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                SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT!

The heaviest element known to science was recently

        discovered by university physical chemists.  The element,
        tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or
        electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0.  However, it
        does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice
        neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons.  this gives it an
        atomic mass of 247.  These 247 priticles are held together
        in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous
        exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.

        However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every
        reaction it comes into contact with.  According to the
        discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one
        reaction caused it to take over four days to complete.
        Without Administratium, the reaction ordinarily occured in
        less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three

        years, at which time it does not acutally decay but instead
        undergoes reorganization in which assistant neutrons, and
        assistant vice neutrons exchange places.  Studies seem to
        show that the atomic mass actually increases after each
        reorganization.

Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in

        the atmosphere.  It tends to concentrate in certain
        locations such as government agencies, large corporations,
        and universities.  It can usually be found in the newest,
        best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic,

        and recommend plenty of fluids and rest after even low
        levels of exposure.