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From TVXN53C@prodigy.com Sat Mar 30 16:02:02 1996 Received: from pimaia2y.prodigy.com by mail.crl.com with SMTP id AA00541

(5.65c/IDA-1.5 for <jawells@crl.com>); Sat, 30 Mar 1996 16:02:01 -0800

Received: from mailout3.prodigy.com ([199.4.137.97]) by pimaia2y.prodigy.com (8.6.10/8.6.9) with SMTP id TAA48214 for jawells@crl.com; Sat, 30 Mar 1996 19:05:04 -0500 Date: Sat, 30 Mar 1996 19:03:00 EST From: TVXN53C@prodigy.com (MISS LUCY ROCHETTI) X-Mailer: PRODIGY Services Company Internet mailer [PIM 3.2-086.45] Message-Id: 097.04801225.TVXN53C@prodigy.com To: jawells@crl.com Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL Status: RO X-Status:

Jason,

one of my friends sent me this little piece about the game of 

football and I thought it would be neat to have some fun with it. For some reason as I read it, it totally reminded me of Jessica Roberts. Maybe we ought to put that in the PUB next year. Enjoy!! Lucy

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From: (GZXT34A) SUSAN WACHOWSKI Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL Date: 03/27 Time: 10:00 PM

– [ From: Susan Wachowski * EMC.Ver #2.10P ] – Expanded recipient data: To: Kim \ MCI Mail: (586-6591) To: ANYA \ Internet: (aplotkin@tasis.com) To: ALICIA \ Internet: (nanna41@oneonta.edu)

——- FORWARD, Original message follows ——-

Date: Tuesday, 26-Mar-96 03:33 PM

From: GABBY \ PRODIGY: (KXGZ07A)
To: Sarah Fouts \ PRODIGY: (TGBX45C)
To: Susan Wachowski \ PRODIGY: (GZXT34A)
To: TRISHANN \ PRODIGY: (GNJJ24C)

Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL

this is actually pretty creative.
=)


« Start of Forwarded message via prodigy (R) mail »

From: RSAbdullah@aol.com
Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL
Date: 03/26
Time: 12:51 PM

Date: Sun, 24 Mar 1996 23:51:21 -0500
From: RSAbdullah@aol.com [RSAbdullah@aol.com]
Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL

———————
Forwarded message:
From: caesar@connect.net (Ceez)
To: hoque66@wharton.upenn.edu (Abeer), syzygy@eng.umd.edu (Amin
Eggdude),
usi@haven.ios.com (Asif Ahmed), fahmed@usc.edu (Famin),
fhussain@lib.law.du.edu (Farheen), L0A7924@VMS2.tamu.edu (Leana
Ahmed),
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Chowdhury),
saminac@hp-mpg.an.hp.com (Mita Choudhury), mukitbyf@aol.com (Mukit
Nana),
mchoudhury@novatel.ca (Mushtaq), MSBS.NEUSUFZA@capital.ge.com

(Nurul

Eusufzai), Rkabdullah@aol.com (Rash), gra5036@msu.oscs.montana.edu
(Rashed),
RSAbdullah@aol.com (Russell), KXQM@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU (Russell
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sharmin@tiac.net (Sharmin Hakim), shoork@sas.upenn.edu (Shoor),
haque@ee.mcgill.ca (Shumon), bw37@musicb.mcgill.ca (Shyla), sy@wrs.
com (Si),
pan@acs.bu.edu (Suez Canal), suzan_a@alcor.concordia.ca (Suzana

Jhumi

Alam),
khanm@utdallas.edu (Tariq), saiful@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Utshob),
Zannat.reza@utoronto.ca (Zannat Reza), xcalibur@ritz.mordor.com
(Arthur),
kasperc@stm.com (Chris Kasper), edwards@stm.com (Dave Edwards),
drekmann@stm.com (Dennis Drekmann), larsonk@stm.com (Kim Larson),
sewell@stm.com (Lance), 295574@xavier.xu.edu (Paul), patelp@stm.

com

(Pushman), richardw@stm.com (Richard Wiltshire), smpatel@lobby.ti.
com
(Sawrin), BOGGESS@xavier.xu.edu (Sean), early@mscd.edu (Steve

Early),


zmehta@post.cis.smu.edu (Zubeman)
Date: 96-03-22 01:52:19 EST


Do you remember junior high and High school? Do you remember

talking

about 'the bases' with your friends?…Well forget em!! This is
*FOOTBALL*
With the all new standardized guide to football, you can forget any
of the
previous complications of having to remember the difference between
second
and third base and all that other shit. And you wonder why there is
a
strike in baseball and not football. Quite simply, baseball is a
boring,
confusing and often ambiguous game, especially when trying to
compare it
to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the soul
purpose
of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically the
game of
football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered this yet,

but

as
you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily
solved
using The Original Handbook Of Football.

