GENWiki

You know its time to go on the wagon when:

You say to your wife ' honey if you can carry me to the car I'll drive

You are on top of the empire state building and you try to step on an ant and

its really a brown volvo on 34th street

You're so high your hair starts to hurt

You'd like to take an aspirin but cant find your mouth

You'd like to make yourself a hot chocolate but cant stand the thunderous plop

of the marshmallow

You stand fumbling desperately with your house keys trying to open the door

and cry out 'somebody stole my keyhole!'

You can chin yourself on your breath

You try to scratch something off your back and discover its the floor

You pass the public library and toss sticks for the lions to fetch

The person sitting next to you in the bar begs you for a lock of your breath

You try to phone a friend by dialing your wife's birth control pill case

You see a pink elephant and he knows you by your first name

All your strength seems to be concentrated in your breath

You sit down and miss the chair

You breath on your plastic collar stays and they melt

The more you loosen up the tighter you get

Your girlfriend gives you freeway directions home by pointing to the veins in

your eyes

You drag your wife away from a swinging party at 2:00 in the morning and the

party is at your house

You've just made it up the stairs to your apartment and some idiot steps on

your fingers…. and its you

You get up in the middle of the night, look back at the empty bed and call the

police to say 'I've been kidnaped'

You walk your dog around the block and you've really spent 15 minutes in a

revolving door

You've had one too many and you can't remember which one was the too many

Your wife wont let you in the front door until you've wiped your knees

Your head feels tighter than a can of rolled anchovies

You insist on playing the piano in the bar the next time it comes around

You can tell the guy at the bar next to you,'you better not have another

drink.. your face is getting blurry.'

You feel your way around a lamp post and mutter' its no use, they got me

walled in'

You turn on your ignition with a cigarette because you smoked your car keys

You wake up in the morning with both feet in the same leg of the pajamas

You announce' I'm buying one for the house' an your at the Rose Bowl on New

Years Day

You drop the pennies into the sewer grate and keep looking up at the city hall

clock to see how muck you weigh

You trade in the 16th olive on a 17th martini

You can hold your key all right but your apartment house door keeps going up

and down

You swallow a shot glass without burbing

You ran out of money and cant remember the correct way to spell I.O.U.

You get home and a lady in a negligee greets you at the door and says 'come to

bed' and you say ' i may as well. my wife will give me hell anyway'

The bubbles from an alka seltzer give you a migraine

Everyone around you seems to be talking to you with capital letters

Your doing 75 mph on the freeway and the CHP officer points out you forgot

your car

You cant walk across an oriental rug without tripping on the flowers

You come home and your wife is wearing a flannel nightgown and you don't know

the difference

Your staying at a dude ranch and they have to wheel yourself on your spurs

You spill a bottle of vodka on the floor and wake up the next morning with

splinters on your tongue

You're more polluted than the air you breathe

You're at a baseball game and reach the bottom of the fifth before the teams

do

You accuse the bartender of cutting the water

Your wife wants you to promise you'll give up drinking...and you agree

Your head feels like a jar of peach pits.

You look out at the ocean and say 'now that's what i call a chaser'

A cop asks you for your license and you try to pull it out of your back pocket

and wind up handing him your underwear label

You're carrying home a manhole cover home and you say to yourself ' te sure

put a lot of toppings on this pizza'

The doctor tells you he found a little blood in your alcohol stream

You try to shave with your toothbrush

Your afraid to open your eyelids because your afraid of the fireworks

You go to a massage parlor and insist on a massage

Your mouth tastes like a mailman's sock

You find yourself practicing trombone in a phone booth

You stand in front of your neighbors cat making bird calls

The doctor tells you your suffering from an impacted shot glass

You get your license revoked for drunk drinking

You complain to the bartender that the martini is fuzzy and the girl next to

you is wearing a veil

You call the police at 3:00 in the morning to stop the lady upstairs from

making noise because she bit into a potato chip

You put pennies into a parking meter and complain that no peanuts came out

You look around and find things are missing like your teeth

The police arrest you for singing Xmas carols--on the 4th of July

You practice hitting a golfball in a tile bathroom

You call the police and tell them somebody stole your steering wheel from your

car and discover you sitting in the back seat

After the 6th margarita you wake up with a ring of salt around your nose

You get your tongue caught in a pretzel

You ask the waiter,'whats the correct win with booze?'

You answer the telephone and you feel your ear is unlisted

You want to climb up the side of the empire state building and hold memorial

services for king kong

You get into bed, open a book and turns out to be you attache case

You think the olive in your martini is sticking its pimento at you

You try to donate a fifth of blood and the red cross and they wont give it to

anyone under twenty one

You try to spell Mississippi and don't know when to stop sississipping

You look at the leaning tower of pisa and say ' i don't see whats wrong with

it'

You grab the air bag in your car and say ' your place or mine?'

You stop to peep into a window to watch a lady undress and you realize its

your own wife

You cant lie on the floor without holding on

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