archive:humor:resolutn
As we come to the end of yet another year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions. I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and have now come up with my New Year's Resolutions for 1992, all of which follow:
1989 1990 1991 1992
|——————|——————|——————|——————|
I will try to be | I will not | I will try for a | I will try to be |
a better husband | leave Marge. | reconciliation | a better husband |
to Marge. | Marge. | to Wanda. | |
I will stop | I will not get | I will not let | I will stop |
looking at other | involved with | Wanda pressure me | looking at other |
women. | Wanda. | into another | women. |
marriage. | |||
I will not let | I will stick up | I will not let my | I will tell |
my boss push | for my rights | sadistic boss | Dr. Hodger and |
me around. | when my boss | drive me to the | the group about |
bullies me. | point of suicide. | my boss. | |
I will read at | I will read at | I will read | I will finish |
least 20 good | least 10 books | 5 books a year. | Airport. |
books a year. | a year. | ||
I will not get | I will not get | I will not lose | I will not speak |
upset when Charlie | annoyed when | my temper when | to Charlie and |
and Sam make jokes | Charlie and Sam | Charlie and Sam | Sam. |
about my baldness. | kid me about | tell the guys I | |
my toupee. | wear a girdle. | ||
I will get my | I will watch my | I will follow my | I will try to |
weight down below | calories until I | diet religiously | develop a |
180 pounds. | get below 190. | until I get below | realistic attitude |
200 pounds. | about my weight. | ||
I will not take a | I will not touch | I will not become | I will not miss |
drink before 5pm. | the bottle before | a problem drinker. | any AA meetings. |
noon. | |||
I will not spend | I will pay off | I will pay off | I will begin |
my money | my bank loan | my bank loans | making a strong |
frivously. | promptly. | promptly. | effort to be out |
debt by 1995. | |||
I will see my | I will have my | I will have my | I will get rid of |
dentist this year. | cavities filled | root canal work | my denture breath |
this year. | done this year. | this year. | |
I will go to | I will go to | I will set aside | I will try to |
church every | church as often | time each day for | catch the late |
Sunday. | as possible. | prayer & devotion. | sermonette on TV. |
I will not be | I will stop | I will work to | I will accept the |
self-destructive. | wrecking my life. | escape the living | fact that some men |
hell I've created | are winners and | ||
for myself. | others are losers. | ||
I will work out at | I will play 18 | I will go to the | I will improve my |
the gym at least | holes of golf at | pitch-and-putt | game of bridge. |
twice a week. | least once a week. | whenever I can. | |
I will follow all | I will make a | I will try to bat | I will learn to |
of these | serious effot to | .500 with these | live with my |
resolutions | follow these | resolutions. | weaknesses. |
to the letter. | resolutions. |
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