_

_

WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING FEILD (if your not on the feild,

get on)


your 10 yard line …………. holding hands

your 20 yard line …………. hugging

your 30 yard line …………. kiss on the cheek

your 40 yard line …………. kiss on the lips

MIDFEILD …………. toungue kissing(your in

serious

territory)

his/her 40 yard line …………. shirt and bra off

his/her 30 yard line …………. all clothes off

his/her 20 yard line …………. ORAL SEX (getting or giving)

1ST AND GOAL …………. put on the condom

GOAL LINE …………. TOUCHDOWN (SEXUAL INTERCOURSE)


NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE FEILD HERE ARE SOME

IMPORTANT

DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT THERE.

kickoff……………….making the first move (asking for a

date)

kicking it deep………..Asking out a virgin (you'll be starting

out

deep
in your own end)
on-side kick…………..Asking out a slut (starting near

midfeild, On

side kicks are good if they work but are
risky)
kick return……………How far you get on the first date

NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST DATE THE

KICKOFF IS

OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS, HERE'S SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR

YOU.


Downs…………………An attempt to get more yards(get further

with

her, Here in Canada you get two downs

and

then
you best kick it. ask out a new girl

cause you

ain't getting further with this one.

Americans

are more patient, they get three downs

before

they should kick again.
Running the Ball……….Taking it one yard at a time.
Passing Play…………..Skipping stages

OH OH

Fumble………………..Impotence
Fumble Recovery………..Regain erection
Interception…………..Homosexuality (YOUR GOING THE OTHER

WAY!!)


OTHER DEFINITIONS

Turnover………………Anal sex
Field Goal…………….One of you orgasm, 3pts (Field goal

range

begins
around their 30, when the clothes are
off!)
Touchdown……………..Mutual orgasm, 6pts
Extra Point……………The smoke afterwards
Two Point Conversion……Smoke and a Phone number
High Scoring Game………Multiple Orgasms
Rain Delay…………….Parents/Roommate comes home
Pile Up……………….ORGY
Missed Feild Goal………Wide right,Wide left or even worse, to

short!

3RD down and inches…….Call for a measurement (Move those

Yardsticks)



THE OFFENSE

Quarterback……………The most important position, the

missionary

Quarterback Sneak………Unusual positions
Center(HUPPER)…………Doggie Style
Running Back…………..A hand-off
Tight End……………..Self Explanatory
Wide Receiver………….Opposite of Tight End
Nose Tackle……………(Use Your Imagination)


DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days)

Defensive Line…………Condom
Break in the defence……Condom breaks
The Safety…………….The Pill (just to be safe)
A Blitz……………….A "Quickie"


PENALTIES

Roughing………………S & M
Holding……………….Handcuffs or Restraints
Offside……………….Premature Ejaculation

THE BOWLS

Rose Bowl……………..Romantic sex (MAKING LOVE)
Citrus Bowl……………Healthy or Safe Sex
Peach Bowl…………….Juicy/Wet Sex
Fiesta Bowl……………Sex in South America
Superbowl……………..Marriage (The Big Dance)


SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE FIELD AND ALL THE DEFINITIONS YOU CAN SEE

HOW

TO
USE THEM, HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW USEFULL THE ORIGINAL

HANDBOOK OF

FOOTBALL REALLY IS.

1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver

but

it turned out to be a tight end so there was a turnover.

2. Their was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to mid-

field

but
then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't

work

because of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to

their

10
yard line. With 1ST and goal, the action moved from the Hupper

to the

Quarterback who did a Quarter back sneak. The game turned out

to be

the
highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!!

3. I was Roughed in the massive pileup.

4. It was third down and inches on the 20 Yard line but on the

field

goal
attempt I was short.


I HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED OUR JOURNEY THROUGH THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK

OF

FOOTBALL AND YOU HAVE NOT ONLY HAD A CHUCKLE BUT WILL PASS IT ON

TO AS

MANY PEOPLE AS YOU KNOW SO THAT ONE DAY THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF
FOOTBALL WILL REPLACE THE OLD, OUTDATED, INEFFICIENT, NO LONGER

FUNNY

STANDARDIZED GUIDE TO THE BASES.


-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-
+*&%$%&*+-

Caesar Abedin Love remains a secret when spoken
caesar@connect.net for only a lover truly knows

that

http://www.connect.net/caesar he is loved. - R.

Tagore


Sex is just a sublimation of the math urge.

03/22/96


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1996

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Date: Sun, 24 Mar 1996 23:51:21 -0500
From: RSAbdullah@aol.com
Message-ID: <960324235117_177000949@mail06>
To: AlKtraZ@aol.com, PsnChckn@aol.com, sgg6994@siena.edu,
sbjones@acsu.buffalo.edu, jc99@uno.cc.geneseo.edu,
smb0585@siena.edu,
JD307@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU, KXQS@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU,
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net,

KXQV@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU, KXQP@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU,
DanJohnM@aol.com
Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL

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