Chapman)
Chapman: Oh, thank you, dear. There's a funny thing, dear – all the naughty
words sound woody.
Idle: Really, dear – how about 'tit'? Chapman: Oh dear, I hadn't thought about that. 'Tit.' 'Tit.' Oh, that's very
tinny, isn't it? 'Tit.' 'Tit.' Tinny, tinny.
(Cleveland, who has just come in, screams and rushes out again)
Chapman: Oh dear. 'Ocelot.' 'Was-p.' 'Yowling.' Oh dear, I'm bored. Better
go and have a bath, I suppose.
Idle: Oh really, must you, dear – you've had nine today. Chapman: All right – I'll sack one of the servants. Simpkins! Nasty tinny
sort of name. SIMPKINS!
(Enter Palin, in RAF uniform)
Palin: I say, mater, cabbage crates coming over the briny. Idle: Sorry dear, don't understand. Palin: Er – cow-catchers creeping up on the conning towers? Idle: No, sorry old sport. Palin: Um – caribou nibbling at the croquet hoops. Idle: Yes, Mansfield shot one in the antlers.
end of file WOOD PYTHON 1/20/88 From: JRP1@PHX.CAM.AC.UK To: Clarinet@YALEVM