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Released to the media after Dr. thompson was exonerated on various sex and weapons crimes:

WOODY CREEK COLORADO, May 31, 1990- Famed Gonzo journalist Dr. Hunter S. Thompson waves to a frezied mob of his supporters at yesterday's press conference on the steps of the Pitkin County Courthouse. . . where all charges on Sex, Drugs, Bombs and violence crimes against the doctor were dissmissed with prejudice by district court judge Charles Buss, who called Thompson "a perfect gentleman" and excoriated the district attorney for negligence, malfeasance and criminal abuse of police power. Spectators aplauded as dept. district attorney Chip "shiteyes" McCrory wept openly at the verdict and was led from the courtroom by bailiffs.

  Thompson denounced the dissmissal as "pure cowardice" and said he would

"appeal it at once" to the Colorado supreme court.

  Thompson descirbed the District attorney's "whole goddamn staff" as "thugs

liars crooks" and "lazy human scum . . . These stupid brutes tried to destroy my whole life" he said, "and now they tell me to just forget it."

  "Fuck that!" he screeched.  "They are guilty!  They should be hung up by

their heels from iron telephone poles on the road to woody creek!"

  The crowd roared and surged forward, chanting "Yes! Now!  Hang them now!"
  A man with a pitchfork rushed up the ancient stone steps and attemped to

enter the courthouse, but he was hurled away by Thompson, who blocked the doorway and told the crowd to "be calm."

  "Not now!" he shouted.  "Not today!  But soon!  Yes!  We will PUNISH them!

We will chop off their fingers and gnaw on their sculls and feed their flesh to our animals!"

  The crowd responded by ripping up trees in the courtyard and hammering

crazily on the hoods of nearby police cars. "Death to the weird," they howled. "They shall not pass! PUNISH them!" At this point Dr. Thompson was seized from behind by his two high-powered attorneys and rushed to a waiting car, which departed at high speed.

  Later from his heavily guarded fortress called "Owl Farm," Thompson's

lawyers issued a statement that called him "a hero, a saint . . . and the bravest man in America. . . . Dr. Thompson is a great poet," they said, "who often speaks in apocalyptic terms.

  "His comments earlier today about Death, Cannablism, and Vengeance should

not be construed in any way as a threat to the physical safety of any living thing."

  The statement was hailed by the press as "further proof that Dr. Thompson

should be awarded the Nobel Prize for peace."

  "The Doctor will have no further comment on The Case," his attorneys said,

"for legal reasons stemming from his $22 million civil lawsuit against the district attorney's office, which will be formally filed next week."

  Later that night, however, the restive Gonzo journalist issued a mysterious

"personal statement" that local authorities called "very gracious, very strange, and very bloodthirsty all at once."

  He spoke of "a historical mandate," citing mysterious blood feuds.  He

refused to talk about his rumored blood relationship to Gengis Khan, Cassius Clay, John Gotti, and other legendary warriors.

  "But you forget, I am Lono.  I am He.  When the great bell rings I will be

there."

  Thompson refused to elaborate on his claim to be Someone Else, and his

aides brusquely turned aside press queiries. Reporters who persisted were roughed up by burly "advisors" wearing bulletproof vests and "Owl Farm/Security" badges. One TV journalist, who begged not to be named, said he was taken to "a cistern somewhere in the compound" and forced to strip naked while standing knee-deep in "ice cold water rushin up from an underground river." For "many hours," he said, he was tormented by drunken lawyers and mocked by what appeared to be naked women.

/data/webs/external/dokuwiki/data/pages/archive/fun/htaquitd.txt · Last modified: 2000/11/25 07:10 by 127.0.0.1

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