From: strange@cats.ucsc.edu Date: 23 May 92 23:30:03 GMT Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: A long Item
This is something I wrote a few months back which has been making
the rounds at UCSC. It's very long, and my not be suitable for posting on the net because of that. But it's funny, I think.. anyhow, here it is.
***
You are in your dorm room. Your roommate is playing Jello Biafra. The cups on the desk are shattering. There is an unfinished lab book here. There is a chemistry book here. There are socks here. There are empty beer bottles here. There is a computer here. There are six moldy bananas here. There are several tons of dirty laundry here. There are shattering cups here. There is a refrigerator here. There is a desk with drawers here.
> turn off music
Your roommate makes discouraged sounds. The cups stop shattering.
> play beach boys
Your roommate throws a hammer into your stereo. You now have no
stereo. Your I.Q. Decreases by 10 points.
fix stereoThe stereo is shattered beyond repair.> curse stereo
"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your erogenous zones!"The stereo is fixed. The sheer quantity of dirty socks in this room
is making it hard to move.
look at socksThey are very smelly. It is getting harder and harder to move.> clean up socks.
You can't. They're all welded together.> throw socks out window
They soar out the window with the greatest of ease, hit theground, and shatter.
leave room24 hour Dave enters, fiending for weed. He blocks your exit.> kick dave
Dave doesn't seem to notice.> yell at dave
Dave doesn't seem to notice.> feed dave
Dave thankfully gobbles your food and asks if there is any more.> eat dave's head
You start chewing on dave's head. Dave doesn't seem to notice.Your I.Q. goes up forty points. You now understand chapter four of
your chemistry assignment. Dave is still here.
work on lab bookYou don't have the lab book.> pick up lab book
It is very heavy. You are carrying too much.> inventory
You are carrying:A +10 cut-offs of tumescence
A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die A +2 elven sneakers of silence A swiss army knife A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it. A very large ring of Keys. A (much too small) bag of weed. A package +3 papers of zig-zag.
> look papers
The papers are blank.
> drop keys
You load lightens considerably.
> pick up lab book
You struggle under the load, but prevail in the end.
> do chemistry lab
You have no calculator. Dave grabs the lab book from you and does
the lab. You are thirsty.
open refrigeratorA considerable amount of cheap beer is revealed.> drink cheap beer
You have an instant hangover. You can't stand up. Dave mutterssomething about being left out.
kick daveDave doesn't seem to notice.> offer beer to dave
Dave is drunk. Dave mutters something about being back andleaves.
leave roomYou can't. You're suffering from a hangover.> open desk
There is some aspirin here.> eat aspirin
YUCK! You munch it up. You begin to feel better.> leave room
The door locks behind you. You are in a north-south hall. Thereare several doors here, some marked with magazine clippings.
unlock doorYou can't. Your keys are in the room.> open doors
You open the nearest door without knocking. Charles and Anna arehere. Dave is here. There are clothes on the floor. There are no
clothes on Charles and Anna. You get the feeling you should leave.
leave roomAs you are leaving, Dave mutters something about Birkenstocks.You are back in the hall. You are hungry.
southYou come to a lounge. There is a door here. There are two chairs here. There is a desk here. Tony is here, studying chemistry.> greet tony
Tony says, "Hey, bro! How's it goin'? Nice suit."> commiserate with tony
Tony says, "I'm really stressing hard on this test, bro." You arestill hungry.
open doorThere are stairs down to the west. There are stairs up to thewest. There is a walkway to the south.
downThere is an east-west ramp here. There are some people here. Theycomment loudly on your nudity.
westYou are in a quad. There is a picnic table here. The door to thecafeteria is to the north.
northThey don't let naked people into the cafeteria. You are forciblyejected.
inventoryYou are carrying:A +10 cut-offs of tumescence
A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die A +2 elven sneakers of silence A swiss army knife A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it. An (even smaller) bag of weed. A package of blank +3 papers of zig-zag.
> wear shirt
You are resplendent in your +3 tee-shirt of tie die.
> wear shorts
You are now a bulging wonder.
