GENWiki

Premier IT Outsourcing and Support Services within the UK

User Tools

Site Tools


archive:humor:school.mud

From: strange@cats.ucsc.edu Date: 23 May 92 23:30:03 GMT Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: A long Item

This is something I wrote a few months back which has been making

the rounds at UCSC. It's very long, and my not be suitable for posting on the net because of that. But it's funny, I think.. anyhow, here it is.

***

You are in your dorm room. Your roommate is playing Jello Biafra. The cups on the desk are shattering. There is an unfinished lab book here. There is a chemistry book here. There are socks here. There are empty beer bottles here. There is a computer here. There are six moldy bananas here. There are several tons of dirty laundry here. There are shattering cups here. There is a refrigerator here. There is a desk with drawers here.

> turn off music

Your roommate makes discouraged sounds. The cups stop shattering.

> play beach boys

Your roommate throws a hammer into your stereo. You now have no

stereo. Your I.Q. Decreases by 10 points.

fix stereo
The stereo is shattered beyond repair.

> curse stereo

"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your erogenous zones!"

The stereo is fixed. The sheer quantity of dirty socks in this room

is making it hard to move.

look at socks
They are very smelly. It is getting harder and harder to move.

> clean up socks.

You can't. They're all welded together.

> throw socks out window

They soar out the window with the greatest of ease, hit the

ground, and shatter.
leave room

24 hour Dave enters, fiending for weed. He blocks your exit.

> kick dave

Dave doesn't seem to notice.

> yell at dave

Dave doesn't seem to notice.

> feed dave

Dave thankfully gobbles your food and asks if there is any more.

> eat dave's head

You start chewing on dave's head. Dave doesn't seem to notice.

Your I.Q. goes up forty points. You now understand chapter four of

your chemistry assignment. Dave is still here.

work on lab book
You don't have the lab book.

> pick up lab book

It is very heavy. You are carrying too much.

> inventory

You are carrying:

A +10 cut-offs of tumescence

A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die A +2 elven sneakers of silence A swiss army knife A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it. A very large ring of Keys. A (much too small) bag of weed. A package +3 papers of zig-zag.

> look papers

The papers are blank.

> drop keys

You load lightens considerably. 

> pick up lab book

You struggle under the load, but prevail in the end.

> do chemistry lab

You have no calculator. Dave grabs the lab book from you and does

the lab. You are thirsty.

open refrigerator
A considerable amount of cheap beer is revealed.

> drink cheap beer

You have an instant hangover. You can't stand up. Dave mutters

something about being left out.
kick dave

Dave doesn't seem to notice.

> offer beer to dave

Dave is drunk. Dave mutters something about being back and

leaves.
leave room

You can't. You're suffering from a hangover. 

> open desk

There is some aspirin here. 

> eat aspirin

YUCK! You munch it up. You begin to feel better. 

> leave room

The door locks behind you. You are in a north-south hall. There

are several doors here, some marked with magazine clippings.
unlock door

You can't. Your keys are in the room.

> open doors

You open the nearest door without knocking. Charles and Anna are

here. Dave is here. There are clothes on the floor. There are no

clothes on Charles and Anna. You get the feeling you should leave.

leave room
As you are leaving, Dave mutters something about Birkenstocks.

You are back in the hall. You are hungry.
south

You come to a lounge. 
There is a door here.
There are two chairs here.
There is a desk here. 
Tony is here, studying chemistry.

> greet tony

Tony says, "Hey, bro! How's it goin'? Nice suit."

> commiserate with tony

Tony says, "I'm really stressing hard on this test, bro." You are

still hungry.
open door

There are stairs down to the west. There are stairs up to the

west. There is a walkway to the south.
down

There is an east-west ramp here. There are some people here. They

comment loudly on your nudity.
west

You are in a quad. There is a picnic table here. The door to the

cafeteria is to the north.
north

They don't let naked people into the cafeteria. You are forcibly

ejected.
inventory

You are carrying:

A +10 cut-offs of tumescence

A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die A +2 elven sneakers of silence A swiss army knife A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it. An (even smaller) bag of weed. A package of blank +3 papers of zig-zag.

> wear shirt

You are resplendent in your +3 tee-shirt of tie die. 

> wear shorts

You are now a bulging wonder. 

