From TVXN53C@prodigy.com Sat Mar 30 16:02:02 1996 Received: from pimaia2y.prodigy.com by mail.crl.com with SMTP id AA00541
(5.65c/IDA-1.5 for <jawells@crl.com>); Sat, 30 Mar 1996 16:02:01 -0800
Received: from mailout3.prodigy.com ([199.4.137.97]) by pimaia2y.prodigy.com (8.6.10/8.6.9) with SMTP id TAA48214 for jawells@crl.com; Sat, 30 Mar 1996 19:05:04 -0500 Date: Sat, 30 Mar 1996 19:03:00 EST From: TVXN53C@prodigy.com (MISS LUCY ROCHETTI) X-Mailer: PRODIGY Services Company Internet mailer [PIM 3.2-086.45] Message-Id: 097.04801225.TVXN53C@prodigy.com To: jawells@crl.com Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL Status: RO X-Status:
Jason,
one of my friends sent me this little piece about the game of
football and I thought it would be neat to have some fun with it. For some reason as I read it, it totally reminded me of Jessica Roberts. Maybe we ought to put that in the PUB next year. Enjoy!! Lucy
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From: (GZXT34A) SUSAN WACHOWSKI Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL Date: 03/27 Time: 10:00 PM
– [ From: Susan Wachowski * EMC.Ver #2.10P ] – Expanded recipient data: To: Kim \ MCI Mail: (586-6591) To: ANYA \ Internet: (aplotkin@tasis.com) To: ALICIA \ Internet: (nanna41@oneonta.edu)
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Date: Tuesday, 26-Mar-96 03:33 PM
From: GABBY \ PRODIGY: (KXGZ07A)
To: Sarah Fouts \ PRODIGY: (TGBX45C)
To: Susan Wachowski \ PRODIGY: (GZXT34A)
To: TRISHANN \ PRODIGY: (GNJJ24C)
Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL
this is actually pretty creative.
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From: RSAbdullah@aol.com
Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL
Date: 03/26
Time: 12:51 PM
Date: Sun, 24 Mar 1996 23:51:21 -0500
From: RSAbdullah@aol.com [RSAbdullah@aol.com]
Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL
———————
Forwarded message:
From: caesar@connect.net (Ceez)
To: hoque66@wharton.upenn.edu (Abeer), syzygy@eng.umd.edu (Amin
Eggdude),
usi@haven.ios.com (Asif Ahmed), fahmed@usc.edu (Famin),
fhussain@lib.law.du.edu (Farheen), L0A7924@VMS2.tamu.edu (Leana
Ahmed),
lisa@ssl.umd.edu (Lisa Hossaini), mchowdhu@acs.ucalgary.ca (Meena
Chowdhury),
saminac@hp-mpg.an.hp.com (Mita Choudhury), mukitbyf@aol.com (Mukit
Nana),
mchoudhury@novatel.ca (Mushtaq), MSBS.NEUSUFZA@capital.ge.com
(Nurul
Eusufzai), Rkabdullah@aol.com (Rash), gra5036@msu.oscs.montana.edu
(Rashed),
RSAbdullah@aol.com (Russell), KXQM@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU (Russell
Abdullah),
Syani3@aol.com (Sania Hasnath), s_hanna@alcor.concordia.ca (Shahed),
sufiya@cs.mcgill.ca (Shampa), hussain@bsc.eds.com (Shanta Hussain),
sharmin@tiac.net (Sharmin Hakim), shoork@sas.upenn.edu (Shoor),
haque@ee.mcgill.ca (Shumon), bw37@musicb.mcgill.ca (Shyla), sy@wrs.
com (Si),
pan@acs.bu.edu (Suez Canal), suzan_a@alcor.concordia.ca (Suzana
Jhumi
Alam),
khanm@utdallas.edu (Tariq), saiful@eniac.seas.upenn.edu (Utshob),
Zannat.reza@utoronto.ca (Zannat Reza), xcalibur@ritz.mordor.com
(Arthur),
kasperc@stm.com (Chris Kasper), edwards@stm.com (Dave Edwards),
drekmann@stm.com (Dennis Drekmann), larsonk@stm.com (Kim Larson),
sewell@stm.com (Lance), 295574@xavier.xu.edu (Paul), patelp@stm.
com
(Pushman), richardw@stm.com (Richard Wiltshire), smpatel@lobby.ti.
com
(Sawrin), BOGGESS@xavier.xu.edu (Sean), early@mscd.edu (Steve
Early),
zmehta@post.cis.smu.edu (Zubeman)
Date: 96-03-22 01:52:19 EST
Do you remember junior high and High school? Do you remember
talking
about 'the bases' with your friends?…Well forget em!! This is
*FOOTBALL*
With the all new standardized guide to football, you can forget any
of the
previous complications of having to remember the difference between
second
and third base and all that other shit. And you wonder why there is
a
strike in baseball and not football. Quite simply, baseball is a
boring,
confusing and often ambiguous game, especially when trying to
compare it
to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the soul
purpose
of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically the
game of
football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered this yet,
but
as
you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily
solved
using The Original Handbook Of Football.