> north
You are in a room full of simulated food.
> eat food
You aren't even vaguely hungry. In fact, the concept of
introducing this swill into your system is bletcherous.
southYou are in a quad.> smoke weed
You now have the munchies. Your subjective I.Q. increases by 10points. You have a revelation involving the cosmic significance of
Spam.
northYou are in a room full of an infinite amount of delectablemunchables.
eat foodYou need a tray first.> get tray
You now have the Tray of Cafeteria Browninan Motion.> eat food
You serve yourself a generous portion of cafeteria yumness. Youtake a seat and begin shoveling it into your face. After two bites
you are full. You have food poisoning.
leaveYou can't. The cafeteria is cursed. You still have foodpoisoning.
search cafeteriaYou find half a bottle of Everclear stashed in the salad bar.> drink bottle
Wouldn't you prefer something safer? Like cutting a pre-enrollment line?
take small sipA small sip is probably sufficient to kill all the residents ofHong Kong and render it uninhabitable until the lease runs out.
take small small sipYou feel the potent brew coursing down your digestive tract,killing everything in its path. You no longer have food poisoning.
You pass out. After two hours, you wake up.
You are in a quad.
> west
You are in no shape to move. You attempt to sit up, and the world
does a tap dance on your face.
waitTime passes....> wait
Time passes....> wait
Time passes..... The world slows to a waltz.> west
There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path.> kick lesbian
She enjoys it. She points out that you are a fascist sexistbastard.
waitThe lesbian launches into a discourse on the oppressivepatriarchal system.
smell lesbianDon't do that.> pull leg hairs
You have been kicked in the balls. You pass out. You lose 5 I.Q.points.
You wake up numb from the waist down. You are in a quad.> west
There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path.> bash male sex
The militant lesbian smiles, calls you a sister, and walks off.> west
This is a gentle downhill slope. There is a meadow to the west.The path forks here. There is a path to the northwest. There is a
path to the southwest.
southwestYou arrive at the mailhouse.> look in mailbox
There are six thousand freshmen kneeling at the bottom row ofboxes. Some are wearing short skirts, but that's slim consolation.
waitTime passes....> wait
Time passes.... A space opens up in front of your box.> look in box
The space is grabbed faster than you can move. You need split-second reflexes.
waitTime passes....> wait
Time passes.... A space opens up in front of your box.> lunge
You get your spot.> look in box
It's packed to the bursting point.> open box
You goof up.> again
You goof up.> again
You finally manage to open the box. Inside there are eight flyersfor college events that happened three weeks ago. A ninth is
current - an invitation to play croquet with the provost. You decline and roundfile the sheaf. There is a package notice here. There is a letter here.
read letterYou open the letter. It is a long steamy graphic explicit loveletter… from a total stranger.
check addressBoth the package notice and the opened letter are for yourboxmate. They are postdated three months ago. You have been
airboxed.
northYou are hemmed in by 1000 dorm androids sans brassieres trying toget to their boxes.
howlYour howling causes the androids to stare at the sky inconfusion, giving you time to make your escape.
northYou exit stage left, kicking several fembots in the shins as youpass. The bit of abuse you inflict causes several of the fembots to
follow you, hoping for more.
There is a very small grove of trees to the east.
> east
You are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others.
There are some fembots here.
northYou are in a grove of trees, some slightly smaller than others.There are some fembots here.
westYou are in a grove of trees, some slightly bigger than others.There are some fembots here.
northYou are in a grove of trees, some slightly leafier than others.There are some fembots here.
southeastYou are in a grove of trees, some slightly greener than others.There are some fembots here.
eastYou are in a grove of trees, some slightly darker than others.There are some fembots here.
southYou are in a grove of trees, some slightly moister than others.There are some fembots here.
westYou are in a grove of trees, some slightly creepier than others.There are some fembots here.
southYou are in a grove of trees, some slightly older than others.There are some fembots here.
westYou are in a grove of trees, some slightly browner than others.There are some fembots here.
northYou are in a grove of trees, some slightly odoriferous thanothers. There are some fembots here.
westYou are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others.There are some fembots here.
westYou are standing in the quad again. The smell of sweat socksfills the air. The cafeteria is preparing dinner.