> north

You are in a room full of simulated food.

> eat food

You aren't even vaguely hungry. In fact, the concept of

introducing this swill into your system is bletcherous.

south
You are in a quad.

> smoke weed

You now have the munchies. Your subjective I.Q. increases by 10

points. You have a revelation involving the cosmic significance of

Spam.

north
You are in a room full of an infinite amount of delectable

munchables.
eat food

You need a tray first.

> get tray

You now have the Tray of Cafeteria Browninan Motion.

> eat food

You serve yourself a generous portion of cafeteria yumness. You

take a seat and begin shoveling it into your face. After two bites

you are full. You have food poisoning.

leave
You can't. The cafeteria is cursed. You still have food

poisoning.
search cafeteria

You find half a bottle of Everclear stashed in the salad bar.

> drink bottle

Wouldn't you prefer something safer? Like cutting a pre-

enrollment line?
take small sip

A small sip is probably sufficient to kill all the residents of

Hong Kong and render it uninhabitable until the lease runs out.
take small small sip

You feel the potent brew coursing down your digestive tract,

killing everything in its path. You no longer have food poisoning.

You pass out. After two hours, you wake up.

You are in a quad.

> west

You are in no shape to move. You attempt to sit up, and the world

does a tap dance on your face.

wait
Time passes....

> wait

Time passes....

> wait

Time passes..... The world slows to a waltz. 

> west

There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path.

> kick lesbian

She enjoys it. She points out that you are a fascist sexist

bastard.
wait

The lesbian launches into a discourse on the oppressive

patriarchal system.
smell lesbian

Don't do that.

> pull leg hairs

You have been kicked in the balls. You pass out. You lose 5 I.Q.

points.

You wake up numb from the waist down.
You are in a quad.

> west

There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path. 

> bash male sex

The militant lesbian smiles, calls you a sister, and walks off.

> west

This is a gentle downhill slope. There is a meadow to the west.

The path forks here. There is a path to the northwest. There is a

path to the southwest.

southwest
You arrive at the mailhouse. 

> look in mailbox

There are six thousand freshmen kneeling at the bottom row of

boxes. Some are wearing short skirts, but that's slim consolation.
wait

Time passes....

> wait

Time passes....  A space opens up in front of your box.

> look in box

The space is grabbed faster than you can move. You need split-

second reflexes.
wait

Time passes....

> wait

Time passes....  A space opens up in front of your box.

> lunge

You get your spot.

> look in box

It's packed to the bursting point. 

> open box

You goof up.

> again

You goof up.

> again

You finally manage to open the box. Inside there are eight flyers

for college events that happened three weeks ago. A ninth is

current - an invitation to play croquet with the provost. You decline and roundfile the sheaf. There is a package notice here. There is a letter here.

read letter
You open the letter. It is a long steamy graphic explicit love

letter… from a total stranger.
check address

Both the package notice and the opened letter are for your

boxmate. They are postdated three months ago. You have been

airboxed.

north
You are hemmed in by 1000 dorm androids sans brassieres trying to

get to their boxes.
howl

Your howling causes the androids to stare at the sky in

confusion, giving you time to make your escape.
north

You exit stage left, kicking several fembots in the shins as you

pass. The bit of abuse you inflict causes several of the fembots to

follow you, hoping for more.

There is a very small grove of trees to the east.

> east

You are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others.

There are some fembots here.

north
You are in a grove of trees, some slightly smaller than others.

There are some fembots here.
west

You are in a grove of trees, some slightly bigger than others.

There are some fembots here.
north

You are in a grove of trees, some slightly leafier than others.

There are some fembots here.
southeast

You are in a grove of trees, some slightly greener than others.

There are some fembots here.
east

You are in a grove of trees, some slightly darker than others.

There are some fembots here.
south

You are in a grove of trees, some slightly moister than others.

There are some fembots here.
west

You are in a grove of trees, some slightly creepier than others.

There are some fembots here.
south

You are in a grove of trees, some slightly older than others.

There are some fembots here.
west

You are in a grove of trees, some slightly browner than others.

There are some fembots here.
north

You are in a grove of trees, some slightly odoriferous than

others. There are some fembots here.
west

You are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others.

There are some fembots here.
west

You are standing in the quad again. The smell of sweat socks

fills the air. The cafeteria is preparing dinner.