_
_
WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING FEILD (if your not on the feild,
get on)
your 10 yard line …………. holding hands
your 20 yard line …………. hugging
your 30 yard line …………. kiss on the cheek
your 40 yard line …………. kiss on the lips
MIDFEILD …………. toungue kissing(your in
serious
territory)
his/her 40 yard line …………. shirt and bra off
his/her 30 yard line …………. all clothes off
his/her 20 yard line …………. ORAL SEX (getting or giving)
1ST AND GOAL …………. put on the condom
GOAL LINE …………. TOUCHDOWN (SEXUAL INTERCOURSE)
NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE FEILD HERE ARE SOME
IMPORTANT
DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT THERE.
kickoff……………….making the first move (asking for a
date)
kicking it deep………..Asking out a virgin (you'll be starting
out
deep
in your own end)
on-side kick…………..Asking out a slut (starting near
midfeild, On
side kicks are good if they work but are
risky)
kick return……………How far you get on the first date
NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST DATE THE
KICKOFF IS
OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS, HERE'S SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR
YOU.
Downs…………………An attempt to get more yards(get further
with
her, Here in Canada you get two downs
and
then
you best kick it. ask out a new girl
cause you
ain't getting further with this one.
Americans
are more patient, they get three downs
before
they should kick again.
Running the Ball……….Taking it one yard at a time.
Passing Play…………..Skipping stages
OH OH
Fumble………………..Impotence
Fumble Recovery………..Regain erection
Interception…………..Homosexuality (YOUR GOING THE OTHER
WAY!!)
OTHER DEFINITIONS
Turnover………………Anal sex
Field Goal…………….One of you orgasm, 3pts (Field goal
range
begins
around their 30, when the clothes are
off!)
Touchdown……………..Mutual orgasm, 6pts
Extra Point……………The smoke afterwards
Two Point Conversion……Smoke and a Phone number
High Scoring Game………Multiple Orgasms
Rain Delay…………….Parents/Roommate comes home
Pile Up……………….ORGY
Missed Feild Goal………Wide right,Wide left or even worse, to
short!
3RD down and inches…….Call for a measurement (Move those
Yardsticks)
THE OFFENSE
Quarterback……………The most important position, the
missionary
Quarterback Sneak………Unusual positions
Center(HUPPER)…………Doggie Style
Running Back…………..A hand-off
Tight End……………..Self Explanatory
Wide Receiver………….Opposite of Tight End
Nose Tackle……………(Use Your Imagination)
DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days)
Defensive Line…………Condom
Break in the defence……Condom breaks
The Safety…………….The Pill (just to be safe)
A Blitz……………….A "Quickie"
PENALTIES
Roughing………………S & M
Holding……………….Handcuffs or Restraints
Offside……………….Premature Ejaculation
THE BOWLS
Rose Bowl……………..Romantic sex (MAKING LOVE)
Citrus Bowl……………Healthy or Safe Sex
Peach Bowl…………….Juicy/Wet Sex
Fiesta Bowl……………Sex in South America
Superbowl……………..Marriage (The Big Dance)
SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE FIELD AND ALL THE DEFINITIONS YOU CAN SEE
HOW
TO
USE THEM, HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW USEFULL THE ORIGINAL
HANDBOOK OF
FOOTBALL REALLY IS.
1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver
but
it turned out to be a tight end so there was a turnover.
2. Their was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to mid-
field
but
then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't
work
because of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to
their
10
yard line. With 1ST and goal, the action moved from the Hupper
to the
Quarterback who did a Quarter back sneak. The game turned out
to be
the
highest scoring Fiesta Bowl ever!!!
3. I was Roughed in the massive pileup.
4. It was third down and inches on the 20 Yard line but on the
field
goal
attempt I was short.
I HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED OUR JOURNEY THROUGH THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK
OF
FOOTBALL AND YOU HAVE NOT ONLY HAD A CHUCKLE BUT WILL PASS IT ON
TO AS
MANY PEOPLE AS YOU KNOW SO THAT ONE DAY THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF
FOOTBALL WILL REPLACE THE OLD, OUTDATED, INEFFICIENT, NO LONGER
FUNNY
STANDARDIZED GUIDE TO THE BASES.
-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-+*&%$%&*+-
+*&%$%&*+-
Caesar Abedin Love remains a secret when spoken
caesar@connect.net for only a lover truly knows
that
http://www.connect.net/caesar he is loved. - R.
Tagore
Sex is just a sublimation of the math urge.
03/22/96
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From @VM.MARIST.EDU:KXQT@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU Mon Mar 25 12:51:55
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Date: Sun, 24 Mar 1996 23:51:21 -0500
From: RSAbdullah@aol.com
Message-ID: <960324235117_177000949@mail06>
To: AlKtraZ@aol.com, PsnChckn@aol.com, sgg6994@siena.edu,
sbjones@acsu.buffalo.edu, jc99@uno.cc.geneseo.edu,
smb0585@siena.edu,
JD307@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU, KXQS@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU,
KXQT@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU, KXQQ@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU, brie4@mhv.
net,
KXQV@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU, KXQP@MARISTB.MARIST.EDU,
DanJohnM@aol.com
Subject: Fwd: FOOTBALL
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