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|_||(_||/ | | | | (_| \ \||/ | | | \|\,_||_||_||_||\_| |_| |_|\,_||_/\\_|_| | | | | _ _ | | | | _ _ _ _ _ _| | | | _ | |/ _ \| | | | '||'_ \ / _`|
|\/\_/ \,_||_||_||_||\,_|_| | | | +==================================================================+ | Nintendo and Sega asks users to stop buying product _ _ _ | | REVIEWS: Doom 4th episode, | || ||_ /|
|Atari to form new games group with Time Warner||_||_ \|
|Ace's Angles: r.g.p cool +====================+||_|)|
|CRAWFORDALITY CONFIRMED!||April 1 to April 7||_||/|
+=============================+====================+===============+ IF YOU HAVE ACCESS TO Internet Relay Chat (IRC), then join the GMJ Chat Channel, #GMJ. Tuesdays at 7pm Pacific some of the GMJ Crew will be available to answer your questions. Industry insiders dropping by too! [Moderated.]
rec.games.pinball takes GMJ with open arms
GMJ is cool! We take back all of the flames!
Atari joins with Time Warner Nintendo, Sega call for product removal Mortal Kombat II: Crawfordality, new hidden characters confirmed
Doom, the fourth episode
___ _ ___ _ / _ \ ( ) / _ \ | | | |_| | ___ __|/ ___ | |_| |_ __ __ _| | ___ ___ | _ |/ __/ _ \/ __| | _ | '_ \ / _` | |/ _ \/ __| | | | | (_| __/\__ \ | | | | | | | (_| | | __/\__ \ |_| |_|\___\___||___/ |_| |_|_| |_|\__, |_|\___||___/ __/ | |___/ Welcome to yet another installment of the Internet's least read
magazine, Game Master Journal.
This is our last issue. Everyone is right - we are the dregs of the
earth, we shouldn't litter the Net with such dribble..
NOT! This is April 1 gang, it's time for GMJ's annual April Fools issue!'
But wait, before I do any of that, lets get the legal BS outta da way:
This issue of GMJ is fiction. Nothing in it should be taken as fact, as it is satire, sarcasm and other things that lawyers love to take and make money with. WE ARE KIDDING FOLKS, nothing here has truth. This changes with GMJ 44, when we return to the high ethical, moral and editoral standards that everyone associates with Game Master Journal.
Whew - that was tiring. Oh! And another thing.. this is our SECOND
ANNIVERSARY of being online! Two fun years of GMJ - and here comes number three.. what a way to start! More 2nd anniversary info in our next issue. NOW THEN - let the fun begin.
This is our last issue, right, so, um, I won't be seeing you ever
_ ]^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^[ ] Innovative Creations [ ] 3730 McClintock Ave #537 +— + + +–+ +–+ +— +– +– [ ] Los Angeles, CA 90007 |- ++ +–+ |-++ |- +–+ +–+ [ ] (firstname.lastname@example.org) +— + + | | \ +— –+ –+ [ ] |\ /| +–+ -+- | [ ] | | |–| | | [ ] | | | | -+- +— [ ]_[ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
* We take back everything we ever said about you, GMJ We want to apologize. VidBits went way overboard with our 'Why GMJ readers, writers and staff should be uppercutted into the Dead Pool' article. I am actually a big fan of GMJ, and started VB so I could be just like you. I'm sooooo sorry, won't happen again. Matt Kruse, editor of VidBits magazine email@example.com [ACE: Aww, it's okay. We knew it all along. ] * We take back everything we ever said about you, GMJ, again
We want to apologize. rec.games.pinball has been very childish with our dismissal of fine editorial content found weekly in GMJ. Please come back.. no more flames, we promise.
All of the rec.games.pinball readers [email address withheld to save bandwidth]
[ACE: Hey, it's okay. We all know how r.g.p is a flame-fest. We knew
it all along. ]
…………………………………………………………… :WE are the only magazine that prints ALL EMAIL sent to us that is : :not vulgar or obscene. So.. send your videogame hints, tips + Q's!: : : :# # ##### # # ### # # ##### ##### # # ### ##### # : :# # # # # # # ## # # # ## ## # # # # : :# # ### # # ##### # # # # ### # # # ##### # # : :# # # # # # # # # # ## # # # # # # # # : : # # ##### # # # # # # # ##### # # # # ##### #####: : ……………………: :firstname.lastname@example.org VOICE: 213-743-1877 : : :—————— : Without email, GMJ : :email@example.com [Arkady] : can't work! So tell : :firstname.lastname@example.org [Cue] : us what you think! : : : : :…………………………………….:…………………..:
_ _ _______ ______ _____ _ ___ ____ _ _ | \ | | ____\ \ / / ___| | ___| | / _ \/ ___|| | | | | \| | _| \ \ /\ / /\___ \ | |_ | | | |_| \___ \| |_| | | |\ | |___ \ V V / ___) | | _| | |___| _ |___) | _ | |_| \_|_____| \_/\_/ |____/ |_| |_____|_| |_|____/|_| |_|
Nintendo, Sega call for product boycot
Los Angeles, (March 32, 1994)
The Big Two announced today that they are removing all Genesis and
Super NES products from stores effective immediately. A Nintendo representative said "We cannot in good conscience allow our inferior technologies to be sold with Project Reality and Saturn/32X coming so soon - only 18 months away."
