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archive:holiday:12days
  • TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS **

XX LETTER #1

MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVENUE BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO DECEMBER 14, 1985

DEAREST JOHN:

I WENT TO THE DOOR TODAY AND THE POSTPERSON DELIVERED A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE. WHAT A THOROUGHLY DELIGHTFUL GIFT. I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE SURPRISED.

WITH DEEPEST LOVE AND AFFECTION,

AGNES

XX LETTER #2

MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVENUE BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO DECEMBER 15, 1985

DEAREST JOHN:

TODAY THE POSTPERSON BROUGHT YOUR VERY SWEET GIFT. JUST IMAGINE - TWO TURTLE DOVES! I'M DELIGHTED AT YOUR VERY THOUGHTFUL GIFT. THEY ARE JUST ADORABLE.

ALL MY LOVE,

AGNES

XX LETTER #3

MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVENUE BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO DECEMBER 16, 1985

DEAR JOHN:

OH! AREN'T YOU THE EXTRAVAGANT ONE! NOW REALLY, I MUST PROTEST. I DO NOT DESERVE SUCH GENEROSITY – THREE FRENCH HENS. THEY ARE JUST DARLING, BUT I MUST INSIST, YOU HAVE BEEN TOO KIND.

LOVE,

AGNES

XX LETTER #4

MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVENUE BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO DECEMBER 17, 1985

DEAR JOHN:

TODAY THE POSTPERSON DELIVERED FOUR CALLING BIRDS. NOW REALLY JOHN, THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL, BUT DON'T YOU THINK ENOUGH IS ENOUGH? YOU'RE BEING TOO ROMANTIC.

AFFECTIONATELY,

AGNES

XX LETTER #5

MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVENUE BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO DECEMBER 18, 1985

DEAREST JOHN:

WHAT A SURPRISE! TODAY THE POSTPERSON DELIVERED FIVE GOLDEN RINGS. ONE FOR EVERY FINGER EH? YOU'RE JUST IMPOSSIBLE BUT I LOVE IT. FRANKLY THOUGH, ALL THOSE BIRDS SQUAWKING ARE BEGINNING TO GET ON MY NERVES.

ALL MY LOVE,

AGNES

XX LETTER #6

MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVENUE BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO DECEMBER 19, 1985

DEAR JOHN:

WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR THERE WERE ACTUALLY SIX GEESE-A-LAYING ON MY FRONT STEPS. SO YOU'RE BACK TO THE BIRDS AGAIN, HUH? THOSE GEESE ARE HUGE. WHERE WILL I EVER KEEP THEM? THE NEIGHBORS ARE COMPLAINING, AND I CAN'T SLEEP THROUGH THE RACKET. GIMME A BREAK EH? PLEASE STOP.

CORDIALLY,

AGNES

XX LETTER #7

MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVENUE BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO DECEMBER 20, 1985

JOHN:

WHAT'S WITH YOU AND THESE FUCKING BIRDS??? SEVEN SWANS A-SWIMMING. WHAT KIND OF GOD-DAMN JOKE ARE YOU PULLING HERE FELLA? THERE'S BIRD SHIT ALL OVER THE HOUSE AND THEY NEVER STOP WITH THE RACKET. I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT AND I'M A NERVOUS WRECK. IT'S NOT FUNNY, SO STOP WITH THE DAMNED FOUL.

SINCERELY,

AGNES

XX LETTER #8

MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVENUE BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO DECEMBER 21, 1985

OK BUSTER:

I THINK I PREFER THE BIRDS. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS A-MILKING? IT'S NOT ENOUGH WITH ALL THOSE BIRDS AND EIGHT MAIDS, BUT THEY HAD TO BRING THEIR GOD-DAMN COWS. THERE'S SHIT ALL OVER THE LAWN, AND I CAN'T MOVE IN MY OWN HOUSE. JUST LAY OFF ME, SMARTASS.

AGNES

XX LETTER #9

MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVENUE BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO DECEMBER 22, 1985

HEY SHITHEAD:

WHAT ARE YOU? SOME KIND OF SADIST? NEW THERE'S NINE PIPERS PLAYING. AND CHRIST, DO THEY PLAY! THEY'VE NEVER STOPPED CHASING THOSE MAIDS SINCE THEY GOT HERE YESTERDAY MORNING. THE COWS ARE GETTING UPSET AND THEY'RE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE SCREECHING BIRDS. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? THE NEIGHBORS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.

YOU'LL GET YOURS,

AGNES

XX LETTER #10

MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVENUE BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO DECEMBER 23, 1985

YOU ROTTEN PRICK:

NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE SLUTS LADIES. THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG. NOW THE COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA. MY LIVING ROOM IS A RIVER OF SHIT. THE COMMISSIONER OF BUILDINGS HAS SUPOENAED ME TO GIVE CAUSE WHY THEY BUILDING SHOULD NOT BE CONDEMNED. I'M SICKING THE POLICE ON YOU, YOU CREEP.

ONE WHO MEANS IT,

AGNES

XX LETTER #11

MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN 69 CASH AVENUE BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO DECEMBER 24, 1985

LISTEN FUCKHEAD:

WHAT'S WITH THE ELEVEN LORDS A-LEAPING ON THOSE MAIDS AND LADIES? SOME OF THOSE BROADS WILL NEVER WALK AGAIN. THOSE PIPERS RAN THRU THE MAIDS AND HAVE BEEN COMMITTING SODOMY WITH THE COWS. ALL 23 OF THE BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY'VE BEEN TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. I HOPE YOU ARE SATISFIED, YOU ROTTEN, VICIOUS SWINE.

YOUR SWORN ENEMY,

AG

XX LETTER #12

              LAW  OFFICES
      BADGER, BENDER,  AND  COHOLO
              303 KNAVE STREET
              DENVER, COLORADO

DECEMBER 26, 1985

DEAR SIR:

THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR LATEST GIFT OF TWELVE FIDDLERS FIDDLING WHICH YOU HAVE SEEN FIT TO INFLICT UPON OUR CLIENT, MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN. THE DESTRUCTION, OF COURSE, WAS TOTAL.

ALL CORRESPONDENCE SHOULD COME ADDRESSED FOR OUR ATTENTION. IT YOU SHOULD ATTEMPT TO REACH MISS MCHOLSTEIN AT HAPPY DAYS SANITARIUM, THE ATTENDANTS HAVE INSTRUCTIONS TO SHOOT YOU ON SIGHT.

WITH THIS LETTER PLEASE FIND ATTACHED A WARRANT FOR YOUR ARREST.

CORDIALLY,

BADGER, BENDER AND COHOLO

…AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT.

JULIA

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