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From The Mage's Workshop Copyright © 1994, Joe DeRouen All rights reserved

[The following article originally appeared in Texas Talk BBS's weekly newsletter. The entire contents of the article are copyright © 1994, Joe DeRouen, all rights reserved.

You can reach Texas Talk, a Dallas Texas based multi-line chat system, by calling (214) 497-9100]

From the Mage's Workshop by Mage

"SysOp. . . One more weasel. . . weasel. . . weasel."

  1. -Anonymous weaselholic

Last week, I wrote about the female variety of the BBS weasel, the Trick Peas. The week before, I essayed on the even more common male BBS weasel, oft times referred to as the HD. This week, I'm going to touch on an even more fearsome animal - the weaselholic.

A weaselholic is, by it's very definition, someone that is addicted to weasels. You know the type. It's your average BBS nerd who, after numerous involvements with BBS weasels (of either sex) seems to get involved with them time and time again. They can't say "No." They crave the BBS weasel, and their day isn't quite complete without at least one run in with this telecommunications critter.

We all know that the BBS Weasel thrive on causing pain or annoyance. By contrast, the weaselholic thrives on *feeling* pain. They enjoy being used, and then thrown away, by BBS weasels. If they don't have at least one confrontation with a BBS weasel a day, their lives aren't complete.

This addiction is caused by several things, not the least of which is a lack of confidence. When the BBS weasel pays attention to the weaselholic, everything that the user in question knows about BBS Weasels is thrown out the door. "S/he's paying attention to me?" Thinks the addict, forgetting all else. "I need this attention. I crave this attention. I *Want* this attention."

When all else fails - when the weaselholic doesn't have his calls returned, when that attractive woman at the office snubs him, when his girlfriend leaves him for the CompUsa™ technician. . . He can always find a friend in the BBS Weasel. A friend who will suck the memory out of his very motherboard.

Do you know a weaselholic? Are *You* a weaselholic? Fear not, you are not alone. Now that you know that the disease exists - and, yes, it *Is* a disease - you can fight it.

When you're approached by a BBS Weasel, fight the temptation to give in. Resist the urge to type your very most inner secrets to that voiceless entity across the screen. Be strong!

These 12 steps will help you:

   1.  Admit that you're powerless over the effects of the
       BBS Weasel's electronically transmitted phermones
   2.  Believe in a power greater than your own (The SysOp)
   3.  Make a decision to turn over your will to the care 
       of the SysOp as you understand Him.
   4.  Make a searching and complete inventory of all of your
       GIFs.
   5.  Admit to your SysOp and a human being (for SysOps are
       not exactly human) the nature of your wrongs.
   6.  Be entirely ready to have the SysOp remove all 
       defects from your Connex file.
   7.  Humbly ask the SysOp to remove your access to the 
       Wildside and Legends games. 
   8.  Make a list of all the people you've ignored in your
       attempts to chat with BBS weasels and become willing
       to make amends to them all.
   9.  Make direct amends to these people except for when 
       to do so would cause you (or them) to lose their
       access or get the FBI involved.
  10.  Continue to inventory your GIFs, and delete all the
       ones showing full frontal nudity or intercourse with
       small farm animals.
  11.  Seek power through chats and open forum discussion to 
       improve your contact with the SysOp as you understand
       him, requesting only knowledge of His will for you
       and the access and the technical knowledge to carry
       that out.
  12.  Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these
       steps, try to post the message on as many nets as 
       possible and to practice these principles in all 
       your telecommunication interactions.

Once you've completed these 12 steps, your life should be weasel-free. Always be wary, though; just one flirt with the nefarious BBS Weasel can take you back into the hell from which you've just escaped. Remember - you're never cured, just better.

Until next week, say your affirmations ("I am a good person. I will be free from weasels.") chant your mantras, and keep those anti-glare screens securely fastened. Cyl8r, all.

Next week: Something completely different.

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