She went on to say that anyone selling the product will be fined by
the FTC for selling antiquated technology.
Sega's reps echoed Nintendo. They also said that no more voilent
games would be allowed on any Sega product.. all games must fit their GA rating.
In a related story, Nintendo signed a deal with Midway, saying that
MK2 will be exactly like the arcade, blood and all. MK2 will be out this summer, with MK3 hitting the SNES before the arcade, probably in time for Christmas.
TIME WARNER AND ATARI CORPORATION FORM NEW SOFTWARE PUBLISHING FIRM
Sunnyvale, CA (March 28, 1994)
Atari Corporation (ASE:ATC) today announces a collaborated software
firm with Time Warner, Inc. Avid Software, Incorporated will commence operations within the next 30 days and leasing space initially within the excutive suites of Atari Corporation in Sunnyvale California. A development lab will be established with the Warner Bros. Studios in Southern California. The two facilities will be linked by high technolgy satellite watts services for real time software development. Warner Bros. will focus on story lines and intense animated graphics. The operation in Sunnyvale will assemble the hardware-based and software-based graphics engines as well as game play models and prototypes.
The new operation is announced just months following Atari Corp's
successful launch of a new, high end, 64-bit gaming system dubbed the Jaguar. Avid Software will dedicate 100% of development time for the first year exclusively to the Jaguar platform. Although the core development teams have been assembled for the Avid Software project, executive decisions will be made by Sam Tramiel, President of Atari Corporation, until a permanent executiuve staff has been selected. A panel assembeled by Time Warner will review all long range goals every ninety days.
The first three software titles to be developed by Avid Software and
scheduled to be released within the fourth quarter of 1994 have also been announced. They promise a unique blend of realistic digitized graphics, powerful high-definition animations, unique gaming plots and topical story lines.
Games slated to be produced soon by Avid are:
HARDING FALLS™— Just outside of Portland, Oregon a small unincorporated town adopts a new name; Harding Falls. Made popular by a local young girl who fought her way to the '94 Winter Games, the town unites to launch a new young starlet on to a promising athletic career. Harding Falls is where it all begins. Local challengers test all of their physical savoy against each other for overall performance virtues. Players pre-select their character from an arsenol of determined challengers.
Each stage consists of a practice session in which a complete
skating routine must be rehearsed. Obstacles such as untied skates, boos from the crowd and irate family members distract your performance. With each small win, a weapon toward victory is awarded for use during the performance levels. Sometimes it might be deadly capped teeth. Other times it may be a stick or a steel club.
Play against 64-bits of automated power or one-on-one with an
aggressive challenger by your side; either way you either win gold or cry your way back to Harding Falls to try all over again. Cartridge- based game features hidden secrets, multi-player action, high resolution graphics and a five dollar coupon toward the purchase of "The Club".
HOLLYWOOD STUNT SPECTACULAR™— With so many action games designed to fight and kill opponents, Warner Bros. calls upon their army or stunt professionals to reveal their best kept secrets to stay alive.
Take a 125 level backstage studio tour through Warner Bros. hottest
action films such as Superman, FreeJack, Batman Returns, The Last Boyscout and The Fugitive. Race through high definition scenes of your favorite films and pick up props such as breakaway chairs and candy glass. Battle friendly adversaries, but don't hurt them… after all, they're really your friends. Pick up the wrong prop as a weapon and you may kill your supporting actor or actress and lose your part in the greatest film ever made.
This fast paced, action game includes the thrills of thrillers and
the secrets of a great mystery. The ultimate object is to win without hurting anyone, but don't think for a moment there is no blood! One player action. Cartridge-based game includes $5 off coupon for select Warner Bros. videos.
BOBBY BOBBIT AND FRIENDS™— Here's an animated interactive cartoon for adults only! At first glance, it looks harmless enough… Bobby Bobbit is a bouncy bunny that likes to make friends.
Collect points by finding carrots and hidden treasures. Unlike most
treasures, though, Bobby doesn't want to collect coins and tokens. He collects shears, razor blades and carving knives. Usually Bobby's friends help find treasures, but sometimes his friends get too rough and Bobby must take corrective action!
Game includes vivid cartoon violence unlike any other you have ever
seen. ONLY on the JagCD, this game is rated NC-17 for violense. Let's just say it's a Saturday morning cartoon that will increase attendance at Sunday Mass.
[ :: Thanks to Bob the Bozo PR of Sunnyvale for contributing :: ]
LAST SECOND UPDATE
We were handed this just as we were aboout to go to spell-check.
