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archive:holiday:yupixmas

YUPPIE CHRISTMAS… by Keith Blanchard from The Princeton Tiger

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all thru' the condo, Not a creature was stirring whose car had known Bondo.

The Gucci's were hung by the chimney with care In hopes that the neighbors would notice them there.

The dependents were nestled, all snug in their beds While Porsches and charge accounts danced in their heads

And my dove and I, watching T.V. cable stations Had just settled down to three weeks paid vacation.

When out in the drive there arose such a clamor My wife lost her place in a story in Glamour.

To the window I had the man run, like a flash To make sure it was garbagemen taking the trash.

But he said, "It's a lawyer, sir, parking his car. I fear it's a Jetta, and in THIS front yard!

Shall I sound the alarm?" "Yes, don't let him inside! My ex must want more alimony," I cried.

But though servants locked windows and barred the front door, Our defense was as loose as a two-dollar whore.

For just as back in the Jacuzzi I stepped, A soot-suited man from the fireplace lept.

"I flew down the flue," he informed, and I sighed. "That sure puts a damper on things," I replied

He was dressed in a suit, with three pieces and tie, But I saw he'd forgotten to zip up his fly.

He had a long nose that resembled a dork, And his beady eyes begged to be poked with a fork.

With only these words, "You poor Ivy-leagued jerk! This isn't your day!" he went straight to his work.

Beneath the aluminum tree he did crouch, And took all of our presents to put in his pouch.

The TV's and stereos, jewlery and clothes, All went into his Hefty, and then he arose.

He crossed the fireplace, turning his back… And emptied our stockings out into the sack.

But just as I thought that was all I would lose, He went to the kitchen and drank all my booze.

Then he dumped all our silverware into the bag, And added the new VCR to his swag.

Our Waterford crystal, our Tiffany lamps, My son's Telecaster and thousand-watt amps,

My Princeton diploma was yanked off the wall And twenty sports jackets from out in the hall.

My antique collection, the wife's diamond rings, He ransacked the house and took all of our things!

But when he had stacked all the bags by the door, Well, I brought our my Doberman and said "Listen you boor!

You've invaded our privacy - I know the law! KILL, Charger, KILL!" But the lawyer guffawed,

And laying a finger aside of his nose Gave a honk, and blew snot - all over my clothes.

He grabbed a dry breadstick and took my dog's life, Then ran to the bedroom and ravished my wife!

Now, I really was peeved! "Sir, I'll see you in court! You can't do such things to collect non-support!"

But he laughed, "Non-support?" as he got off my spouse. "Tomorrow they're coming to take down your house.

And soon the policemen will drag you away. Your own Uncle Sam's repossessing today!"

"You mean you aren't my ex-wife's attorney?" I asked, while he loaded my gold Lamborghini.

He laughed as he dashed away into the night, And tossed a grenade which blew out my porch light.

But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight, "Damn, your wife was awfully tight.

What's more, 'Alimony'?? My Gawd… Man, you're going to prision for income tax fraud."

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