Article 18143 of comp.sys.ibm.pc: Path: santra!tut!draken!kth!enea!mcvax!uunet!ncrlnk!ncrcae!hubcap!gatech!ncar!ames!pasteur!helios.ee.lbl.gov!ux1.lbl.gov!forrest From: forrest@ux1.lbl.gov (Jon Forrest) Newsgroups: comp.sys.ibm.pc Subject: Semi-Annual Posting of my Jerry Pournelle Spoof Message-ID: 1521@helios.ee.lbl.gov Date: 21 Dec 88 01:22:25 GMT Sender: usenet@helios.ee.lbl.gov Organization: Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory, Berkeley Lines: 80
I can't stand Jerry Pournelle. I really can't. A while ago I wrote the following in an attempt to make myself feel better. I've decided to post it every 6 months until Jerry stops writing "columns".
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Computing at Anarchy Acres
by
Jerry Richdudley
Well, here I am again sitting in front of my favorite computer, Alyuisious. Alyuisious is an S-100 based system running CP-M. It runs rings around all the competition. Next to Alyuisious lies Pantagruel, a real throughbread. Pantagruel doesn't run rings around anything except the closest fire hydrant. Pantagruel is my dog.
Influencing People
Alas, I just got a call from my good friend Mick Jagger, and then another from my good buddy Sister Teresa, and then another from my old pal Steve Jobs. You know, it's funny. I used to get calls from all these world famous celebrities to let me in on all the top gossip in the computer field. Now they call me up to make sure I haven't gone bananas. They say that anyone who gives names to all his computer toys is displaying schizo-nutso tendencies and should be closely watched.
Wet Noodles
But I digress. There's work to be done. I've received yet another version of Modula the other day and I've got to be able to say something witty, urbane, inconsequential, and probably wrong about it. Even if I can't think of anything I'll still say something about what an important, influential language Modula is. Gee, it's almost sold as well as UCSD Pascal. If only people would realize that my experience in writing programs that alphabetize the names of all my famous friends makes me an expert on programming languages then maybe people would go out and buy Modula. It's funny, the editors of Byte sure must have a low opinion of their readers since they actually let someone as unqualified as me write about things I know so little about. It's a good thing I've got my son, the college graduate, to act as my technical expert. Those people who think that it's a conflict of interest for me to promote products that the company he works for sells are just a bunch of Watergate-chasers.
Major Malaise
You're lucky I was able to send in my column this month. I almost couldn't because my trusty companion Lulu, the Laptop computer, broke down. I know for most of you when this happens you instantly start seeing dollar signs in front of your eyes because you know that getting your computer fixed is going to cost you bucks. Not me. No, Sir! I just call up the famous hardware or software designer that seems to be the best qualified to solve my problem. It doesn't matter that this person probably has better things to do than help a poor slob like me, but they know that having their name appear in my column will do wonders for their business. It never fails. By the way, don't believe the grumblers who say that having all this power makes my reviews a little skewed. You could probably get all your problems fixed too if you wrote a column in Byte.
Le Petard
Alas, that's all for this month. Next month I'll review MVS, that cute little operating system rumored to appear on IBM's newest PC, give you my impressions of every accounting package ever written, tell you how to write an ADA compiler in APL and a APL compiler in ADA, and maybe, if there's time, tell you about the great new science fiction book I've got planned.
(Editor's Note: Jerry writes Science Fiction - literally) Jon Forrest Lawrence Berkeley Lab., 486-4991 forrest@lbl.gov (internet) ucbvax!lbl-csam!ux1!forrest (uucp) FORREST@LBL (bitnet)