WARNING: Look for clues! You are about to be had! This may be it!
March 32, 1994 (Clue: This date doesn't exist) [commented for the mentally impaired] JAGUAR OWNERS EXPOSED TO BOGUS PRESS RELEASE (bogus headline)
Members dismember each other (overstated) over ethics debate - alledged tainted press release blamed (not true, bogus subhead)
Allover, US– An unnamed source (unsubstantiated) today reported that users of the popular 64-bit Atari Jaguar gaming system have banned together (typed online messages) in an effort to discredit the infamous "bogus" press release just days before the dreaded April Fools holiday is to be celebrated throughout the world (run on sentence-hate 'em!).
Unlike a bug that cripples a computer until the entire system can be reboot, the sinister press release causes unusual chemicals to form in the brain (lions and tigers and bear a thought, oh my!). Dr. Ima Knotheir (alias) of the Institute of Preventive Thinking (I.P.T.) states that while "some (most everyone) finds some humor as the feared press release propagates over the networks, clear laboratory study (personal opinion) of those who are without brains indicate there is no humor in anything classified as funny." Dr. Knotheir was unable to indicate a direct association of his study to the specific press release that launched this one, however.
In support of the doctor's findings, Jaguar owners have launched an attack against any and all bogus press release that contain misinformation. Within six weeks, a committee will be formed to establish a panel that will elect a professional staff to advise a supervisory board for a new team of advisors to appoint a cabinet to determine whether a bogus press release may contain accurate information (Government funding is anticipated). In the interim, all bogus press releases must be labeled to contain artificial ingredients which have been known to cause brain activity by the I.P.T. (huh?)
In their first official action, the Jaguars Owners Bogus Press Release Action Committee has classified this bogus press release to be impounded and not read. In compliance with this declaration, the following statement has been appended for your safety:
IMPORTANT: DO NOT READ THIS!
Products named are properties of their owning companies. Text and concept ©1994, Artisan Software.
Crawfordality, new hidden characters in MK2 version 4.0
Chicago, IL (March 27, 1994)
Midway announced today the release of Mortal Kombat II version 4.0,
and yes, version 4.0 is in the title. The game will have some very minor touch-ups with 4 new characters included.
"We wanted to be like Capcom," said Ed Boon, programmer/designer of
MK2. "After my interview with this bright young man Anthony from GMJ, we decided that having many cheap upgrades would be good - just like SF2."
The new version, already in Ottowa and in some middle-of-knowhere
places in the Midwest, has four new characters, and GMJ has the scoop on them!
Arkady: "After we saw Tanya [Kutasz, Futuure Wave editor of GMJ] we has to put her into the game." She flies like a vampire, prowls like a cat and can cast spells (!!) on her foes. She often yells out "Cause Mortal" a la Shao Khan. You get to her by Double Flawlessing 50 opponents and then 'DF'ing Noob Saibot, only using High Kick. Clinton: "Hey, if NBA Jam could do it, why not us?" He has a deadly saxophone, throws Socks and tosses WhiteWater at times. [see related WhiteWater article.] At presstime we don't know how to access him - he's cheering the Razorbacks right now. alt.mk: "We mentioned the Internet guys in the closing credits, but we felt that it wasn't enough." alt.mk throws fireballs like Liu Kang but the damage done varies.. if the player counterattacks quickly it does much damage, if he allows the flame to pass through him (or under him) it does none. Finisher is like Scorpion's Toasty fatality, but instead a little guy appears on the screen yelling "Hugo!" Some of the Game Masters feel that he says "Yugo!", but that's another story. Sheng: "Many SF2 players wonder where he is - well, HERE he is!" Long His only move is to spawn rumors and sequels. Does damage a la alt.mk, except sometimes he can morph into alt.sf2 Very dangerous character.
In a related story, a new fatality can be done with the Ninja
Girls. If you defeat a character using only punch you can morph into Cindy Crawford.. a Crawfordality. She climbs atop your foe's shoulders and goes to do a Cammy Frankenstiener, but she slips.. going into a position we prefer not to mention in GMJ. The Pepsi and MTV people are pleased.
+-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ / _ Game Master_Journal's _ _ _ _ _ \ \| | | | | \ | (_) | | | | / / | |_ _ _ _ | | _ _ _ | \| |_ _| | | |_ \ \ | | | | |/ _ \/ |/ _` |/ _` | | | | | . ` | |/ _` | '_ \| | / / | | |_| | /\ \ (_| | (_| | |_| | | |\ | | (_| | | | | |_ \ \ |_|_,_|||_/\,_|\,_|\, | |_| \_|_|\, |_| |_|\| / / |_ _| \ / | / | / | \ \ | | | |) | | 8pm |_/ |_/ / / | | | _ /| | Pacific Time +=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ \ _| |_| | \ \| | in channel |THIS WEEK: / / |_|_| \_\\_| #GMJ | How funny GMJ 43 was! \ +-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+ _ _ _ _
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