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From: (BACS Data Communications Group) Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban Subject: Re: Twinkies Date: 20 Apr 90 15:03:03 GMT

Twinkies don't have shelf lives, they have *half* lives of
approximately 100 years.
I have heard that bacteria just will not eat a twinkie, ever.
                      BIOLOGY OF SNACK CAKES
                   Prepared by Eric Kollenberg
                           21 Feb. 1986


As you probably know (unless you're incredibly stupid), life on this planet (Earth) is divided into three basic groups - plants, animals, and snack cakes. Although volumes of boring material have been written about the former two subjects, there is a notable lack of reference material covering the latter. So I made some up.


Snack caves developed over two-and-a-half zillion years ago (and if you look on the shelves of some 24-hour convenience stores, you can find samples nearly that old), when the seas were full of Campbell's primordial soup. This prehistoric mixture of propylene glycol, potassium benzoate, butylhydroxytoluene, sodium citrate, primitive emulsifiers, and other "building blocks of snack cake" spawned the first one-celled crumbs. Eventually, these crumbs began to colonize around central specialized cells called endofill (known to the layperson as "creme filling"). The colonies developed into types: spongospores and diablospores (devil's food cake). An example of the former is the common Twinkie (_Hostus* hostilus_), the latter is typified by the primitive "Suzy Q" (_Hostus satanis_). In a bid for survival, some varieties, such as the _Hostus hostum_ (Ho-Ho) and the _Hostus zippum_ (Ding-Dong) evolved protective inedible outer shells, or exofrostings.

There are many gaps in the scheme, such as the common crumb cake, which some have suggested has an extraterrestrial origin, and the mythical "Little Debbie." However, these topics are outside the scope of this paper, which is another way of saying that I'm getting tired of typing.


What complex interaction of RNA, DNA and enzymes is responsible for the behavior of these species? What are the chemical reactions occurring within the cell tissue? Do I look like a chemist? How the hell should I know?


The Suzy-Q is a typical example of mimicry in the natural world. Resembling a food item, it lies in wait in its natural habitat, the grocery store shelf. Then it dives down the throat of the unsuspecting victim, gagging it. The Suzy-Q now turns itself inside out like a feeding starfish, and digests the victim with its potent creme filling.


"Oh, boy," you're thinking. Well, you sickening little pervert, you don't think I'm going to pander to your prurient curiosity, do you? Actually, I'd be glad to (especially for money), but the breeding habits of snack cakes have never been observed. This is something of a mystery, since more specimens are always being sighted under car seats, behind refrigerators, and behind the legs of vending machines. Speculation about the reproductive habits of the common Twinkie have… Naahh, that's too disgusting to even think about.


1. Daniken, Erich von, _Snack Cakes of the Ancient Alien Flying

   Saucer Pyramid Gods_ 1969.

2. Ibid, William, _Growing Up in the Ibid Family: An Autobiography_


3. Writer, Staff, "Woman Possessed by Aliens, Unfaithful Hubby Kills

   and Eats Her"  1 Mar 1986 _National Devourer_.

4. Writer, Staff, "New Chocolate and Beer Diet Cures Cancer,

   Improves Sex Life, Lose 400 lbs, Wash Behind Your Ears"
   1 Jan 1985 _Midnite Globule_.

* Hostess is a registered trademark of the Hostess Artificial Food Substitute Division of I.T.T., an exporter of international corruption. It is used without permission, for which hordes of oily lawyers will probably descend on me and cut out my lungs with a hacksaw.

[This paper was originally submitted as a Silly Science Fair ™ project at an SF con in Chicago, along with another on reproduction of coathangers. It included a cross-sectional diagram of a Twinkie, and dissection photos (yuck!) of other species.]

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