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       Elite Commandments:

1] Never admit you have no idea what

 you're talking about.

2] Never have a good word to say about

 anyone else but yourself.

3] Join every group that will let you

 join. After a few weeks have passed,
 quit & claim they aren't good enough
 to merit your prescence.

4] Always shift the blame to someone

 else. "It's not my fault" should 
 become 2nd nature to you.

5] Always have nasty things to say

 about your so called friends behind
 their backs.

6] Hate as many people as possible.

7] Start as many rag wars as humanly

 possible. When your up against 
 intelligent people (As on Adventurers
 Tavern, 1982-1986. RIP), and losing
 your end of the war. Say "This is
 stupid and childish, even if I did
 start it", and stop posting.

8] When someone becomes pushy and openly

 challenges your lack of knowledge 
 about something. Say "I know the 
 answer, but you're not elite enough,
 so I can't tell you".

9] If anyone still dares to question you

 then threaten them with tough things
 like getting someone to turn their
 phones off, or charge 10 billion 
 toilets on their mothers credit card.
 (It doesn't matter whether or not you
 actually know how to do this, or know
 anyone else who will do it for you.
 This is a favorite tactic of ELITE!@
 phreak groups like L0D!!@#1!.) If all
 else fails began chanting "Cable
 throw, Cable throw, Cable throw" or
 if you are a pirate: make a fright-
 ening rag page on them in your next
 Copya crack.

[Warning: Be sure to only use this on a fellow ELITE!@#1! phreak, pirate or equivalent ignorant person. Anyone else will laugh at you & tell you to fuck off. Only adding to the questioning of your massive eliteness.]

10] Make as big a fool of yourself as

  is possible. Display your ignorance
  and stupidity in a manner that will
  make itself noticible to the modem
  community at large. If you are a
  aspiring elite pirate, get your
  name on as many copya cracks as 
  fast as possible. Or if you are a
  up and coming elite phreak, start
  up your own little world (or join
  someone else who has already done
  this, such as LOD), refuse to see
  anyones viewpoint but your own, &
  declare yourselves mega-elite.

Remember: When in doubt, repeat to yourself the sacred chant: "I am elite, I can't be wrong, I am elite, I am always right and know everything", repeat until your confidense is restored (Humming, or accompanyment by a choir, is optional).

Also be certain to rag on anyone who displays any kind of knowledge about anything, and is not currently ELITE!@# If he's not elite, he can't be right. After all, everyone in the universe cares about the "elite hierarchy!", its what makes the world go around!@#21!!!!

[National Enlightener!]

- 4 yr. old boy is the anti-christ.

- Robert Woodhead (Co-Author of Wizardry

for the Apple) suggests that all
pirates be flogged to death, and
recommends that their parents use
birth control next time.

- Aliens from the planet z0d abduct

Mrs. Glop, force her to participate
in a heated 56 way orgy, then dump
her into her backyard.

- King Blotto talks to newsweek for

the 93rd time in 2 weeks. Ms. Blarf
the secretary finally tells him the
shattering truth that they don't
care anymore. Blotto is now sending
his up to the minute exposes' to 
Young Miss magazine & Bingo news
around the world.

- 19 yr. old boy goes on a spree and

kills 98. When questioned by auth-
orities, his response: "I was bored"

- Lord Digital & Mr. Xerox buy an

island in the carribean and found
a new religion, with themselves
declared as the gods. Prospective
initiates must prove their worth
by boot tracing a protected copy
of 1 of the Phantom Access disks,
while making AUM sounds & signing
away all their wordly wealth.

- Water is a deadly toxin. Report on

page 938.

- Group of NJ wiz kids use mental

telepathy and a micromodem to re-
arrange the orbit of US. Satelites.
"I've never seen nothin' like it"
declares computer authority, Sheriff
Ima Fool. The U.S.S.R. expresses 
interest in hiring the offenders.

- Is your dog really an alien from

outer space? take the quiz on page
437 and find out.

- Conference on piracy and it's effects

on computer companies. Part 11932 of
an ongoing tirade of threats, suggest
ions, counter-threats, and all around
stupidity. [Sorry this story has been
cancelled since our ex-reporter fell
asleep during the opening comments.]

- Are YOU really an alien from outer

space? take the quiz on page 438 and 
find out.

- $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

$ Betty Crocker Home Cooking Book 1 $
$$$$$$=> Typed By Lex Luthor <=$$$$$$
$=> Copied From BC Home Cooking 1 <=$
$$$$$$$$$$=> Uploaded by <=$$$$$$$$$$
$                                   $
$$$$$$$$$$=> Lex Luthor! <=$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$=> & The Legion of Doom! <=$$$$$

- Buy land on Alpha Centuri. Avoid the

rush on this soon to be, prime real
estate. Details on page 230.

All this and much much more! only in:


"I can't be wrong… I'm elite!"

————————————— We gratefully acknowledge all mentioned parties, for being the way they are. & express our most sincere apologies to Young Miss (TM) magazine, for having the audacity to suggest they would stoop so low, as to printing commentary from King Blotoe.

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