There are some fembots here. There are some shattered sweat socks here. There is a small red bottle that says "Drink Me!" here. There is a book of matches here. There is a lamp post here. There is a notice pinned to the lamppost.
Get matches.
Taken.
burn noticeDon't you want to see what it says first?> burn notice
There are many trees nearby.> burn notice godammit
You must first light a match.> light match
The match refuses to burn.> drop match
You violate the ecological pristiness of the area by dropping afilthy, unnatural, manmade piece of trash on the ground. One of the
fembots gets offended and leaves to organize a protest.
light second matchThe second match bursts into flame.> burn notice
The notice burns with a pleasant green flame.> get bottle
You take the bottle that says "Drink Me!"> north
You walk to a deserted area between two buildings. There is anorth-south path here.
There are some fembots here. There are some protesters here. Your fingers are getting warm.
northYou walk north. The path winds around to the east. There is abuilding to the north.
There are some fembots here. There is some chanting coming from the south. Your fingers are burning.> Drop match
You drop the match on the ground. Your fingers continue to burn.> Suck on fingers
The fembots are offended by the sexual symbolism and leave. The fire is extinguished. Your fingers are throbbing now. There is a match burning on the ground.> step on match
You step on the match, burning the bottom of your foot in theprocess. You should remember to wear shoes more often.
There is a burnt-out match sitting on the ground.> wear shoes
You move very quietly now.> north
You smack your head into the building. The building does notmove.
Your I.Q. drops by 10 points. You no longer grok spam.> east
You enter the Merrill academic building. You are in a North-Southhallway. There is a door to the East. Exit is to the West.
eastYou enter a quiet classroom. The students, who had apparentlybeen taking an exam, look up at you angrily. The professor glares
at you angrily. The students return to their frantic efforts. The professor, who looks vaguely familiar, continues to glare. You suddenly realize that this is your calculus class, which you have not attended in three weeks.
sitYou find an empty desk. The chair squeaks as you seat yourself,causing the student next to you to give you a grimace that would
make a good Butthole Surfers album cover. The professor brings you a copy of the midterm.
look testYou look at the test. The problems on the first page areimpossible. The material on the following eight pages is worse.
Test stress causes your I.Q. to drop 100 points.
do testThis is impossible, as you have neither pencil nor calculator.You realize that failing this exam means failing the course.
borrow pencilYour neighbor growls angrily as soon as you start to vocalizeyour request.
steal pencilYou steal the extra pencil from your neighbor's desk. He does notnotice.
do testYou start to work on the first problem, even though you have onlya vague understanding of how to solve it. The pencil hurts your
charred fingers. Beads of sweat form on your forehead as you scratch out calculations that would normally be done on a calculator. You reach an answer that could not possibly be correct.
do second problemJust reading the second problem severely stresses your mentalresources. You suffer a brain embolism.
do problemYou begin calculations on the second problem. Sweat begins totrickle from your face and armpits. You begin to stink. The trickle
of sweat turns into a raging torrent. Your brain seizes. You cannot move.
waitTime passes...> wait
Time passes...> wait
Time passes. You can move now.> smoke test
Do you really want to do that?> smoke test
As you inhale the xeroxed papyrus, you feel the knowledge of theancients seeping into your mind. You come to a complete
understanding of the material, but you no longer have anything to turn in.
write answersWhat do you want to write the answers on?> paper
You start scribbling the solutions to the problems on the blankpapers of zig-zag. Just as you write the last answer, the teacher
collects the exams, staples them together, and leaves. You have truly smoked this test.
eastYou are in a north-south hallway. There is a door to the east.> north
You stumble down the hallway in a northerly direction. Smackinginto the door at the end and popping it open. You trip over your
untied shoelaces and fall through the doorway. The door slams shut behind you.
Tie shoelacesYou tie your shoelaces into a very tight knot. Your shoes can nowonly be removed by surgery.
– Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com. Do not use the old site of "looking.on.ca" please. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.