There are some fembots here. There are some shattered sweat socks here. There is a small red bottle that says "Drink Me!" here. There is a book of matches here. There is a lamp post here. There is a notice pinned to the lamppost.

Get matches.

Taken.

burn notice
Don't you want to see what it says first?

> burn notice

There are many trees nearby.

> burn notice godammit

You must first light a match.

> light match

The match refuses to burn.

> drop match

You violate the ecological pristiness of the area by dropping a

filthy, unnatural, manmade piece of trash on the ground. One of the

fembots gets offended and leaves to organize a protest.

light second match
The second match bursts into flame.

> burn notice

The notice burns with a pleasant green flame.

> get bottle

You take the bottle that says "Drink Me!"

> north

You walk to a deserted area between two buildings. There is a

north-south path here.

There are some fembots here. There are some protesters here. Your fingers are getting warm.

north
You walk north. The path winds around to the east. There is a

building to the north.

There are some fembots here.
There is some chanting coming from the south.
Your fingers are burning.

> Drop match

You drop the match on the ground. Your fingers continue to burn.

> Suck on fingers

The fembots are offended by the sexual symbolism and leave.  
The fire is extinguished. Your fingers are throbbing now.
There is a match burning on the ground.

> step on match

You step on the match, burning the bottom of your foot in the

process. You should remember to wear shoes more often.

There is a burnt-out match sitting on the ground.

> wear shoes

You move very quietly now. 

> north

You smack your head into the building. The building does not

move.

Your I.Q. drops by 10 points. You no longer grok spam.

> east

You enter the Merrill academic building. You are in a North-South

hallway. There is a door to the East. Exit is to the West.
east

You enter a quiet classroom. The students, who had apparently

been taking an exam, look up at you angrily. The professor glares

at you angrily. The students return to their frantic efforts. The professor, who looks vaguely familiar, continues to glare. You suddenly realize that this is your calculus class, which you have not attended in three weeks.

sit
You find an empty desk. The chair squeaks as you seat yourself,

causing the student next to you to give you a grimace that would

make a good Butthole Surfers album cover. The professor brings you a copy of the midterm.

look test
You look at the test. The problems on the first page are

impossible. The material on the following eight pages is worse.

Test stress causes your I.Q. to drop 100 points.

do test
This is impossible, as you have neither pencil nor calculator.

You realize that failing this exam means failing the course.
borrow pencil

Your neighbor growls angrily as soon as you start to vocalize

your request.
steal pencil

You steal the extra pencil from your neighbor's desk. He does not

notice.
do test

You start to work on the first problem, even though you have only

a vague understanding of how to solve it. The pencil hurts your

charred fingers. Beads of sweat form on your forehead as you scratch out calculations that would normally be done on a calculator. You reach an answer that could not possibly be correct.

do second problem
Just reading the second problem severely stresses your mental

resources. You suffer a brain embolism.
do problem

You begin calculations on the second problem. Sweat begins to

trickle from your face and armpits. You begin to stink. The trickle

of sweat turns into a raging torrent. Your brain seizes. You cannot move.

wait
Time passes...

> wait

Time passes...

> wait

Time passes. You can move now.

> smoke test

Do you really want to do that?

> smoke test

As you inhale the xeroxed papyrus, you feel the knowledge of the

ancients seeping into your mind. You come to a complete

understanding of the material, but you no longer have anything to turn in.

write answers
What do you want to write the answers on?

> paper

You start scribbling the solutions to the problems on the blank

papers of zig-zag. Just as you write the last answer, the teacher

collects the exams, staples them together, and leaves. You have truly smoked this test.

east
You are in a north-south hallway. There is a door to the east.

> north

You stumble down the hallway in a northerly direction. Smacking

into the door at the end and popping it open. You trip over your

untied shoelaces and fall through the doorway. The door slams shut behind you.

Tie shoelaces
You tie your shoelaces into a very tight knot. Your shoes can now

only be removed by surgery.

– Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com. Do not use the old site of "looking.on.ca" please. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.

/data/webs/external/dokuwiki/data/pages/archive/humor/school.mud.txt · Last modified: 1999/08/01 17:14 by 127.0.0.1

Donate Powered by PHP Valid HTML5 Valid CSS Driven by DokuWiki